1

Guilt

"Cut! Let's take a break first!" Jade, the photographer shouted loudly as she looked at me with a frown on her face. I blinked a few times and sighed before slowly getting off the platform.

"What's with you today, Beautrin? You are not yourself. You are too preoccupied that you can't even pose for a nice shot!" She said irritatedly as soon as I got close. Miya, my manager and my friend immediately came to me and immediately grabbed my arm.

I sighed.

I know how much I've disappointed the whole team today. I'm also disappointed at myself, but I can't seem to focus today. I can't seem to function well, especially since the events from what happened that night are still replaying over and over again inside my head.

"You disappointed us today, Trin. You should fix this. We are in a hurry."

"Jade please, let's let Beautrin rest. She's just stressed out." Miya commented. Jade gave me a sharp look before turning her back at us.

Miya pulled me inside the dressing room. When we were alone inside, she immediately faced me. I can also see the irritation on her face, maybe because of what I did today, but I can also see the concern though. 

"Beautrin what's wrong? And don't you ever say nothing because you wouldn't be like this today if it is just a simple nothing. Tell me," I sat on the single sofa and sighed. This past few days, I've been thinking so much. I'm so confused but I don't know why I'm confused.

"Is it about your stupid ex again?" I winced and glared slightly at Miya. She really has no filter in her mouth.

"Stop it. I'm just tired and sleepless. There's nothing serious." There's no way in hell that I will tell her about what happened to me and Claus that night. There's no way. Because I already know her reaction. And it will turn out really bad.

"And pigs can fly, b-tch. But fine, I'll believe you. For now. But you should fix this Trin. Fix the shoot or the two of us will really be killed by that d-mned Jade." I nodded to Miya without looking at her. 

She called the make up artist again for me to have a retouch. While they were fixing my make up and hair, my mind drifted into the other world again.

My mind drifted to what happened that night. That sinful night. 

My grip on my own hand tightened as I remembered what had happened. There's a part of me that's happy, but the guilt is more dominant now. I can't believe that I did that.

Really? I stoop on that kind of level because I love Claus so much? I betrayed my twin sister just because I can't find myself slowly letting go of the man who was once mine.

Shit!

That was really a not so nice move. Something happened to us for God's sake! And it didn't just happen once. He took me many times in the most possible yet impossible ways. That night was a pure bliss, and only now I finally realized how desperate I was.

I...took advantage of him being drunk, as he mistook me for my twin sister. I took advantage of his weakness, and I realized how bad I was for doing that.

I...was selfish. Well, still is. And I'm not proud of that. I betrayed my twin.

"Miss..." I opened my eyes due to a gentle shake on my shoulder.

I sighed. "Yes?"

"We're done now. They are calling you outside so the shoot can start again." I stiffly nodded.

I let out a loud sigh before I stood up. I looked at myself in the mirror. But I can't see no one, other than a woman who lowered herself for a man who can't love her back anymore.

Stupid. I am stupid but no one can blame me. No one.

After leaving the dressing room, I immediately went to the platform to start the shoot. It turned out fine. Just fine. That wasn't my best. And today, I wasn't in my best self because I was freaking feeling guilty for what I did the other night.

After the exhausting shoot, I immediately got dressed. I was rushing out of the building and Miya thought I was in a hurry to meet someone. She wasn't able to stop me from getting into my own car though. 

I drove straight to my condo. I gave my key to the valet so he could park my car on my usual parking area. I ignored those who greeted me as I entered the building because my head was hurting so bad. 

I just want to rest. I want to rest hoping that my guilt will eventually fade.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, I immediately laid down on the bed. I thought that I will be able to rest while in my bed. But my thoughts are drowning me even more.

Claus...

I curled myself in my blanket.

What happened to us?

We were fine. I thought we would never be apart again. With him, I felt like nothing would go wrong. I thought our life was a fairytale. I love him, and he loves me the same.

But...

But I made a mistake. I did a mistake that broke our relationship and us. I want to explain myself to him. But how can I? How can I do that when he's not even giving me a chance to talk to him without feeling disgusted at me every time that he sees me?

But if I explain to him. I doubt that he'll believe me. He will never hear and believe me. I know that. But I never stopped trying to reach for him, to win him over again. I never give up on him because even though I hate him, I still love him. My love for him is greater than the anger that I am feeling.

But he... he gave up on us. He dropped me like a hot potato while I am still trying my hardest to hold him.

He's over me. But I am not. And this time, I wish that I haven't met him because I don't want myself to turn into someone that I am clearly not.