It's a Sunday morning. I hear the rain. The smell of sweet water rises to my face. I quietly leave Sammy and Selah behind me. They are dead to the world. The clock says it's 5 am. I still haven't spoken with dad since Olive Garden. I've been distant from him. Dad finds me in the kitchen making coffee."Hello, Natalie... I'm sorry I yelled the other night. It was wrong of me. I took the divorce out on you. Please forgive me...when you are ready, of course," he stops.I don't reply. The coffee timer goes off, and I pour dad a large cup."Thanks, dad. I appreciate that. I need to be with Aunt Tara," I say."I agree...and so does your mom. We will help you move there later this week, okay, sweetie?" He asks.I nod and hug dad. I don't make eye contact with him. I will only cry if I do. Crying makes me purge if I'm struck hard enough with sorrow."Thanks. I'm going to Aunt Tara's now. I'm going to ride Carmel. I need to feel the rain," I say."Have fun. You're just like your mom. She loves
The handcuffs hurt. They make me sweat. Chad, wherever you are, this is low. Beating me up and going to the cops, how manly of you.I need gum, now! I need to chew on something. I grit my teeth and clench my jaw. The bones in my jaw pop from the pressure. This anger towards Chad won't help me face an army of cops. And how the hell do I tell my parents? Fuck.The car smells like real criminals. This stench doesn't belong to me. I won't wear this odor proudly. Officer Barnes pulls the car into a parking lot. We must be at a police station.He opens my door. I decide not to talk. If I don't talk, it might be for the better. Maybe this will end faster if I do what they say. I get out of the criminal car. Officer Barnes looks at me."I knew that day in the mall that we would be crossing paths again. It was only a matter of time," Officer Barnes says.I see my reflection in the car window. Utter shit. How are they not concerned about my well-being and bruises? Oh, wait. I'm wearing makeup.
We leave the police station and head home. I'm a free woman. I've only been around Officer Barnes twice in my life. He seems to be a decent man. The world has two types of men, decent and asshole. There's no in-between. Collin is decent, Mr. Henry, my art teacher, is decent, and Officer Barnes is decent. The world needs more men like them.How the hell am I going to tell Selah I got beat up by Chad and taken to a police station? And what about Collin?The car ride home is silent. My family doesn't know how to react to my unpredictability anymore. I can't blame them. One minute I'm hospitalized; the next, I'm a victim in a police station.I watch the electrical wires as we drive past. They go up and down. That's my life. I'm up. I'm down. My life current still flows within me. The car comes to a stop in the driveway.My whole family sits in the car in a never-ending silence. My dad pulls back the curtain of quiet."Natalie, a decision has been made on your behalf," dad announces."What
My packed bags are in Sammy's car. The new chapter in my life is about to unfold. I'm excited to see how things will be different. I still haven't spoken to Collin. I decide to text him.Me: Collin, we need to catch up.Collin: Where have you been?Me: I can't text about this. It's too much.Collin: I understand. Want to go on a date tonight?Me: Sure, can you pick me up from my aunt's?Collin: Sure. What time?Me: 7?Collin: See you then.When my life is calm, I know there's a storm on its way. That's how it happens, right? You are either in the calm before the storm or right in the eye. And that's where I am, in the eye of the storm. It's calm only for a moment. If I look around me and see my horizons, I will see the swarming chaos encircle me and surround me. I won't be consumed by it quickly, but when the eye passes, it will hit me hard.When I get hit, will I purge? Will I drop out of the program? Will I get dumped by Collin? That's how it goes. The story of my life, the story of
I still haven't told Selah about my life. I've been so distant. She knows Chad wanted me to steal his family's heirloom, but that's it. I call Selah and confess about Chad beating me up. I confess about my move to Aunt Tara's house. I discuss my enrollment into an eating disorder recovery program."That's a lot," Selah says."I know," I reply."What are you going to do about Italy?" She asks."I'm going. My Aunt Tara is coming. It's the only way the recovery program will let me go," I say."I see. Well, I am so damn excited. We can make out with European hotties," Selah says."I can't," I say."Oh, sure you can. It will be like the time you made out with Joey Vanderburgh behind Chad's back," she says."I CAN'T," I say."Yes, you can. What's wrong with you?" She asks."Collin's different," I reply."Look, I like you with Collin. I really do. But it's Europe, and they are fucking hot. I'm sure he'd understand," she begs."No, Selah. I'm not cheating on Collin," I say angrily."Why not?"
Chad gets off me. The world is wicked. I'm exhausted, cold, and frozen in time. What just happened? Did I freeze? Is this a dream? You should have run, you idiot.I hear footsteps downstairs."Natalie? Are you here?" Collin yells.My voice is trapped inside. I can't speak. I can't say a damn word.Chad grabs my hair and forces me to look into his steely eyes."It's your boyfriend. Let's go greet the bastard," Chad smirks.My jaw quivers. My body quakes. I. Am. Nothing."Hello, Collin. Remember me?" Chad taunts Collin."Chad, let Natalie go," Collin demands as he makes his way up the stairs.I sense a confrontation. I'm not worth it, Collin."Go away, Collin," I whisper."You heard the bitch. It's time for you to leave. Natalie and I have some unfinished business," Chad says, pulling my hair harder."Let her go, Chad," Collin threatens."Is that a threat? From four-eyed Abernathy?" Chad taunts again."Last warning, Chad," Collin says, not backing down."You want her, come and get her,"
Two weeks have gone by since the Chad incident. I don't talk about it. I think about it. Relive it. Remember it. I bite myself. I purge. I want to stop purging.Aunt Tara is concerned. I don't blame her. I'm not me. Aunt Tara has delayed the start of my eating disorder recovery program. School is over. Aunt Tara got me out of homework. I only had to attend class. I didn't have to do finals.My parents cried when they found out. They came together again for another Natalie Ashman drama.Sammy cried. She hugged me. We had a girl's night and ate chocolate. It helped her feel better. It didn't help me.I haven't told Selah. I like having someone think I'm not tainted. I haven't called Collin. He understands I need my space.The eating disorder recovery program will begin after my trip to Italy. We are still going. My Aunt Tara explained my situation. She still has guardianship of me.She's traded bedrooms with me. I can't stay in my old room and see the spot where the great incident took
I haven't seen Selah in ages. She always finds out about my drama last. That's not fair to her. But it's reality. Reality is a bitch.Collin has been with me at my aunt's house for a while. Sammy gets home from the Penna Bakery. I haven't worked there in a month. I don't miss the smell of purge donuts, dirty dishes, and a sweaty Mrs. Penna. That lady needed deodorant badly. Chickens must have raised her.Aunt Tara met with Mrs. Penna and my parents and discussed the great incident. Mrs. Penna is giving me the summer off. I'm glad she's understanding. I hope to be a better employee when school picks up again. I can't seem to focus on anything for too long."Want to go to the Tavern?" Collin asks."Sure, sounds fun. I belong in the dark ages anyway," I reply."I can make you a smoothie," he offers."No, the black plague coffee will do fine," I say."Great, let's go," he says.The clouds are hiding the sun. The sun doesn't like my town. It disappears in winter and plays hide and seek in