Second

Like any other high school, once the awkwardness of the new environment and new people is out of the way, people begin forming friendship cliques. I for one, don't know where I belong in this mess because I'm reserved about forming deep friendship bonds. To be honest, I think I'm traumatized by a loss that happened in my life quite recently . Just before I joined high school, one of the closest people in my life, my bestfriend passed away. The loss was devastating and I am not ready to replace her when it has not even been an year.

I stick to basic conversations with my desk mate, Tory. She is really kind and funny. She has all these wild stories that make me laugh.We help each other out during classes and she let's me borrow her notes when I day dream about Rie and forget about paying attention in class. Rie seats on the row on my left, a few desks infront of me therefore I can always see her.I love seeing her talk to her deskmate and laugh and I think it's the reason I strategically chose my current sitting position.

I have never had a direct conversation with her. It's always with her friends around and that doesn't count because I'm always directing the conversation to anyone but her. I become a stuttering mess and nerves have me shaking whenever there's a possibility of having a conversations with her that I always leave. I'm also not confident about my sexuality yet since I have never really dated a girl therefore I don't know how to go about it.

"Do you mind switching groups with me?" Tory asks while rummaging through her desk. She always seems to misplace things which is hilarious because her desk is not even that big.

"What group?" I'm confused because to be honest, I have not been paying attention in the geography class which has just been concluded.

"We were assigned groups for the geography assignment to be presented next week. I don't want to be in the same group as Wendy." There was some ongoing bad blood between Tory and Wendy who was part of another clique. To be honest, I'm not sure what that's all about and I try to be neutral with both of them.

" Sure, I'm okay with whomever. "I say dismissively while putting away my geography books in preparation for history class.

" You'll meet at four for the discussions in the study hall."

"Okay,I'll be sure to attend."

The history teacher cuts our conversation short as he drones on and on about the colonial era and freedom fighters. Despite my love for history, I can't seem to concentrate on anything today no matter how much I try. I will have to stay up late and try catching up. I hope Tory is taking good notes so I can borrow them later.

Almost instinctively, my eyes land on Rie. She whispers something to her deskmate who whispers back and they start laughing. My eyes are glued to her and I'm sure my face is all dreamy.

"...!" A sharp jab on my ribs bring my attention to Tory who is pointing at something on the book.

"Imani, I'm waiting for your answer." Mr. George, my history teacher says. I realize I don't even know what the question is but Tory keeps jabbing at our shared history textbook almost creating a hole in it.

"The freedom fighters used guerilla warfare as they had more knowledge of the terrain." I read out loud.

"You're lucky this time. If I catch you spaced out again, I'll throw you out of my class." I know better than to take his warning lightly and I would also not want to miss my best class.

From my peripheral, I can see Rie looking at me with several other students who are happy enough to be distracted from the class even for a minute. I can feel my face growing warm and I know I'm definitely blushing. I hope everyone thinks it's embarrassment from being called out because I can't seem to be in control of my face anymore.

"Let's move on," Mr George continues teaching.

Tory smiles at me and I mouth a thank you because she literally saved me from that one. She pays her attention to the teacher and this time, so do I.

When the teacher leaves, there's is commotion and everyone puts their books away some banging their desks as we prepare to go for lunch.

"What were you daydreaming about? You seemed so far away." Tory inquires as she closes our shared history textbook.

"Nothing! I just spaced out for a moment." I realize how defensive I sounded and quickly add"I'm just exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night. "

Tory shrugs then proceeds to leave for lunch. I sigh loudly then pack my books in my desk and follow the last of the students out to the dining hall.

Due to the number of students, lunch is normally served while in a queue then students proceed to the dining area to sit. Our meals are set by days and we do not have the luxury to decide what to take as there's only one option at a time.

I walk to the last person in the queue to stand in line. A few minutes later, Rie and her deskmate Faith join the queue behind me. I'm suddenly hyper aware that Rie is the one immediately behind me. The queue shuffles forward and Rie who has turned around to face Faith bumps into me.

"Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I should probably face forward." She says while smiling at me.

"Um,I... I.. it's okay." My face flushes in embarrassment and I quickly turn to face forward.

This is the first time she has spoken directly to me and I can feel my heartbeat in my ears so loudly. I keep thinking of how I've stuttered and I cringe. Despite what she says, she turns right around and continues talking to Faith about something I have no idea about because I keep replaying our 'conversation' over and over in my head.