Hardest Thing

   I stood and left for her room. When I got to her door, I had to knock and within a second she invited me in.

  "If you are here to talk me out about you going to live with your sister then you better turn back and leave my room, Jen"

   "Mummy but you know that I can't possibly go to my sister's place. I am an adult for crying out loud, how will you expect me to go and live with her as big as I am? It seems you have forgotten that I am your last daughter who needs to be pampered. You know that if I go to my sister's place, she won't pamper me like I am supposed to be pampered"

I whined, nearly dropping a tear.

  Mum shook her head and look at me

"Jenny stops whining and go and pack your bags, you leave tomorrow morning. I was thinking of giving you until the end of the week but by the way, you are going, you are leaving tomorrow morning because if you stay another day, you might convince me for you to stay back."

She paused and stared at me hard in the face.

    "Look at it this way, it's your sister we are talking about here. She is heavy with a child and will be due any moment, Jenny. It is the least you can do for her, you are not staying here forever and I am not going to talk about this again. Please leave me alone."

  I saw that there was no way I was going to convince her so I gave up and left the room frowning.

  "A whole me will go and live with a grown-up who is old enough to look after herself."

  I fumed while on my way to my room.

I got to my room to see my phone screen blinking, it was ringing. Had it been I did not come into the room I would not have realized that it is ringing. This bad habit that had refused to leave me, leaving my phone on don't disturb mode.

   "Hello Tasha, what's up?"

"Hello, baby girl! what's up with your voice, you sound like you are down?"

The voice of my best friend ran cheerfully at her end.

   "It's nothing, Tasha. How are you by the way? Why are you calling?"

"Don't tell me that trash, I know when something is wrong with you"

  She said obviously.

  "Is that obvious?"

I asked, sitting on the bed.

"Of Course, it is obvious, Jen. So tell me, what is it?"

She insisted I tell her what my problem is.

   "Mom insist I go live with Susan for a while"

I told her and she went silent.

"No way baby girl, you know you can't"

She said after a while.

"I know right and I had tried to talk to Mom about it but she would not hear. She wants me to go. Tasha, you know if I go I will be doomed. I don't know what to do"

   I said, almost crying.

"I know right? Did you tell her the reason you don't want to go?"

  "Tasha, I did not. You know I can't possibly do that."

I said and she sighed. I could imagine how sorry she would be looking on my behalf.

We both were silent for a while.

    "I think you should go, you are way too big to continue to live in the past, girl. It's been two years now or thereabout and I believe he has moved on so why don't you move on? I think you going there will make him realize that he missed something great. He is the loser, not you"

   Tasha said after some time.

"Tasha, I am not strong enough. I can't do it. I have tried to move on but I can't. Each time I remember that I lost him, I pity myself. Going there will open more wounds that refuse to heal."

   "Jenny, listen to me. You are a big girl and big girls don't sulk about things in the past. Zain ditched you for your sister, so what?. Don't be a dummy. You are going and that's final"

She did not listen to me and hung up.

I looked around and felt my blue bedspread, how I nearly spread it without any line showing.

  I chuckled and frowned when I remembered that I had not solved my problem. The last person I would want to stay under the same roof is my brother-in-law, Zain. 

  I had not been able to heal from the pain of the past.

   "You are not fleshy like you sis and she has got the curves, you know. I love ladies that are big but you, my darling are not big"

  The words hurt like hell, they can't get out of my head. No matter how hard I tried. Each time I remember Zain, those hurtful words he said to me in our last meeting, taunt me. It breaks me more, I had tried everything I could to let go but the past would not leave me.

  No one really understands what I am going through except Tasha. She was there for me through it all.

    When Zain ditched me for my sister, depression nearly killed me but Tasha made sure I did not give up on myself.

   It hurts to see the only man you ever craved, choose someone else over you. He made it clear that I was not his type anymore. This is someone I gave my first time, I know that is not a factor but it was because I loved him that's why I allowed him to sleep with me.

  I could die the world for Zain, I went clubbing because of Zain. I turned into a bad girl to please Zain and what did he do? He told me to my face that I was not his type. He was just passing time with me and before my eyes, he wedded my sister.

     I know I am an idiot for not forgetting someone who had hurt me but the truth is, I love Zain with my life. I love him even though he is married to my sister.

  Please, how do you expect me to go to such a place? To be seeing a man that I can only love but can't have simply because he is married. It's going to be damned hard. This is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life.