Called me ugly.
You would think that if you accommodated the master's sexual needs, he would at least treat you with some human decency.. clearly that was a foolish thought. The William I had once met when I was six had changed. He was made aware of his white privilege and he became just like them. He treated me worse than waste, he made feel dirty and inutile but most of all ugly. I failed to understand how he would continuously throw heinous words at me every given moment and yet always somehow found his way in my room in the basement.
I wasn't allowed to touch him, I didn't.
Instead, I just laid back with my legs wide open. He would do what he needed to. Sometimes, I got moist with anticipation, and sometimes I was dry with hate and it only made it awfully agonizing on my part. I always tried my best to think of happier things.I wasn't allowed to look at him, I didn't.
I always looked aside, at the wall or anything but not him. I always managed to sneak peaks at him when he closed his eyes while on top of me. I figured, he had to imagine someone else to be able to stomach the awful thought of being inside me.
He had never smiled at me, not that I expected him to. Master William was very precise on how he needed things to be done. He had made specific rules that I had to follow religiously.
1. My private area is to always be trimmed and hygienic.
2. I was never ever to mention it to anyone.3. I must always expect him at sundown.4. I was never give his wife any ideas of our affair.I had to cut my hair short. Lady Tracy had claimed I was trying to seduce her husband, and that she had seen hair in the food. So she told me to fetch the scissors and proceeded to diabolically cut my once shoulder length hair off.
After visiting my mother, she styled my hair appealingly, commenting that I was almost twenty-one and these young men needed to start approaching. That part made me insecure.. I had nothing to offer.
Master William had taken everything I had to offer. It was how I had been raised. The Gallagher family was very Christian and allowed the slaves to attend church with them. That's where I had learnt how to read, just enough from the Bible. Slaves were not to be caught reading any other book besides the Bible.
I got many compliments from my friends and family from the commune. They said I was even more beautiful with short hair and that it complimented my dark skin... I begged to differ but I appreciated it. Master William asked who had given me permission to cut my hair off. I told him that it was an order from his wife. They had a little argument before it was all forgotten. I assumed, Master William was only chafed because now he couldn't even look at me while pleasuring himself.
Liam was an absolute Angel. He was named after Master William but they shortened his name as a way to not cause confusion. I'd like to think Liam was still untainted. He treated me how he would treat anyone else, no one is born with hate.. it's taught.
Sooner or later he would realize, he was not to treat me the way he did.
I was convinced my assigned chore was to accommodate Master William's needs as there was not much to do around the Gallagher household. I took care of little Liam, cooked, cleaned and did the laundry.Nothing new really. Lady Tracy was always home, she would invite her friends for tea or she would leave. I felt that there was no need for a maid and didn't understand why i was doing everything that Lady Tracy was capable of doing herself... including pleasing her husband. I know they're intimate, she never fails to close her mouth when they're at it. I assume she wants me to hear...
But what do I care? Master William is her husband. Why does she constantly want to embarrass me when it's already clear that her husband can't stand the sight of me. I, by no means want to snatch her husband even if it was socially possible.
I have even considered writing to Master William's father. I would like to go work at the plantations with my mother instead. I'm very sure there can be a replacement, there are much more appealing lighter girls who would love to take my place. I must really sound ungrateful for this opportunity to sit almost all the time but.. it has it's downfalls. I enjoy being with Liam but—
I just can't be near Master William.
The most terrifying thing about this job is awaiting my period at the end of each month. I am always paranoid.I still want to get married and have a husband who will love me but Master William may ruin that for me. He refuses to take any precautions.
Abstinence was the best precaution.At least for me.—Master Gallagher was buckling his belt when I decided I wanted to say something. I was afraid, in a panicked state but I had to do this for my own safety. It was not acceptable for a black woman to give birth to a... mixed breed. I would certainly get punished for it and I did not plan on doing that. I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to.. but—"Is there something you would like to say? Spit it out because you look pathetic pouting your lips like that. It's not appealing nor is it attractive! Not that you're even attractive.."
I gulped down and immediately looked away. My eyes searched for my clothing."Out with it!" He said roughly, my heart started beating faster.
"M-master William.. I think we ought to be more careful. I am of age and I would still like to get married and—"
This made him laugh.I felt like an idiot.
"You actually think you will get married?" He said arrogantly, rolling his eyes. He turned to my dressing table at the corner that I had been given by Lady Tracy so I could see if I looked presentable in front of her visitors. He checked if he looked alright, fixing his blonde hair.
"Y-yes." I replied, maybe that was a rhetorical question but my hands were shaking and—
"No one will marry you. I will be honest, you're the least attractive or good looking negro I have ever come across. You should be glad even someone!"
He always somehoww found a way to deflate my confidence."But Master—"
"Don't make me repeat myself. I will continue pulling out nothing will happen. For the past three months it has been working well, have you missed your period? Bloody hell not. You didn't even attain any education so do not assume that you will be teaching me biology!"
I kept quiet.
"Am I speaking to myself?"
"N-no sir.."
"Good."
—
That night, I cried because I felt this wouldn't end well for me."Who is he?""Master—""Answer my question?" Master William yelled. I could hear my heart drumming in my own ears."Do you have any interest in him?" He questioned, clenching his jaw.I nodded, immediately earning myself a hard stinging slap on my left cheek that had me landing on the floor.Tears stung under my eyes, I didn't dare look up. I didn't dare stand up."He wants to marry me.." I finally answered. "I apologize, If I angered you Master. I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to be here. I would like to go work in the field where I belong. You deserve better. I'm not the best looking person as you have mentioned. If I don't take this marriage proposal, I fear I will not have any other future proposals." I said these words hoping they would please him and he would grant me permission to leave. It had been three months since he broke my virginity. Three months of being spoiled and ravaged by him. I hope, my agreeing to being worthless would give him the satisfaction to allow me
I was washing a load dishes after Lady Tracy's friends had taken their leave. They held a book club every month and took turns hosting at each others houses. This month was Lady Tracy's turn."Your room wreaks of a male whiff." She said out of the blue. When had she even gone down there? I couldn't open the windows so I knew she was right. Anyone who knew the smell that was produced when male and female genitalia entertwined knew well enough that it didn't go away in just a few seconds. I had learnt that the hard way over these past couple of months. It required a lot of baths."Are you bringing men into my home?" Lady Tracy scowled. She looked very angry. I had no way of answering this, I could not tell her that her husband came in every night or sometimes twice per week, it all depended on his schedule or if Lady Tracy was asleep or out."No, Ma'am."My answered seemed to aggravate her. She immediately slapped me, it stung because she wore her wedding ring and it would surely leave
"Master William was here, yesterday." My dear mother said with a gentle smile. I did not wish to speak of him. I just sighed.."What's wrong Nashe?""I want to go back home.." I immediately burst out crying. I had been holding it in for so long that being with my mother.. just made me show my vulnerability out in the open."It's not easy out here in the field, my child." She rubbing soft circles behind my back. I knew why she was happy for me... My two brothers had been sold off when they were only sixteen and we hadn't seen them in over eight years. That hurt my mother deeply, we had no communication with them.. infact we did not know if they were still with the living."I know but—""No but's, this is what's best for you. I had to serve Master William's father and it did me good. My husband was treated better and so were my kids. Well atleast a tad bit better.."I was absolutely taken aback but then it all made sense how my mother had to spend the night else where and—My brothers!
Forget when I said I had it good.Just think of it no more.I nursed the bruises on my face, mainly under my eye. I dare say, as it may be, I deserved it. Master William's had visitors, they had supper here. Upon my serving... the seemingly old aged man grabbed my behind making me lose my grip on the tray I was holding. It all went daubing all over him and his wife. I didn't do it calculatedly, I swear I didn't. I was startled, this had happened so many times to me in my life but I still managed to be startled. It was never something I would get used to.The man continuously said that my owners didn't discipline me enough and that I was a little ungrateful floozy. He also kept talking about my body. He said it was my fault that I wore a dress that outline my behind like that. I did not own any tight fitting clothes, I did not understand what he wanted me to wear. I did not respond as I cleaned up the mess. As soon as I was done, Master William stared at me with so much vile anger. Lady
Lady Tracy was a dressmaker. She worked from home, she had a room where she did everything required. Master William also had his own office. There were two guest bedrooms and yet I still slept in the basement. Sometimes.. I thought Master William wanted me in the basement because of the things.. he wanted to do to me. These words kept ringing in my head.. 'Nothing can be heard from the basement.. you can moan as you please.'My name was called.I hurriedly went to the dining room where I met Elliot. He was smartly dressed in black worn out slacks and a brown dress shirt. His black 4c hair was smartly combed. He gave me a clean white smile. His teeth were so white, they were the highlight from his dark skin. He was a tad bit lighter than myself though."You could chat a little while I go fetch Mrs. Cunningham's possessions." Lady Tracy said with a hint of amusement. "Just don't do what I wouldn't." She warned.I panicked, what if she told him that she thought we were having sexual rela
Just when I was beginning to think, I was off the hook and he wasn't coming. I heard foot steps, steady as to not make any sound. The door slowly closed. I turned to look at him. He intimidated me."Don't call me Master William, it disgusts me." He said immediately cutting me off. You disgust me! I said to myself."Call me Will." He paused. "You make me feel like a bad person which I'm not." He took slow steps approaching me. I did not wish to this close to him. To call him by his name, no!"She will kill me." I finally said. "Is that what you want? You can beat me to a pulp for saying what I'm about to say but I don't care. I will gladly take it. I don't mind dying in fact I really want to die so badly and you would be doing me a favor."He seemed amused, he gave me a smirk. I looked away. I hate this man."I like this rebellious side of you. I was starting to think you're dim-witted.""She won't kill you." He added when I remained unwaveringly quiet."If you love her why are you doi
"You never touch me, William." I heard Lady Tracy whining. The door was closed but as I cleaned the passage, I could hear. "I'm a woman, I'm your wife.. I need to be touched. Liam is five, we ought to give him a sibling already.""I will not be having kids like we're breeding chickens. Liam is enough." Master William arrogantly yelled back. I could tell he was aggravated. I could also tell that his wife was desperate."We said we would have five kids and I'm best fertile now. We planned on a big family remember? Now whenever you're with me... you never cum or you claim to be tired then roll over. Is something wrong? Would you like to see a doctor.""Woman, don't disrespect me like that! It's not my fault you're as stretched out as a rubber band.""Wi..lliam!" Lady Tracy gasped clearly shocked. I felt awful for her. I couldn't wait to be stretched out.. maybe he would leave me alone."I gave you a son." She said in a quivering voice."Yes, I'm grateful for that!""No, you aren't if you
He ignored me.Not just for a day or two but for a week. I should be happy right? I'm not not happy. He didn't talk to me. He didn't laugh with me. He didn't share crude remarks with me. He acted mutual, like he didn't care if I was there or not. I probably sound stupid for trying to get his attention. I would always expect him to say something when we were alone but he did not, he would dismiss and tell me to close the door behind me. I do not know what I did. Before I went to sleep, I replayed everything I said that day. Did I say something wrong? I probably did. Maybe I came off as rude, I just did not understand why he had suddenly become distant.It all made sense when I saw her.I was replaced.Long curly bouncy hair, green eyes and a lighter skin tone. She was obviously the result of an... unwanted affair. She was much more appealing."This is my half sister.. Mary. She will be staying with us for a bit. She will help out around the house.." Lady Tracy informed me.Half sister?