Chapter 6- I want a baby

 Amaija

I’m lying on the couch in my apartment. It’s been a month since I moved back in, and all I do is go to work, come back and watch movies. My family has been bugging me to go out, but why would I need to? Everything can be delivered nowadays. Well, everything except a man, but I’m off those for the next few years.

It’s Saturday, and I’m in my mid-Saturday routine of ice cream and N*****x. I chuckle at a joke on the tv when my doorbell starts ringing. Ugh. I know it’s someone from my annoying family. I know they mean well but trying to drag me out of the house every weekend is not helping.

Ding Dong! Ding Dong!

I turn up the tv; they will leave eventually.

Ding Dong, Ding Dong!

My phone starts ringing. I ignore it. It vibrates. It’s a text message from Brin, ugh, not her. Anyone but her, she and Federico just got engaged, and while I am happy for her. I can’t show it right now.

  “Open the door before I break it down, sis,” Brin yells at me from the outside. I read the message and groan before shuffling to my feet. I stomp to the door, annoyed, and tear it open.

"Onee Chan, aren’t you a sight for my lonely eyes,” I roll my eyes and walk away; she follows me in, I hear the door close. We walk into the living, I plop down on the sofa, grab my tub of ice cream and scoop some in my mouth.

“Ice cream and N*****x again, Onee Chan?”

“Yes, why are you here if not to stick your nose in my business?”

“What, I can’t miss my older sister?” she fires back.

 “I saw you last week,” I retort.

“That was a whole seven days ago.”I exhale sharply; I don’t have patience for this.

 “What do you want?” I ask.

“We’re going wedding dress shopping today, and I ...” Her voice gets low.

"You need your big sister to be there,” I finish it up for her.

 “Right, I know you’re off love and romance, and you have good reason to be. But you can you, come and act like the sister I know and love?” she pleads.

I sigh; although I want to be selfish and wallow in my misery, I can’t subject my family to that. “Okay, I’ll get ready.”

“Yippie, Okay, let me get a dress for you.” She jumps to her feet. I smile; I guess she wanted me to be there.

 “We’re going to a bridal shop; why do I need a specific dress?” I inquire.

“You never know who you’ll meet on the sidewalks of New York,” she gleefully answers.

Nobody, I hope.”

“Come on, cheer up; I’ll make sure you look pretty today,” she encourages me.

I groan as she drags me to my bedroom.

An hour later, we are in a bridal shop downtown – Mom, Zara, Brin, Chloe, plus all of mom’s friends we affectionately call Aunt. Since birth, we’ve known them; they practically raised us with mom and dad. We have champagne and snacks. Everybody is laughing and chatting as we wait on Brin to change.

 “Amaija,” I take a sip of my champagne.

“Yes, Aunt Ken?”

“I ran into that little boy the other day,” she tells me.

 “Which little boy?” I clarify.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Ami.”

 I sigh. “Aunt Ken, I’ve moved on. I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Kenya, leave her alone,” mom saves me.

“No, I don’t know why you waited four months to tell. So now, Now if I stab him, I can’t claim a crime of passion in court,” she retorts at mom.

 “Mom, stop it,” Zara says to her mother. 

“I’m just annoyed at that asshole,” Aunt Kenya insists.

 “We all are,” Aunt Santana butts in.

 “Yeah, he hurt our baby,” Aunt Sam adds. I sigh. I love them, but I don’t want to talk about this.

“That was a year ago; she’s happy and healthy. So let’s focus on Brin,” mom tells them. I smile at Mom as she squeezes my hand.

 “Yeah, today’s Brin’s day,” Chole says, agreeing with mom. Brin walks out on her first dress.

The room falls silent until mom burst into tears.

  “Utsukushī akachan dake utsukush (beautiful baby, just beautiful),” she cries.

“You look amazing, B,” Zara tells Brin.

“You look amazing,” Aunt Santana adds.

  “Love it!” Chole exclaims.

 “You’re gorgeous, baby,” Aunt Sam, also complimenting Brin. Brin looks at me expectantly.

“Umm, it’s nice,” I say.

“Just nice?” she asks.

“Well, it’s not my favorite,”

“Ami!” mom stops me.

 “Mom, I’m just being honest!”

“Okay, it’s the first one; I’ll go try the others,” Brin tells us. We can see the disappointment on her face as she goes back to the dressing room. Everyone glares at me.

 “What? She only gets to do this once; the dress has to be perfect,” 

“Ami, is this hard for you?” Mom squeezes my hand; I smile at her.

“No, mom, I’m happy for Brin. I want her to look perfect,” I tell her sincerely. She nods as Brin enters in the next dress.

“Stunning, my baby is so beautiful,” Mom exclaims. Everyone else agrees. Brin and the others turn to me.

 “Uh, you look like a princess,” I say. Brin beams.

“But I don’t think this is the one either,” I continue. Brin's shoulders fall, and I’m the center of all glares once again. This happens for the following five dresses until finally, she comes out in a mermaid dress with diamonds on the trims. The sight of her in that dress takes my breath away; that's the one. She sighs as everyone looks at me. I smile, get up and hug her as tears form.

“You look, beautiful sis!” I cry.

“Is this the one?” she asks me, hoping. I nod as I sob; she hugs me tight.

“Good, I was getting ready to cuss you out,” she tells me.

Chole agrees, “We all were.” I laugh as I wipe my tears. Everyone gathers around Brin, hugging her. I’m happy for her too, but I’m sad that I may never experience this, picking a dress out to meet the love of your life at the altar. I feel more tears coming; it’s all too overwhelming; I need some fresh air.

“Mom, I’m going outside,” I tell my mom, not asking for permission.

 “Okay, sweetie.” She hugs me tightly, pulls away, and strokes my cheek. I smile before turning to leave. I hurry out of the store and inhale as I step onto the sideway.

“Excuse me,” I hear someone says.

“Sorry,” I mumble; I lean against the glass. A woman around my age walks past with a stroller; she has a baby. She stops before me and adjusts the stroller so the sun won’t burn the baby. I touch my stomach instinctively; my baby would have been around that age. A couple months ago, this would make me cry but now seeing babies laughing and smiling makes me happy.

 “She’s adorable,” I can’t help but compliment the baby.

“Thank you...a lot of work though, especially when you’re doing it alone,” the mom answers me. I smile softly. Did she have a cheating ex like me?

“Men! I hate them,” I blurt out. She laughs, which makes me confused. “I’m not their biggest fan either, but I chose to do it alone.”

“Huh? Chose to do it alone?”

“Yup, got tired of waiting for the perfect man, so I went to the bank and purchased some man juice,” she tells me.

“Man juice ...” I gasp. “Sperm? Isn’t that...weird?” I ask her.

“It’s unconventional, but I’ve never been happier,” she confirms. She bought sperm; that’s just crazy.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I have to get this little one home. I’m Krystel, here’s my card. You seem like you want to know more,” Krystel tells me.

I shove her hand away. “No...no, I couldn’t...I can’t have a baby without a man. I was just curious.”

She chuckles. “If you’re curious, that means you want to know more, take my card. Call if you want to or throw it away,” she insists. She puts it in my hands; I look at it as she smiles at me and walks away.

 I watch her leave then look at her business card. Krystel Myers – Psychologist. Well, l if I don’t have to talk to her about a baby. I can always talk about my new fear of relationships or my hatred for my ex. 

"Ami, come try on the bridesmaid dress."

"Okay!" I reply. I take a last look at the card and slip it into my pocket before heading back into the shop. 

After brunch, dinner, and some very drunk mothers, I finally get back to my loft. I open the door and smile. Today was unique and fun, but I’m happy to be back home. I kick off my shoes and head to my room, pull off my clothes, toss them on the ground, and then jump in the shower. I get out of the shower and enter the closet to grab my night robe. I step on a bag, the head of a bear peeks out.

I bend down to push it back but realize what it is. It’s the bear Zara bought for the baby. The day my entire life went to crap. I pull it out and look at it. Then without thinking, I take it into my bedroom and put it on the bed. I don’t know why but it felt right. I grab my clothes off the floor as Krystel’s card slips out. I pick it up, look at it, and then back at the bear. My heart starts beating rapidly.

“Am I doing this? No, I can’t do this?”I exhale and walk to the mirror, doing what mom has always taught us to do—looking in the mirror and being completely honest with ourselves. I look at my reflection and smile.

“Amaija, what do you want?” I ask out loud. I close my eyes and part of my brain responsible for critical thinking and allow my heart to speak.

“I want a baby,” I whisper the words at first; I stand frozen with shock. That was what my heart desired, why I felt listless. I wanted someone to take care of with love.

“I want a baby,” I say louder this time.

“I want a baby,” I scream. I smile as I clutch the card; I walk to the bed and grab the bear. I want a baby, and I know just where to get one.