The feeling is there, that awful feeling that she's doing the wrong thing all over again. It had been nagging her for three days now and it's already too late to stop what was happening.
She was now officially Mrs Abubakar.
Zeenat Kabir Abubakar Abukur.
The refusal of Samira to attend the wedding had painted a grief in Zeenah’s psyche, According to her, the wedding is null and void until they cleanse their selves. Deep down, Zeenah knew she was right one way or the other, but she still couldn't bring herself to accept what they did was wrong and ought to cleanse themselves before marriage.
Well, whatever the case maybe___the deed had already been done.
The soft tap on the door brought her out of her reverie. She quickly drew the veil over her head and ducked her head down. Her heart beating in anticipation. Today, it should and would be one of the best days of her life.
Abubakar sat beside her on the bed, his eyes trailing over every part of her body he could see through the dimly lighted room. The excitement is not here. He ought to be excited, this is his first night as a husband and yet___all he could feel was some hallow feeling beneath his heart. The sexual tension he had had for her in a long time was gone, the excitement also is gone and he also doesn't feel like today is his wedding night.
What had happened? He wondered.
He slowly lifted the veil and only after looking at her eyes did his heart jumped a bit. And then she smiled and his eyes trailed along her wide lips. So beautiful__ he thought.
He took both of her hands into his and felt how soft they were like they were three days back. Maybe that was why he was not excited__he knows everything she has and how she feels on every part of her body when being touched. He knows her reaction to certain things and what she likes best.
Before he knew all these, he had been wondering how she feels or how She'll react to his kisses and so on, and now__after knowing all that...the thrill is gone leaving him with the remembrance of the first time every day. It'll never be the same again___he thought.
"We are finally two souls bounded in one. Tow hearts bounded in one and two people bounded in one. I know I'm not a perfect husband, but I'll try as much as I can to always make you happy Zeenatu. Thank you for being mine."
She looked at him through her tear-stained face and felt like this was the first time they had met and spoke. It looks so unreal listening to him tell her such words. She had been right when she fell in love with him. Every ounce of guilt she once felt was washed away by his words. She is his__and he; hers.
"Thank you for making me yours, thank you for accepting me the way I am. Thank you for your love. I love you."
He knew he still loved her, what worries him was his lack of excitement of having her in his arms___in his own House, on their matrimonial bed. What the hell is wrong with him?!
He hugged her tightly, all in hope for the thrill to come back or so, yet__he felt nothing. Deciding to finally give up, he kissed her on her forehead, and then the tip of her nose and finally her lips before he stood up.
He looked at her closely and noticed how heavy she breaths___there's nothing he still can do.
"Have a goodnight rest Zeenatu. See you in the morning" and he left.
Zeenah felt as though a bucket of cold water had been poured all over her. What had happened? What is with the new behaviour? What had she done? Shouldn't he be with her on their first night? Shouldn't he hold her in his arms for a while? Ask them to pray and then consummate their marriage?
'What is there to consummate when you've both consummated the marriage before getting married?' Her subconscious asked.
She closed her eyes and felt her chest constrict at the pain deep within her. She hopes whatever it ends today. She can't handle heartaches like this.
Abubakar woke up the next day with a terrible migraine. He knew the cause of the migraine was because he wasn't able to sleep. This was his first night at his own home, with the woman he loves, but yet... there was nothing exciting about it. And that baffles him so much.
Where was the excitement that had been building in his for months now? Why doesn't he feel anything? What had happened to their connection?
He took a slow bath with the thoughts of how Zeenah had slept. Worse than him? Or did she have a good night's rest?
He stepped out of his room and saw Zeenah sitting in the living room already. Dressed in a blue and orange Ankara, she draped a blue veil on her head. Her face was glowing and he couldn't resist smiling at the figure before him.
"Good morning, Matar Abubakar Sadeeq." He greeted as he sat beside her.
Zeenah ducked her head down and smiled shyly. "Morning, Angon Zeenatu."
"How was your night?" He took both of her hands in his and squeezed, and Zeenah could swear she felt a spark she had never felt, not even when he was making her his.
" It was fine, Alhamdulillah. Yours?"
"Terrible," Abubakar replied looking her directly into the eyes. "I couldn't sleep, I don't know why. I wanted to sleep in the same room with you, but I just was not feeling that connection, that excitement or thrill. What happened to us?" He asked slowly.
Zeenah had wondered the same thing. But she knew that they both knew what the answer was, they just didn't want to admit it
"Stress?" She asked slowly, knowing that she was lying.
"Yes, stress." Abubakar agreed, before placing a soft kiss on her forehead. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"As salaamu alaikum" they heard a voice saying. Abubakar quickly released and stood up. It was some of his relatives and hers. Damn! Abubakar thought angrily, now...he won't be allowed to spend time with his wife. Damn some of the Hausa traditions!
1 week later.
She knew that something was off, ever since the first-night __Zeenah knew that things had changed between them, but she didn't know things will be this way.
They would spend the day together, chat and laugh. But once its night time___the atmosphere changes and they both sleep in their separate rooms. This is not what she had wanted nor what she had hoped for.
All these are bonuses to the pains she had been going through for over two weeks now. Nausea, stomach pain, cravings, and so on. She had wanted to tell him but brushed off the issue every time she wanted to. But not anymore. Today, she felt worse and he's yet to check up on her.
Every morning, they meet up in the sitting room and exchange pleasantries. No one goes to the other person's room. They had been acting like strangers than married couples.
She Winced when she felt her stomach twisting and quickly rushed to the bathroom to throw up. The third time this morning.
She crawled back to her room and sat down on the tiled floor, her back on the bed. She closed her eyes and rested her head by the side of her bed but quickly opened them after a while.
What if? She wondered in shock. What if she really is?
Picking up her phone, she quickly typed a text to Abubakar and waited for him, only to hear the door to her room being banged loudly before it was jacked opened.
"What the hell do you mean by getting you a pregnancy kit? Are you pregnant? Whose baby are you carrying in your womb Zeenah? Goddammit! How dare you betray me? We've been married for only a week and you're pregnant? Pregnant?"
She opened her eyes slowly but quickly shot them back. She tried opening them for the second time and slowly adjusted to the white roof above her. Where was she? She wondered as she looked around and saw that the walls were also painted white.She tried turning to her right side but felt a sharp pain pierce through her throat. It hurts a lot she thought."You're awake, Ya Allah. Thank you for waking up, you scared me Zeenatu. I'm so sorry okay? I won't do it again__I promise."That was when she felt the warmness of another hand in hers. She felt the hand being squeezed and kissed slowly. What happened? She thought again."I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done it, I know I shouldn't have let my anger cloud my sense of judgement. But please forgive me, I promise not to repeat it again."That was when everything crashed back to her memory. The slaps. The chocking. And the beating with the b
It wasn't as though,he had ever had the intention of beating his wife. It was not a dream and definitely not the best thing he had ever done. He's sure there's more to what he did than what was let out.The feeling of remorse flowed through his veins like some blood he survives on. He feels pathetic for ever raising his hands at her. But then, what will take away the thought of her having the baby that isn't really his?He inhaled deeply, his right hand over his face, as his right leg was sprawled on the floor in his bedroom, while his left foot was crossed over. He had been sitting in the same position for the past two hours ever since he had left the hospital with Khadija.He knew she was still preparing the food she was asked to, but he still couldn't bring himself to forget her expression when she saw the mess and dried blood trailing in the living room. What was she thinking? That couldn’t be brought to hi
A fraction of what was happening these days felt so unreal to her. She had always known that her Abubakar was romantic, but not as he had been these past few days.Guilty conscious, perhaps?Probably.He might have really changed like he had been saying for the past few weeks. Her Abubakar is finally back and more of an upgrade. Zeenah thought happily as she prepared his breakfast. But as soon as she cracked an egg, she felt nauseous and had to run to the nearest toilet and threw up.When will this morning sickness ever end, she wondered sadly as she leaned her back against the sink trying to catch up her breath."Thought I made it clear that I don't like you stressing yourself with your condition?" She heard his voice behind her."I was just preparing your breakfast.""You shouldn't have bothered" Abubakar replied as he helped her back to the living
The baby is gone' was the thought that crossed Zeenah's mind as soon as she opened her eyes, surveying her surrounding, she realized she was in a hospital, AGAIN.This was the second time she had been admitted to a hospital ever since she had gotten married months back. Was it a coincidence? Or was something certainly wrong with their marriage?''Kin tashi?'' (Are you awake?), she heard his voice whisper ''I thought I was going to lose you.'' Abubakar added as he moved close to her, taking her right hand which was free of drip in his and squeezing it so tight. His heart jerked at the feel of her cold hands in his.Zeenah looked up at him with her doe brown eyes and noted the dark circles around his eyes. Oh, how she loves this man as much as he loves her.''What happened?'' She managed to ask softly, her voice so soft that he had to strain his ears more to get what she was trying to say.A
Two days later, Abubakar notified Zeenah that he would be travelling to Zaria on a matrimony basis; Zeenah stared at him, in her thought, asking who could this be that she is not aware of and moreso, never heard about."Yaayy! should I get my bags ready too?''She interrupted Abubakar from operating his phone. “Pack your bags and go to?'' He asked slowly.''I thought you'd be taking me along, ain’t you?''Did I say so? What gave you that impression?''Okay, Zeenah thought. Why was he getting all worked up over something that simple?''Never mind. I'll get your bag ready then. By the way, who's this 'anonymous friend’ of yours?'' She asked, air quoting the favourite cousin's part.Okay! He had had enough of her bullshits. ''When was it made a policy for me to tell you everything about myself? I can't remember when the law was p
They were in their sixth month of marriage, and Zeenah comprehended that Abubakar's bad days, the days she was required to sympathize and compensate for every small injustice done to him, were outnumbering the good days. She didn't know how to fix that, but she suspected it was her fault. She knew other people's marriages were different, that they didn't constantly worry about how to anticipate their husbands' needs, they weren't always walking on eggshells. Certainly, her own parent's marriage hadn't been like this.She seems to subscribe to nightmares, leaving her exhausted the next day. She dreamt of losing a tooth or falling from tall buildings, a skyscraper perhaps. Or being chased by things she couldn't put her fingers on."It is bizarre and cryptic," she related to Abubakar one morning as he sips his coffee, "this new one I had last night. I was in a park somewhere, just walking by myself, and my right leg fell off. No blood or anyt
She tossed and whirled to her left side, a smile lingering on her lips. She had had one of the best nights since the past two weeks. How else can she be convinced not to fall in love with Abubakar over and over every single time when he's this sweet? She scoffed when she remembered Samira's words before she had married Abubakar.'Don't do it, you're going to regret it.'But she hadn't, and she never will. Abubakar has been one of the most incredible things to have ever happened in her life. They might have their bad days, but isn't it the same with every couple out there? Those ups and downs were what made them strong as couples.''You're awake.'' She heard his deep voice say behind her, and she smiled. She slowly opened her eyes and turned towards the sound of his voice.Abubakar was standing in the middle
“You look so thin,” Samira Bashir started as she settled on one of the couches illuminating Zeenah’s living room. “are you okay? Is something bothering you? In fact, you look so nervous Zeenah,” she added, accessing her friend’s appearance from head to toe.Zeenah forced a sad smile and sat beside her friend. "What if I am pregnant?”“Are you?” Samira asked quickly, “because if you are, you’re still in a mess. Remember, you’re yet to cleanse yourselves. Zeenah, do that before it’s too late, please.”“But Abubakar is not ready,” Zeenah heard herself saying. Even to her ears, the words sound shoddy. What was really wrong with her?It was a bright Monday morning, and she recalled the little fight she and Abubakar had before he left in the morning just because Samira was visiting. It had been long since any of her f