I hate myself

♥Amyla Robert♥

I have been waiting for my mom to leave for three hours now. But she does not want to. She is turning around receiving calls and giving me all sorts of medication.

I have not told her the main prob yet. I am just waiting for her to be steady for a while.

The thought of not telling her what happened really ate the hell out of me last night. So, I decided to let it out today after she comes back from work. Since she is still at home. Why shouldn't I just tell her?

After some moments of up and down movement, she came closer to me who was still laid in bed and touched my forehead to check my temperature.

I felt satisfied for the first time from her reaction and care.

She sat down next to me and asked

"Feeling any better?"

I nodded slightly with a faint smile on my face

After some moments of silence and thinking, I said

"Mom" 

She brought her gaze to me with a soft gaze in her eyes asking

"Do you need anything?"

"No. Just want to tell you something" I replied

She was a little shocked hearing that from me. From the look she gave me. I naturally do not have discussions with my parents. Maybe because they are never around or because they have better things doing than listening to me or because I just do not like sharing things with them. I guess the last one is what it is.

I love keeping things to myself but, that it is causing my parents never really had time for me. So, I just got used to it. And now that is why it became a habit. 

Yet, she should not be that surprised because she has never really spent time with me.

I just looked at her "like seriously" within me and went over with what I wanted to say

"Mr. Laurence. Came yesterday to look for you. Did he tell you that?" I asked

"Yeah, he did. He thought I'll be coming over earlier" she said

I nodded slowly raising my brows and said 

"Really!?"

"What do you mean "Really!?"?" She asked furrowing brows

"I've never liked that man. And yesterday evidence was clear. He is a monster." I said

"I don't know the reason you're saying this but, Mr. Laurence a good man. And if you cannot accept that not. I am sorry. Because he will soon be your stepdad" She said, and I looked at her unbelievably

"Don't tell me you're planning on moving in with that beast!?" I said furiously

"Mind your words, Amy! I am your mother. And I decide who I want to be with. Not only for me but for your sake" she said 

"My sake!? You have no idea what you are talking about! He ra--" I didn't complete my words when she said

"Enough! This discussion is over! I do not want you to talk about him or what is good for me or not! You are going to lay here and rest. While I go prepare for work" she said, and my heart ached.

If only she heard me out, I will not have felt the way I feel now.

You know the worst thing that can happen to you. It is when your parents or people so close to you do not even give you a listening ear.

They feel so right in everything they do. That is why so many children feel unloved and abandoned

All these while I felt relaxed that my mom would hear me out but, she just disappointed me so badly.

I do not think I can ever trust her and tell her anything. Ever! This would be my last mistake.

After she left and went to prepare for work, I just laid in bed helplessly.

I needed to get this out of me. I could not call my dad because he will not even answer my call.

I was so frustrated and obsessed. It started running me mad. I wanted to commit suicide.

could not control the huge anymore. I went to my drawer and took my medication out.

I removed all of them and was drinking when my mom came in.

When she saw what I was having in hand, she opened her eyes wide and rushed to me

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" She said ceasing the drugs from me.

"If you could at least just hear me out!!" I said in the brick of tears 

"I don't need to hear you out before you stop behaving crazy." She said and tears rolled down my cheeks

"I'm going to go now. So, you, do not do anything stupid while I am not around, I will bring you to Mrs. Craig place. So, you could spend time with Jenifer" She said 

"She called telling me Jenifer went to apply in the same school you'll be transferring to," She said again

Jenifer is my classmate and her family has known our family for a long time now.

I liked her company but, she seems really confusing. Sometimes she seems caring, while the next moment, she is bussy towards me.

And since she is the only friend I ever had, I just must play along. Anything she tells me to do, I will do it.

I do not want to spoil the relationship we have because I will not find another.

Whenever there is a misunderstanding, I will always be the one apologizing, even if I am right.

She is the only one I get close to once a while at school.

She is so popular at school too. Having so many friends around like a celebrity.

I wished I were like her. Very social, beautiful, and talented.

They say God created every one of us perfect...in his image. But I do not think so. Some people are accepted. And that is me.

I feel so unfit, not smart, and beautiful. No guy comes close to me. 

Everyone hates me and I hate myself too.

I always try dressing like Jenifer to impress people but end up laughing and mocking at me the most. So,

I had to stop

I have been texting Jenifer for days now and she has not replied till now.

After my mom said that, she told me to take my bath and dress up.

I did because Jenifer was involved, and I wanted to meet her. So, I did not hesitate as I tried taking my bath and joined my mom later to their place.

♥........♥

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