I was really nervous and had started pacing in my living room waiting for his reply. My phone pinged in my hand, and for a moment I thought about blocking him and just going to bed. No, I was not going to be a coward, I was going to go have sex with a random guy. I take a deep breath and open his email. He gave me directions to a place that was about five minutes away. He included his phone number and told me to call when I got there, and he signed this email Jayce.
“Kendra, I um I am going to go out.” I call out to her.
“What are you talking about it is almost eleven, where are you going?” She immediately asks me back.
“Well you know that guy that placed the ad, I am going to go have sex with him.” I cannot even believe that I just said those words out loud. Kendra is laughing at me.
“Hell, yes girl, it is about time that yo
“Mom I need you to sign this form, we are taking a field trip.” My eldest son was holding a paper out for me to sign, as I am in the kitchen stirring noodles for dinner.“Alright just set it on the table, I will sign it after I finish up dinner. What are the other kids doing?” I ask Levi.“Savannah is reading a book, and Jacob is currently playing a game upstairs.” Levi said with a sigh.“What is wrong kiddo? You seem down.” I ask him out of curiosity.“I am not down, just bored. Shawn is at a birthday party, and Kenny is at his dads house.” Shawn and Kenny are Levi’s best friends and they can usually be found hanging out together during the day. My son goes quiet for a moment before he gets a little nervous. “Mom, um are we going to have to go to Dad’s house, like Kenny does?”
Life was falling into a new routine, and I can not say that I was all too happy with the way things were going. Kendra was working but was still not helping much with the bills. She was going out a lot more too, and although I did not feel like I had a say in her personal life it was quickly impacting my life. Instead of helping to pay the rent, or the electric bill, she was more worried about her party life. She was coming home drunk, stumbling over furniture and being very noisy. Often times her racket would wake either me or the kids. When her children would visit on weekends, I would find myself cleaning up after them, and ensuring that they ate. Kendra was spiraling out of control, and I was not sure what to do about it.I tried to talk to Kendra about the bill situation, informing her that she needed to start paying to live there or she needed to go back to Kelly’s house. Kendra would make promises that she would get some of the
I have finished getting dressed for work right as Donavon makes it to the house to watch over the kids. He does not knock, walking in as if he still lives there.“Why did you need me here if Kendra is here?” He asks me barley keeping the anger from boiling over in his words.“She is drunk, and I do not trust her to keep an eye on the kids if there is an emergency while she is like this. I put her to bed as soon as she stumbled in the door. I am not asking you to do much Donavon, just stay here and sleep and handle the kids if anything should pop up.” I am already exhausted talking to him. Just seeing him releases a tornado of emotion inside me. It is like there are two parts of my body and brain that react to him. On one hand I can see the boy that I married, he has not changed much in the looks department and I have always found him handsome. On the other hand, looking at him churns my stoma
One good thing that came out of this morning is that the kids had a splendid breakfast. I made them pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage. It is not normal for me to cook breakfast, and especially not a feast like this. I needed to keep moving though, if I stopped the sight of them in my living room floods my mind. After the kids have eaten, I grab the broom and dustpan so that I can go sweep up the glass from the broken bottle. I know that later the kids will be in the living room, and I would not be able to forgive myself if one of them got hurt because of my stupid anger.I hate that I even have to walk back into my living room. It feels tainted now. I am mad at myself for throwing the bottle against the wall. Now I have to be the one to clean up the mess. I guess that is what I always do, clean up messes. I sigh as I move the chair away from the wall. I am going to have to pull out the vacuum to clean the glass off of the chair. As I sweep
Looking down at my phone I am hating the fact that I have to work tonight. I could use a moment where I do not have to think at all, just feel and react. Jayce’s message is asking me how my day was. I do not know if I should be honest with him. Yes, we had an amazing talk, where we both opened up about our life but would today be too much for him to handle? Would I farther be crossing the line if I told him that I was not doing well? Evidently, I take too long pondering how to answer because he sends another text. This time he is asking if he did anything wrong.Obviously, I am overthinking the situation. I quickly let him know that no he did nothing wrong I am just having a bad day. He asks if I want to come over. I tell him that I would love to but that I have to work tonight. He sends me a sad emoji face. I agree with him it is sad. Just thinking about Jayce’s hands and lips on my body is enough to make me wet. Then he asks m
My life quickly fell into a new routine. The kids were helping around the house more. I switched from caregiving at night, to caregiving during the day. The bills were still piling up quickly, so I took a second job that was part time working as a bartender. I did not get to see Jayce that much anymore, but we have shared a few more nights of unbridled passion. The sex was definitely my favorite stress relief. I filed for child support from Donavon, but nicely got informed that because he is considered a disabled Veteran there was not much that they could do. They could not garnish his disability check, and he never applied for social security, so the children do not get benefits from that either. I basically get told that I can pursue a child support case if I want to, but it would be a huge waste of my time.It seemed like no matter how much I worked the bills got higher and higher, and there was no help in sight. I used coupons to help c
Jayce and I keep up steadily texting back and forth for a few weeks after his visit to the bar. Unfortunately, I still do not have a lot of time, but I have found a few times to go and see him. I keep thinking that eventually the sex will get dull or lose the spark that seems to consume us, but it does not happen. Each time is a little different, exciting, and new. I have gotten comfortable with our situation, and sometimes I am the aggressor now. At times we spend the whole time humping each other, other times we cuddle and talk afterwards. Feelings are definitely forming, for both of us; at least I think they are. Even on nights that we do not get to see each other we text or call. He still sends me music when I need it most, often times I play it when I am closing up the bar.Christmas is not the same this year for anyone in the house. The church adopted the kids for Christmas and their gifts are wrapped under the tree. No matter how har
At the end of January, I knew that Jayce and I were done. He never responded to any of my text messages, and he sent all my calls to voicemail. I hate that I was the reason we ended the brief interlude that we had. I missed feeling his hands on my body, and I really missed having him as a friend that I could talk to. I was mad at myself for reading too much into our time. I really thought that Jayce liked me as more than just a person he was having sex with. Perhaps men are not like women and they can freely have sex without ever developing a deeper connection. I cried a few times over the situation, but at the end of the day life went on.I was still working crazy hours, although with Christmas out of the way things were starting to look up slightly. Levi was doing an excellent job helping take care of his siblings. I still harbor a lot of guilt for needing to lean on my own child, but I did not have any other options. The kids were actual