Life's disappointments

Bip...bip...bip...

That sound.

Bip...bip...bip...

That annoying sound.

I hated that sound.

It rang inside my head like a church bell, making it ache and throb; excruciatingly.

I wanted to beat hell out of whoever or whatever was making that dead annoying sound.

It continued,

Bip...bip...bip...

How bad was it that I heard that sound and wished it wasn't my heart beating on a life support machine, but a cherubim choir, or a heavenly instrument; hell, I wished it was even the devil's trumpet. I wished it to be anything but what it actually was.

How disappointing.

I woke up and felt my body aching all over, strained to one position and laid down horizontally on a soft all white ned; that annoying bipping sound still making my head throb.

Why was death so damn uncomfortable? I asked myself. Hopefully I was dead. But how long till I got to see my family then?

The ache I felt all over made it more difficult for me to think about if I really was dead or not. I tried fighting the urge to push open my eyes for fear of being disappointed. But they itched to be opened and resistance was not favouring me.

I could have still been alive.

"Mara! Mara can you hear me?" I heard a voice calling.

Was I in the land of the dead? Was that my mother? Or sister?

Of course I could hear them but why could I? It is supposed to be an endless pit of emptiness; death was suppose to be less painful and uncomfortable. Why the heck then was there a voice in it? An unsettling voice for that matter.

"Mara!" the next voice I heard, the voice followed was familiar; very familiar if you asked me.

Issa!

Of course she was here; and I wasn't dead; neither was I ready to face her judging eyes. I wanted to open my eyes, look around and find myself in that place people go to when they die, but life's disappointment had sealed its fate with me and my expectations were never met.

"Maraïda Elina Mendoza! I know you can hear me! Just please open your eyes and tell me you're OK." I could feel the agony in voice. I could feel the pain in her words, the tears in her hoarse voice. But I couldn't bring myself to regret anything. I hadn't intentionally jumped inside the highway to be knocked out by a running vehicle: but I still didn't regret it. It was an epic fail but still, no regrets.

Although the feelings in me were all practically dead, in my mind I knew I had to feel sorry for Issa, she was the last person by my side who still cared and felt sorry for me.

I opened my eyes and the flash of light stung a little. The harsh brightness forced me to shut them back tight. A few blinks, retries and I could finally keep them open. I looked around and it was confirmed,

I was in a hospital. Not heaven! Not hell! Not even the in between. Damn it!

Issa's eyes were swollen and her face all red. For a split second I thought a part of me that could no longer feel felt pity and remorse. I felt hurt, a little, but not enough to want to feel sorry for myself.

First things first, I scanned my surrounding. A doctor stood literally in my face, by his side was another man, a male nurse. On the other side was my dear Issa; looking like a bereaved widow. But apart from them, no other person.

But I remembered a man, that man. That same man from that night. His face, his voice, his touch!

Where was he? 

He was there in the city, he was there!

I was sure.

Maybe he was just a nightmare afterall, or a bad fantasy; a nightmare I had in my subconscious while I strode the streets like I owned them.

Or maybe it was as a result of the accident. Maybe it was all my mind's trick on me and I was only hallucinating. Maybe he wasn't even real,

"What happened?" I asked in my croaky voice. I remembered the accident, but I just wanted to be sure the rest of what happened before it was my illusion.

"You were involved in an accident Miss Mendoza. You're lucky to be alive after such a hit." The doctor said. He was tall, lean, with freckles scattered all across his face. His brunette brown curls framing his face perfectly.

Lucky me!

"Mara, are you OK?" Issa asked.

"She'll be fine miss Isadora. She just needs to rest. You need no longer worry." Dr. Seuss as I read on his name tag said. He left with the nurse following closely behind.

"How did I get here? Who brought me here?" I needed to be sure he was just a bad memory stuck in my head. But then again, I felt he had been too real to be my imagination. As crazy as I was getting, I could still make a difference between real and imaginary; somehow.

"I got a call that you were here. I came as soon as I heard. Please tell me you didn't do this to yourself on purpose. It was as it is supposed to be, just an accident. Right Mara?" her voice was dry and hoarse as she spoke.

"Does it matter? Am here already. And you heard the freckled guy, I'll be fine. But how did I even get here?"

"A good man brought you in. He was good enough to take care of the bills so we have nothing to worry about there. But I am still worried about you Maraïda. I just wish you'd agree to see a specialist, get help. Maraïda you're slowly slipping away and I don't know how to help you," tears rolled down her eyes.

So he was the one who brought me here! Or maybe it wasn't him! The way he affected my mentality was something I never wanted to experience again. The moment I had set my eyes on him again, it was like a video of that night replayed live in front of my eyes.

Everything around me felt uneasy just by me thinking he was around here somewhere in the world. I was just itching to get out of the goddamned place.

"Good then. It means I'm free to go right? I need to get out of here." I struggled to push myself off from the bed, but a sharp pain shot through my lower abdomen causing me to slump back into the bed like a jellyfish in water.

What the hell had that been?

"Stop Mara, you could hurt yourself or the..." Issa started then suddenly stopped. Curiosity swarm through my mind. I furrowed my brows in a questioning manner.

"The what?" I asked, still wincing at the pain. Issa didn't answer, "am I sick? Is it bad? Am I dying or something?" she fiddled with her fingers and started chewing on her lower lip.

I knew Issa like the back of my hand and right then, she was very unsuccessfully trying to hide something from me.

"What is it Issa?"

"The doctor recommended you stay in the hospital again for a while for monitoring because... you're- you're pregnant."

"What? That's a serious joke right? Issa? I cannot be pregnant! No!" My heart was pounding in my chest, "I cannot be pregnant," tears rolled down my eyes as memories of my experience replayed in my head. I can't have a child! I could barely keep the last one alive.

No! There was no way I was pregnant or having a baby.

Pain and agony which I already had intensified. 

My life shit!