I quickly got out of the uber taxi I requested at the mall and headed inside.. the lights were still on so I knew my brother was probably watching tv. It was around 8pm, daddy was probably sleeping.
I unlocked the door and got inside..
"The movie doesn't end until 9.." My little brother said the second I walked in.
I rolled my eyes, "okay Mr time teller... what's playing?"
"Avengers... wanna join?"
I kissed his cheek when I reached him and he wiped himself making me roll my eyes, "nope.. I have to call someone.."
"Kathyyyyy..." he said singing and I walked towards my bedroom and ignored what he said, "switch off the lights when you're done.."
"Yes grumpy granny..."
I shook my head a bed a bit and locked my bedroom then texted a little birdie on the other side of the world.
But first I had to read her previous texts.
KATHY❤💯🌈: hey I miss you so much. I know you're out with your friends and all that but darn I miss you woman...
I smiled before darting my eyes to another one..
KATHY❤💯🌈: So I was watching this other movie.. I forgot the name.. but that woman who happens to be Cameroon Diaz was dating the most perfect guy ever.. only to discover that he was actually married.. I know insane... So she teams up with the wife and they find out that he is cheating on them too.. yeap it's chaos..but the point is.. the wife reminded me of you.. she was cute, innocent and an idiot.. just like someone I know😏😏😉😂😂.
The last one was sent 12 minutes ago..
KATHY❤💯🌈: okay.. that was me saying I miss you and the fact that whatever I do reminds me of you is insane. I hope you're having fun..I'll be strong and keep remiding myself that I'm seeing you in two hours..😍😘.
I smiled and quickly typed...
ME: Hey I just got back... I'll take a quick shower and then we can video call.. I hope you're ready 😊🙈🙈
ME: we will discuss the movie in the video call.. and your day and everything because I missed you too.. let me go bath now because I do this while dirty.
Then I put my phone down and ran a quick bath. In 20 minutes I was done and in my PJs.. I took my phone and saw that she texted me..
KATHY❤💯🌈: Oh God I'm not ready.. but okay.. I'm nervous.. just nerves...
I smiled and texted..
ME: I'm back.. and ready.
She quickly typed..
KATHY❤💯🌈: Should I call now?
I smiled at how cute she sounded and then called her.
I remember very well, it rang three times, the screen went black and then she appeared.
I have to say. As soon as my eyes landed on her, my heart skipped a bit. She was wearing a gray jersey and black pants.. her face... God.. where do I begin..?
She was beautiful.. I've seen her picture and thought okay she's cute.. but noooo... God she was beautiful. She was breathtaking.
I was smiling like an idiot and she smiled too.
"Hiiiiiiiiiii..." I said in almost a squeal with excitement.
'heeeey.. how are you?'
Dead looking at at Angel and you? I thought while looking at my phone screen.
God...! She was beautiful..
"I'm gooooood... and how are you.. Oh my God... you look so beautiful.."
She laughed and hid her face with her hands, 'woooow stop... I'm good too and you look beautiful too.'
"So... wooow.. I can't believe I'm seeing you.. for real..."
'me too, it feels so weird but amazing at the same time. It's really good... So how was your day...'
My day? God which part? The one where I stopped Chris from kissing me or the one on the bathroom...
I sighed not wanting to think about it, "God... I don't wanna talk about it today.. it was a lot of things.. I'll tell you some other time.. right now tell me how your day was and how you're actually doing."
She smiled, 'okay.. you know my day.. just a movie trying to distract myself so that I won't miss you so much.. but everything insanely reminded me of you I swear... so the movie I was saying....'
She spoke, by the way I was seeing her, her phone was leaning against the wall or a pillow and she was sitting on her bed.
It felt so fucken good to just sit here with my phone on my hand and listen to her tell me how a movie she watched was reminding her of me.
So, we've sent voice messages to each other before and I fell in love with the sound of her voice. I never thought it could get any better. We exchanged pictures and I put the picture to the voice... it was just amazing.. now, I was laying here in my bed and looking at her talk to me.. looking at her. I know she was a whole lot of far by distance, but I felt so close to her at this moment, I felt like I could extend my hand towards my phone and touch her.
She laughed, 'it was hilarious... you should have seen it. Idiots I tell you.. but fun.. really fun...'
I nodded my head a bit with a smile on my face, "it really sounds like they are three idiots... and fun.. there's nothing funnier than watching three women try to set up a cheating husband or boyfriend in the cases of the two mistresses... God movies we make and watch.."
She laughed at me. God.. I could listen to her laugh all the time.
She started analyzing the movie and pointing out what was important and stuff.
Katharina was very smart for a 19 year old girl. You'd think she'd act all immature and complain. But she understood a lot of things and seemed like she knew what she wanted and that was so rare for teenagers. They were constantly being ruled by their hormones... but not her. She was a different kind of a teenager and that was scaring me a bit.
"So.. how come you're so smart at 19?" I blurted out cutting her sentence short.
She blushed and hid her face, "umh... probably because I went to the school for smart kids here in Germany..."
I ached my brows at her, "wait wait babe.. you guys have school for smart kids...? Does this mean you also haave school for dumb kids?"
She laughed, 'don't put it like that... it's not school for dumb dumb kids, it's school for average kids.. you know.. okay and then school for dumb kids...'
I laughed nodding my head, "yep school for dumb kids it is.. so tell me more about it..."
'...okay.. don't get bored...'
"Listening to you? I'd never.. trust me..." I said.. I mean I would never ever get bored listening to her because 1) her voice was to die for, 2ndly she had the best accent it was sexy as fuck hearing her talk and 3rdly she made everything sound interesting. She could talk about how you kill someone brutally and I'd gladly listen even though I'm a fucken coward and hate listening to stuff about murder.
She nodded her head and started explaining.
'okay.. so here in Germany when you study there's three kinda schools depending on your learning ability and how smart you are... for smart.. for average and then for the dumb ones...'
I adjusted my phone and watched as the kid spoke. My mind was listening to her but not quite. I watched her small dimple as she'd smile when she catches me smiling at her. How she'd wink and click her tongue at the same time...
She was just fucken amazing I wished I was just sitting here throughout the day listening and talking to her.
She was way better than my afternoon double date..
"I wish you were here..." I said in almost a whisper. Then she stopped talking and looked at me... 'what?'
I cleared my throat, "I wish you were here with me Kathy... I wish I could call you and talk to you anytime of the day or night because you seem to understand me, sometimes even more than I think I do.. It's like with you I don't have to explain something or even myself. You don't force me to do or be something that I am not. You are gentle and caring... and very understanding.. so I wish you were here..."
'It feels the same....you know..'
'talking to you... It feels so natural and I don't even have to force out anything.. You yourself too are accepting and very understanding.. it's like you just described how I am with you. You don't pressure me on anything and you understand what I say without me having to explain it. So I get it.. whatever you're feeling I get it because ... same...'
I smiled a bit, it felt so amazing knowing we both felt the same way, "it feels really great having you. You are absolutely the best... you know I wish I knew myself more though.. because babe I have these conflicted feelings inside me, they confuse me so much.. I wish I knew what to do or how to act."
'confuse you how?'
Okay.. I trusted this kid more than anything and so far she proved to understand me so much. Maybe if I told her what was up I wouldn't have to deal with this on my own.
"Kathy...let me be honest with you, I like you... a lot.. a whole lot it's terrifying... I have this guy in class, Chris, he is soo into me. He is cute and all that but I don't feel anything for him.. I'm confused.."
She was smiling as I said this but the moment I finished she wasn't. It kinda scared me a bit.
'oh yeah... well, I like you too.. a lot too.. as for Chris I don't know much.. but here's what I'll tell you, discovering who you are is not an overnight task.. it takes a lot.. years even. You don't have to rush anywhere.. you have all the time in the world Precious. All the time to discover who you really are.. so in the meantime while you are taking this journey.. don't complicate it by wanting to name it. Just live your life and everything will make sense as time goes...'
See what I meant? Fucken smart..
My heart was at ease listening to her talk like this. I asked, "how did you know you were gay and how old were you?"
She smiled, 'this is actually a very funny story... I... um.. so my best friend Didi and I were sitting and playing. We were 12/13 I can't remember well.. she's been talking about liking boys and a lot of shit. Saw boys she liked but I never did... so one day we were playing in my bedroom and I had won the game and I was supposed to ask her to do anything.. without even thinking.. I asked if I could kiss her, I didn't wait for her to respond.. I smashed my lips with hers" she then laughed and I did too because if something like that could happen I swear my best friend could have slapped the shit out of me.
'she didn't push me away, we kept our lips together for a few seconds and then I pulled away.. she was smiling.. then since then, it's always been girls..'
"Woow.. is your best friend still your best friend? Because if I did that to mine, she'd send me straight to jail or hell..."
We both laughed, 'yep we are still best friends, She's bisexual and I'm gay.. very gay..'
"Sexy gay, beautiful gay, smart gay, crazy gay, cute gay, amazing gay, everything gay... I know the word perfect only exist in the dictionary, but you.. you are perfect to me."
'babyyy... what the fuck my face is burning.. stop being so fucken cute and cheesy...' she said hiding her face and I laughed, "what?"
She jumped a bit and her phone fell making me see black ish only... I heard her laugh before she came back in view. I was holding my head, "ouch baby.. I fell.. and you didn't even catch me.."
She laughed more, 'i'd never miss.. if you fall I'll definitely catch you...'
"Thank you.. for brightening up my day, I swear to God you turned it around.. you're amazing, you're beautiful.."
She winked and clicked her tongue again and that sent shivers down my back.. I wish she'd stop doing that coz it made me feel things I've never felt before.
'you are beautiful. You're amazing, sexy, hot, smart, idiotic in a very cute way.. you're perfect to me baby I promise and I'm fucken glad I made your day better...'
She yawned. Haha was she sleepy? I didn't blame her, we slept after midnight this morning.
"Wanna go? We will do this again..."
She smiled, 'most definitely.. if I didn't scare you off, i'd love to do it again. I love looking at your cute self.'
I blushed, "okay stop.. so we will talk again.."
'.definitely sleep well beautiful...'
"Sleep well baby.." I said and hung up...
I had thee biggest smile on my face. My phone vibrated a lot as message after message came in.
One pop up in particular got my attention, it was from Layla..
Layla: Hey babe.. I'm sorry about what happened in the bathroom. I wish I could call you. I wanna apologize.. you looked really beautiful today.. 💜😊😉
I rolled my eyes and put my phone away without even opening the messages or responding. I'll see these tomorrow.
My Sunday started okay.. the fam got ready for church and we all went.
The pastor preached. Today he was preaching about seeking Jesus and staying with him. Leaving all sin behind and being born again.
"Jesus loves you... God loves us as we are. Let's come to him and let him lead our lives and nothing will ever go wrong. He will clear all out the confusion you feel you have..." he preached and I tried to concentrate...
After two hours that felt longer, the church was out and to my surprise the pastor asked to speak to me.
I got up and went to his office to wait.
"Hey...." my best friend said. I stood and huged her, "hey.. sorry about last night.. I was really not okay.. I hope the date ended well.."
"It ended amazing... we did it..."
My eyes shot wide open in shock, "what? You had sex with him on a first date? That is a very lesbian thing to do..."
God... I touched the wrong nerve.. Her eyes and smile turned to something and she shook her head, "don't.. don't fucken say that again... I'm nothing like those sinners..."
I internally rolled my eyes, of course she was going to be a homophobic prick.
The door opened and the pastor walked in, "ahh girls... how are you? And how's school and friends Precious..?"
"School is great pastor and so it everyone. So I'm pretty happy about everything.."
He nodded slowly and sat at the edge of his table, "sin... it does that at first.. it's like a drug... you get one hit and be happy and then find yourself wanting more and more..."
I just stared blankly at him confused since I had no fucken idea what he was talking about.
"So.. your friend is worried about you Precious... your new friends... Layla and Wendy and..."
Ahh, I should have fucken known. I turned to Julia and gave her a "really?" Look...
"What about them pastor... they are my friends..."
The old man nodded, "friends? Or more?"
I cleared my throat, "friends..."
"You know we have to pick our friends very carefully.. if you sit with sinners you end up adapting to their way of living and sin too... your friend advised me to pray for you.. but I won't do that yet since you haven't been sucked in by the sin... I'll tell you not to allow the evil spirit to control you. Don't allow anything to try and destroy the young beautiful lady you are. God loves you. Don't disappoint him. You were born to be with a man.. not a woman...."
You know I watched as this man spoke and quoted scripts from the bible telling me how homosexuality is an abomination.. and how God condemns it. How unGodly it was and how I was heading to the wrong direction by staying with those sinners...
I became scared. So scared as his words pierced and got through my mind. It was wrong. How I felt didn't matter and it was a wrong thing to feel. I was supposed to love a man or else I'll deserve to be stoned to death if I follow through with the people I used to sit with.
I needed to distance myself from them. They were wrong for me.
When we got out of that office. I felt out of place, I felt sick to my stomach... I felt empty yet my head felt sooooo big.
I didn't know what to say or even do. I couldn't look at Julia in the eye. I just went straight home.
When I got there I cooked and dished up. Today I ignored Kathy's messages and Layla's calls. I felt like crying. Like everything didn't make sense. Why did I feel this if it was wrong??
But I had to. God condemned these feelings. He didn't want me loving someone of the same sex.. he created men and women for each other...
Monday I felt like shit when I went to school, I wished I could not go, but we were finishing up the original choreography so I had to be there..
I arrived a bit late and it didn't go unnoticed..
"Thank you for deciding to finally join us here Precious..." my teacher said making me roll my eyes..
I stood next to Chris who has tried to text me throughout the weekend but I ignored him on purpose.
"Hey..." he said, "are you okay..?"
I shrugged, "yeah..."
"I'm sorry about Saturday if there's something I..."
I shook my head, "you didn't do anything.. don't apologize for it.. and please let's concentrate..."
We watched as our teacher demonstrated to us the last part of the choreography and then we started doing it too.
I did great.. pushed everything and everyone out of my mind and concentrated on this..... until we were done.
"Hey... can we talk.." Layla said and I shook my head, "no I'm good."
"Precious please.. Let's talk.. about Saturday in the bathroom..."
I shook my head not even wanting to think about that afternoon, "no Layla.. nothing happened then so there's nothing to talk about.."
The day went so slow but we kept up.. around 2pm I went to the bathroom to change and then someone else walked in. I didn't need to guess who it was because it was so obvious. I could smell her amazing perfume.
"Layla please no.. please..."
"no... I am not doing this with you..." I said shaking my head in an almost shaking voice .. I hated how weak I sounded right now. But it had to happen... I was protecting myself from sinning and turning away from God.
She walked closer to me and stood right behind me.. I could feel her body press against mine and her breath on my neck, "what are you saying Precious... I just want to talk.. please.."
I shook my head and turned around... fucken huge mistake because we came face to face... I looked at her lips, they were so beautiful and shiny.. I felt like closing the gap between us.
But I couldn't. I couldn't give in to the evil spirit....
"Layla please.. please go..." I said in almost a whisper.
"I can't do this Layla... nothing happened okay... stop playing these games and trying to pull me to sin like you.. that's not who I am.." I snapped and left her standing there shocked..
I had to stop feeling like this. It had to stop...
I went straight to Chris as he stood with his friends..
I had no idea what I was doing. But it needed to be done..
"Look.. I want to apologize for what happened... and I wanna make it up to you if you're cool with that..."
He smiled, "really? What did you have in mind?"
"Let me buy you lunch.. how's that for a start..."
He took my hand and kissed it, "sounds amazing... okay guys I'll see you, I'm being taken out by this beautiful girl.." he said the last part to his friends and they did their stupid handshakes before he took my hand.
Right then.. Layla walked back to the studio and her eyes landed on mine..
She shook her head at me and mouthed something in the lines of "please....?"
I held tight on Chris's hand,
"So... what do you feel like eating?"
Chris and I walked to Burger King. He was smiling like an idiot and his dimples were showing. God this guy was so cute, why didn't I have feelings for him?He opened the door for me and we got inside. The coldness of the winter was really hitting us.. I turned to him, "so, what do you feel like having..."He smiled, "for real... you're actually taking me out and paying? I mean I can pay..."I shook my head, "I'm paying. So what do you want...?"He squinted his eyes cutely at the board and started reading, then he pointed, "umh.. that burger please..."I told the lady in front of me and said she should make it two..."Sitting or take always...?" The lady asked and I looked at Chris, "do you mind if we chill?"He shook his head and took the slip on my hand, "go check for a place upstairs..."
KATHY❤💯🌈: hey, I had thee shittiest day.. can I video call you now or are you busy? My heart skipped a bit when I read that text. It was the best thing yet not thee best because she didn't have a good day. I mean I could relate.. my day was also upside down..I went straight to my room and started video calling her.'heeeeeeey'A fucken smile in my face spread wide as she came in view on my screen. She was wearin a white shirt with a USA flag.. I laughed a bit since she was in Germany, "hey baby... how are you?"She shook her head and sighed, 'not as good.. I had a fucken awful and long day.... how about you? How are you?' I cleared my throat trying to figure out how I was really feeling. It was weird a bit. I felt something towards Kathy everytime we talk and thought of her every second when Layla touched me..then I felt weird
I couldn't believe what I did. After kissing Chris I immediately left without talking to him or listening to what he wanted to say.On the other side, her eyes... I could feel them on us, on me as I made my way out of the studio I felt so empty, weird and lost..I quickly got a taxi and went home. I felt sick.. physically and emotionally. I was tired...I had so many questions in my head. It was clear.. It was so clear that this was wrong... but how do I go about? Where do I start?I've seen people get hurt, I've seen them get killed, discriminated, be picked on... could I handle that? Could I handle the hate from people I valued, people I love, people who have been here from me from the start? The church? My best friend? My father? Everyone?I couldn't...As I imagined everyone turning away from me I couldn't... I couldn't do this. I couldn't follow my heart. I couldn't do
I jumped away from Layla and turned around, "hey...""What's happening here?" She asked with her nose ached you'd swear she was disgusted by the sight."We are dancing...?" I said already not in the mood for what was about to go down."Really? Her lips are literally on your neck and you are telling me that you are dancing. Precious do you think I'm dumb.."Layla got up, "Umm.. calm down.. I wasn't trying to get her pregnant... like she said we were about to dance..""I thought you had shit to do when you left early this morning, leaving me behind..""I did Julia and this is it.""Her sucking on your neck.. I thought we talked about this. You stay away from her.. or do you want me to tell the whole church about this..."My heartbeat... I could literally feel it and I felt like if I looked at my chest I'd see it pumping in and out of my ch
I quickly got home and started cleaning up the mess that was left by my little brother and so called best friend.I smiled a bit when I realized that she cooked. Great, minus one thing for me and more time with Kathy..My phone startee ringing and I answered, "dady...?"'I just got your brother a bus to go to Umtata... I'll be there a bit late waiting for it. You can just put my food in the microwave...' I smiled, I love my brother with all my heart, but a break from him is a blessinh, "thank you daddy but I'll stay up.. I have a few things to do and something to tell you. So I'll see you when you get back."'Is everything okay?' He sounded worried. Aww my poor old man."Daddy.. we will talk when you get here..."'okay I'll be there soon...' "Wait.. did you pack everything that he'll need?"
"Shit I'm tired... I just couldn't wait until we sit down.."I smiled joining her as we sat by the couch at Nandos, "yeah my legs are killing me. If I can't dance, then it's your fault."She laughed, "oh God I'm so sorry okay... can we order something before I go further with my apology.. I'm thirsty and hungry.."I took the menu and checked what I wanted, I wasn't that much hungry but I just wanted something to drink, it was July and cold but darn noo, I was craving for something cold."Can I have an appletizer.. then I'll know what I want..." I said to the lady in front of us and Meagan ordered something in the lines of a cream soda.We kept in looking at the menu and Meagan laughed, "I'm thinking full chicken."I joined her too by laughing, "if you are that hungry you'll end up eating me too.. should I be scared.."She looked at me and bit the inside
KATHY🌈💯❤: As you wake up, I want you to know that you are beautiful and smart and funny and are an idiot. Someone out here really cares and loves you.. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your special life. Good morning and all the best for your interview... I love you.❤ I woke up to that text causing me to smile like an idiot.The message was sent around 23:59...Fuck.. this is thee greatest way to actually wake up.I typed back.ME: you are just thee best. I swear. Waking up to this soothed my nerves and made me the happiest girl alive. I sent the message amd got up to go take a bath. I was really feeling amazing after that message from Katharina..The bath didn't take long because I just wanted to be out and for this day to be done with. As much as I was excited about the interview I was
BESTIE: I talked to Paster Zondi and he agreed to come pray for you so that you can find the right path... you're straying from the word of God.. you're walking away from him. One day you'll understand that I am doing this because I love you... you are my best friend and I don't want that to stop. So on Thursday afternoon we will go to his place.. he has an opening after the late prayer with the youth. I pray you come with me...." My jaw was literally on the floor as I read the text from my so called best friend... you know a person who I thought would never turn their back on me.You know sometimes when shit happens we sometimes are lucky or blessed enough to have people who are in our corners.I remember back in high school when some girl wanted to beat me because her boyfriend kept asking me out. As if it was my fault that the dude couldn't leave me alone.Julia came through a