Chapter One

All my life I've been questioning my existence. Why I am here? Why am I suffering? Why do I have to feel this? Am I a bad person to feel this kind of pain?

But I don't get any answer.

Life isn't fair.

I felt the unfairness of it, the inarguable injustice of love.

How about love?

What is love?

Love is everything.

Love.. Something that feels good to feel again and again. Pain or happiness, I'll live for love.

But then.. Until when?

Not until I realized that..

Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go.

It's suffocating.

"Don't you think it's unfair, Willy?" I asked him.

He shrugged and face me, "As for me, yes. You know.. I can't even tell now that I've known you for years. You've changed. A lot." He answered.

I chuckled and sip on my vodka. They don't get my point here. Parang wala silang alam sa nangyari. Mali ba na gustuhin ko na lang na akin na lang iyon?

"We are supposed to." Seryoso kong sabi sakaniya na lalo niyang ikinailing. I laughed. Silly.

Kinabukasan ay tanghali na kaming nagising dalawa. He cooked a lot of food and told me na darating sina Krystal at Penelope to join us for lunch.

I took a bath and finished everything I have to do and packed things that needed to work. Naririnig ko na ang ingay nila sa labas. Kinuha ko ang kwintas ko at nilagay iyon sa bag ko bago lumabas ng kwarto.

Naabutan ko silang nakaupo na at inaantay nalang ako para kumain. Naagaw ko ang atensyon ni Krystal kaya napangiti ako. "Ay oh, fresh ang ate mo," tatawa tawang aniya.

Nilapag ko muna ang gamit ko sa sofa bago umupo sa tabi niya. "Ang dami mo namang dala?" tanong ni Penelope.

Ngumiti ako bago sumagot. "E kailangan.."

Nagsimula kaming kumain. Si Krystal ay hindi matigil ang bunganga kakakwento sa ex niyang si Elvin na nakita raw niya kahapon na may kasamang babae.

"Naka move on na ako mga teh.." paulit ulit niyang sinasabi kahit wala namang nagtatanong.

"Naka move on ka na pala eh, bakit andami mo pa ring hanash?" seryosong tanong ulit ni Penelope.

Nanlaki ang mata ni Krystal nang magets ang sinasabi ni Penelope. "Hoy! Grabe ang judgmental mo, Penny! Naka move on na ko. Promise! Ikaw ba Beatrice kapag nakita mo si Aidan anong mararamdaman mo?"

"I didn't feel anything at all. It was unexpected," I said.

"Didn't?!" sigaw ni Penelope.

Tumayo ako dahil tapos na rin naman akong kumain. Kumuha ako ng pagkain ni Adi at binalewala ang tanong nila.

"Nagkita kayo?" ngayon ay mas maayos na ang boses niya. Ngumiti ako bago tumango.

"Nagkita sila kahapon. Sa hospital." si Willy ang sumagot para saakin.

Nagtoothbrush muna ako bago bumalik sakanila. Nakaupo na silang lahat nang datnan ko. I knew it. Wala na rin naman akong choice.

"We met yesterday." I started. I looked at Adi who's busy chewing his food. "Her daughter had a dengue and was rushed to the hospital." I continued.

"Eh bakit sila nasa Maynila akala ko ba nasa Canada sila?" tanong ni Krystal.

"He told me that he decided to move here for good plus next week is his daughter's fourth birthday." I told them what he told me. "You know.. I don't know what to feel at all when I saw how he cared for his daughter." I smiled.

"E anong plano niya? Apat na taon na anak niya tapos kayo—" Pinutol ko ang balak niyang sabihin and showed them my necklace.

"I'll end everything today," ani ko bago sila iniwan doon.

Naging busy ako sa buong maghapon dahil masyadong marami ang mga pasyente. Hindi ko alam kung napaano ang iba ngunit ang nagparami sakanila ay ang banggaan na naganap sa Kamuning kaninang tanghali.

Nang matapos ako sa pagtatahi sa ulo ng karamihan ay pinalitan na ako ni Nurse Rhea na kapapasok lang. I heard that she's on leave today pero nang nalaman nyang maraming pasyente ngayon ay hindi siya nagdalawang-isip na pumasok.

"Magpahinga ka na muna. Ako na rito. Hindi ka pa raw kumakain sabi ni Nurse Elise," aniya habang abala sa pagkakabit ng IV sa isang pasyente.

Nilingon ko ang mga naroon. Lahat sila ay naasikaso na. Ngumiti ako kay Nurse Rhea bago nagtungo sa canteen.

Gabi na rin kaya kaunti nalang ang mga nandito. Nagsisiuwian na rin ang mga bisita dahil patapos na ang visiting hours.

Mamayang ala-una pa matatapos ang duty ko. 'Yong brunch na kinain pa namin kanina ang siyang natatanging laman ng tiyan ko. And with that fact, I started to feel my hunger na hindi ko nagawang maramdaman kanina dahil sa pagiging tutok sa trabaho.

I waved at the other nurses there. I ordered adobo flakes and rice for my dinner. I joined them and they continue talking about the children at PICU.

"'Yong anak nga raw no'ng Villaruel biglang nangailangan ng dugo buti na lang dumating si Nurse Montecillo, ayon naagapan!" I'm not deaf nor numb. Wala silang alam kaya nila nasasabi ito sa harap ko. Mas mabuti nang ganito kaysa naman tingnan nila ako gamit ang mga mata nilang puno ng awa.

Nang matapos sila ay umalis na rin sila. Tapos na rin ako pero hindi ako bumalik sa loob kasama nila. I need some air.

Naglakad ako papuntang rooftop ng building na ito. Napangiti ako sa ganda ng tanawin mula rito sa taas. Kita ko ang halos kalahati ng Metro Manila.

City lights…

Tumingala ako at pinagmasdan ang mga napakagandang bituin. Totoo nga bang nagiging butuin ang isang tao kapag nawala ito sa mundo? Kung ganoon ay sana nga para naman kahit papaano ay nakikita ko siya.

Nang makuha ko na ang nais ko ay nagdesisyon na akong bumalik na sa station. Ngunit tila hindi ako makagalaw nang makita kung sino ang nasa harap ko ngayon.

I was stunned for a moment. I don't know what or how should I react . I don't know what to do. Again, I was stunned.

"Still into city lights?" aniya. His voice still sounds the same but it doesn't feel the same anymore. Good thing isn't it?

Naglakad siya palapit saakin pero hindi pa rin ako gumalaw. I cleared my throat and answered his question. "No. Not anymore."

He faced me and looked at me with his weary eyes. I forced a smile. "Is your daughter okay?" I asked him. I'm an ER nurse so I don't have any time to check the children in PICU. Kung hindi nga lang nabanggit kanina sa hapag ay baka hindi ko rin malaman.

"She is. Thanks to Willy... I thought, he's mad at me." He chuckled.

I laughed, too. "He is. You know he won't involve a kid that is innocent,” I said.

He nodded.

Silence.

"I have to go. Mag ra-rounds pa ako, eh," I told him at saka siya tinalikuran. Ngunit nakakailang hakbang pa lang ako nang magsalita siyang muli.

"I'm so sorry..." he said. Even though I can't see his face alam kong sincere niyang sinabi iyon. That's one of his principles. To not say sorry unless you're really sorry.

Nilingon ko siya. Ang dalawang kamay niya ay nasa bulsa. Naglakad akong muli papalapit bago nagsalita. "People change, ika nga nila. And I realized that what would I get kung magagalit lang ako sayo, di ba? Napatawad na kita.. Noon pa." kasi wala naman akong choice kundi patawarin ka.

We finally separate, we are just fooling around thinking we had parted, yet our hearts dwells where we cowardly believed we had left.

His eyes are enough to tell me he's still there. Just like me, he's stuck. Paano ba dapat, Aro?

All these years, I tried living without you. Pinaniwala ko 'yong sarili ko na 'One day, babalikan ako ni Aro.' It was a long and tiring run but I still decided to continue running even though I can't see the finish line or kung meron nga ba akong patutunguhan.

The fact that I can't have you even when I was the one who have the right on you is killing me.

Kinuha ko ang kwintas sa bulsa ng uniform ko at nakangiti itong iniabot sakanya. Kita ko ang gulat sa mata niya kaya natawa ako. "I can't throw it," sambit ko. "Mali, eh. I decided not to throw anything. I packed it actually you can take them whenever you want to."

Gusto kong magalit sa mundo sa paulit-ulit at walang katapusang sakin na ibinibigay sa akin pero wala akong magawa kung hindi tanggapin na lang na baka hindi ka talaga para sa akin.

Hindi niya inaalis ang paningin sa kamay ko kung saan naroon ang kwintas kaya kinuha ko ang kamay niya at inilagay iyon doon. "It was nice seeing you again... I'll pray for your daughter's fast recovery," ani ko bago tumalikod at naglakad papalayo. I was about to enter the elevator when he grabbed my arm kaya muli akong napatingin sa kaniya.

"You take this. It was yours anyway. I gave it to you. Keep them at least for Adi and Calleigh," mahinang boses na aniya at inilagay ang kwintas sa may palad ko. "Your youth may fade away, but your smile will always remind me of that time I first saw you on that cloudy day in 2010," he said as tears fell into his eyes.