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8. Naptime
After the little chat I had with David I felt fear and hatred in me. These men were just as horrible as any other men close in my life. Beating me when I did not listen. Why do I need to listen to them? Who are they to order me around? Now I think of it, nobody has the right to order me around. Saying what I can or cannot do. It is my life.
But the longer I sat on his lap the more comfortable I got. His chest was warm and from time to time he stroked my hair and kissed my head. As he said to me earlier he cared about me, which was hard to believe. Nevertheless, it was a foreign feeling for me. People around me tend to not care about me. I remember my childhood and teenage years as being very lonely. People only talked to me when they needed me for their own selfish needs.
Having friends was a concept I was not familiar with. People
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Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 9. Home
I was happy. Days, no weeks, I had studied for this important test and it had paid of, all those hours of hard work, all those sleepless nights brought me to this moment. I was too eager to get home, I ran instead of walking. I couldn't wait to tell my parents the good news. They just had to be proud of me, right? Of course, I worked so hard and had a good grade. No an excellent grade. With that thought, I ran even faster.I arrived at my home and quickly put the key in the door and walked through the opening. Once inside I made a beeline to the living room. There I saw my mum and dad drinking their afternoon tea and coffee. Perfect both of them were home so I could share the good news at once."Mum! Dad! Look, Look!" I bounced up and down as I stood in front of them."Fleur! What did we tell you about your loud voice?!" My mother scolded me with a frown on her face"And what did we tel
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 10. Rule number ten
After I calmed down and the three of us filled our stomachs with lunch, Joon had left us again to go to his office to work. David had decided to take me again to the living room."Now that your tummy is all filled up with yummy food we can do something fun," David spoke to me in a baby voice. "So what do you want to do sweetie?" He looked at me, waiting for an answer.I just shrugged my shoulders. I really wasn't in the mood to do something 'fun'. I wasn't in the mood to do anything at all. I felt empty knowing that things wouldn't get better for me, only worse.Just like at home I wanted to curl in a corner and just listen to some music. I wished that I was invisible to them as well. Joon and David's attention was torturing me. I wanted to be left alone."How about some coloring?" I looked at my hands where those stupid mittens were still on and looked back at him."Are you serious? With these?" I asked while holding up my arms.&
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 11. Anger
As I woke up the next day I remembered how angry and upset I was last night when I was left alone in the crib. I was angry at them, my captors, and I was angry at myself for being so timid. I have made it too easy for them. I let them walk right over me. I barely made things hard for them. I felt like a doll, someone you can pick up and dress up however you want.My anger grew and grew while I was laying there by myself. All my pent-up frustration from over the years and these last two days were starting to blow up. I was seething. These men were horrible. I never asked for this. Right then I was ready, I was ready to show my anger and make things really difficult for them.But I doubted myself. I had never been angry or furious at someone. I feared that in the end, I would just submit to them because I didn't like conflicts or punishments. But I had every right to not co-operate with them.This made me wonder why I always listened to my parent
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 12. Summertime Sadness
I just laid there on the soft material of the playpen. I felt empty. The punishment wasn't bad. Although it did hurt. It was mentally more painful. It was the memories that came with it. The trauma that I felt.It reminded me of one specific memory, the summer when I was ten years old. All summer I was by myself because my parents and sister were busy with who knows what. I think they even went on vacation when they hired a nanny for me. I didn't even know the difference between them being away or staying at home.But all of a sudden my sister wanted to do something with me. I think my parents send her to me. In the hope that I wouldn't lose my social skills and so that my sister and I wouldn't get that estranged from each other. So when needed, my sister and I could get along when there were visitors in the house.I was playing in the backyard at the small lake we had for ourselves. I had seen some fish and they looked fun to play
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 13. Realization
More and more painful memories came to my mind. I felt horrible. I wanted to disappear, go away to a place far from here and from home. It was too much for me to process. Too much happened. I needed an out. I need a place away from it all. Away from these men, away from my toxic family. I wanted to crawl into the darkness and hide in there. So the light will never find me.I wanted someone around me who cared for me for the way I am and not for what they want me to be. Someone who liked me as a friend and loved me as a lover. Someone that can tell me everything is alright and I don't need to worry about anything.My time here with these men made me realize things I have never seen before.I realized that the way my family treated me was plain abuse. I should have left or spoken up to my family. Maybe if I wasn't so fixated on not starting any conflicts I wouldn't have been in this situation. I would be somewhere way nicer than over here. But I
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 14. Feelings and favourite songs
When I said my apology David smiled like crazy. Like it actually creeped me out. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and after him, Joon followed suit by giving me a kiss on the crown of my head. Right after their kisses, a wave of feelings hit me.One feeling was of fear, the fact that they were happy with me calling them 'dad' was wrong. Next to fear I felt sad for the fact that I just gave in, but also that I like their warmth, their affection. And the last feeling was of content, which was weird. Because laying there with my head on Joon's shoulder should be wrong. I couldn't feel this way but I still did.Another wave of self-hate went through me.I tried to push the self-hate away and closed my eyes to let the feeling of content dominate me. Right now I didn't want to feel sad or angry. I was tired and just wanted to be held. Was that so much to ask? Was that wrong to feel that way? I think so, but I pushed that feeling away, the feeling that I sh
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 15. Bath time
The next morning when I woke up I tried to convince myself that I should just give in so I got to gain their trust. But a part of me didn't like that idea. I was afraid I'd like it too much or that the two men would be more around me because I showed them I liked them. What they do is against the law and I shouldn't just give in this situation.But I saw yesterday that fighting them was impossible for me and very tiring. Wasting my energy was also not a great idea. I needed that energy for my escape. Why is this so difficult? Because you like their affection and comfort and therefore you're afraid you will like them, that's why, said a voice in my head. I didn't want to believe that it's true but it is. The main reason why I find this so difficult is because of my fear of liking them.So, what I'm going to do?Still, the theory of giving in and gaining their trust is one I haven't failed at until now and my other theory has. Gaining their trust
Forced To Become Someone Else's Fantasy 16. The Aftermath
With each piece of clothing they took from my body, it felt like a petal was ripped apart from its stem. Where each petal represented a piece of me, a piece of my soul. I felt vulnerable, I felt broken. Nothing was left in me because there was nothing to hold me together. By violating me like this I felt like there was nothing left to fight for. These men could do whatever they want. No amount of pushing, kicking, or yelling would keep them away from me.A flower without its stem is just a pile of loose petals left to go rotten. And when they took me from the nursery to the bathroom I saw that pile of petals laying down on the changing mat. The exact mat where I had to give up almost all of my dignity with my diaper changes. Almost all was gone but I had still that little bit of hope, which was now crushed, ripped apart. Caused by these evil men, by these devils who are guarding my personal hell.Silent tears streamed down my face. I didn't scream, nor cry,
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