"What will you give Eli for his birthday?"
I catch my roommate's gaze in the mirror before looking away. I know what I want to give Eli for his birthday. But I cannot tell her.
"You haven't gotten anything for him," she notes. "You're not going empty-handed, are you?"
I don't miss the accusing tone in Tori's voice. She probably has more to say but is holding back.
She has already bought him a present. I have no idea what it is, though. When she came back to the dorm with it, it was wrapped in gift paper and she maintained it was a secret.
"He did say we don't have to get him anything." I grab a scrunchie and tie one half of my curly hair at the back of my head.
"You can't be serious. The guy got you a box set of your favourite book series for your birthday. He only said that because he's sickening nice to you."
Tori is fond of reminding me of how Eli treats me sweetly. She also likes pointing out how blind I am to the fact that he likes me.
Elias is one of the first friends I made in campus. We got to know each other because he was friends with Tori, who has been my roommate since freshman year. But what made us grow closer is the fact that he's on the school football team while I'm a kinesiology major.
The football head coach is our exercise science professor, and he likes inviting the class to the field for practicals. We also have his classes in the Sports Complex, where gym facilities used by the school teams are located. Eli and I ran into each other many times and ended up becoming friends outside Tori's influence.
Am I blind to the fact that Eli likes me? That's impossible when the entire sports department 'ships' us together. As one of the popular guys in school, everybody is curious about who he's seeing. But since he broke up with his girlfriend from high school in freshman year, he has been single. We hang out a lot and many think we should 'date already'.
Besides public opinion about our relationship, Eli confessed to me. But even before he did, I knew. I would be lying if I said I didn't like him too.
It took a while to accept that what I felt for him was beyond friendship. After spending the past three years shielding my heart against romantic attachments successfully, my feelings came as a surprise.
I had known all along that he was special to me, and that's why we became fast friends. But me actually liking him enough to consider giving love another chance? That's another kind of special.
I tie the other half of my hair at the back of my head. "I have something planned for him."
"Really? What?"
"It's a secret." I ordered him a pair of cleats he has been coveting, but delivery has been delayed. Maybe they'll get here tomorrow. But that's not the only thing I have planned.
Tori rises from her bed and grabs her jacket. "I hope you're not lying. Let's go or we'll be late."
Eli's dorm is in campus, while we live about five minutes' walk from the school. As we walk towards his dorm building, there's an ongoing mantra in my mind:
It's tonight or never. Tonight or never. Tonight.
Tonight, I'm going to let go of what's holding me back and give Eli a chance.
Tonight, I'll let him go.
I've waited long enough. I've hurt enough. I need to get out of my mind and live my life.
When we get to Eli's dorm building, we head to the common room. While his dorm room is much more spacious than that of other students—a perk all members of the school's sports teams get—it's not enough to accommodate the party. Eli is the starting forward of the school football team and undoubtedly the most popular player. Not only are his teammates going to be here, but crowds of admirers too.
We walk into an already busy room, with party music booming.
Tori squeals and bounces on her feet. "This is gonna be good!"
I look around, my eyes searching for a familiar face.
"Eli!" Tori yells and shoots forward.
I notice him then. A small smile covers my face as our eyes meet over Tori's head—she has rushed straight into his arms, hugging him.
I look away, suddenly shy. Out of the blue, my stomach is crawling with butterflies.
"Happy birthday!" Tori says excitedly as she lets him go. "Here!"
Eli accepts the wrapped gift with a raised brow. "What is this?"
"It's a surprise."
He chuckles. "Okay, I'll look at it later." His eyes rise to me. "Jo, are you going to just stand there?"
I approach, and he puts his arms out to pull me into a hug. I go willingly—excitedly—and press myself to him. He's tall and his chest is wide, and hugging him is one of my favourite things. He's so warm and cosy.
Someone comes calling his name and we pull apart.
"I've gotta go, but I'll find you later. Have fun."
I nod, and he walks away towards his friend.
"I'll get us drinks," Tori says and disappears.
I sigh and discreetly press an open palm to my chest. My heart is wilding out. Could he feel it?
"Fuck him already."
I startle and turn to the newcomer. It's Simon. I roll my eyes and elbow his side. "Shut up."
One of his arms rests on my shoulder. "No, but seriously. You've been ogling him since forever."
"Not true."
"Blah. Blah."
Tori reappears with two cans of beer in her hands. She hands one to me. "Hello, Simon."
He nods. "Tori."
She hooks her thumb over her shoulder. "I'll be with Kelly and the girls over there."
I snap the beer can open and take a gulp after she's gone. Only after I'm done do I notice the look Simon is giving me. "What?"
"Am I missing something?"
"Like what?"
"Why are you drinking so easily? I usually have to wrestle you to get you to take a sip."
I shrug. "This one barely has alcohol in it."
"You still always chose Sprite over it."
I want him to let it go, but he doesn't look about to. Knowing him, he has probably picked up on something. Whenever I'm busy hiding things from others, he always figures me out. I guess that's what best friends are for.
He slips his hands into his jeans' pockets and rocks on his sneakers. "You'll need something stronger than that if you're looking for liquid courage."
I swallow and stare at the floor. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Let's not fool each other. Come."
He grabs my hand and brings me with him. He leads me through the living area to the kitchen. There are kids everywhere. We come to a stop in front of a large collection of alcohol on the kitchen island.
"Now, look. I don't advise being drunk your first time. Knowing him, he'll not touch you in that state."
My eyes grow into saucepans. "Simon!"
"I'm right, aren't I?"
I groan and stare at the ceiling. "Yeah."
I don't know why I thought for a second that I could hide it from Simon. I've joked numerous times that I would go to him for advice when I finally decided to have sex, but when the moment came, I became too embarrassed. I was only going to mention it after the deed.
Now that he knows, I guess I can take advantage of his extensive knowledge.
I'm suddenly engulfed in a hug. His cologne assaults my senses. "Finally! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?"
"Me to have sex?"
"No... I mean yes." He laughs.
I push him away. "You're shameless."
He arches an eyebrow. "You getting to this point means you're finally ready to be happy again."
His words tug at a spot in my heart. "I'm happy."
He gives me a soft smile. "You know what I mean."
I nod. Yes, I do.
He rubs his palms together and turns to the collection of alcohol. "Okay. The secret is not having too much. You want to be excited but not drunk out of your mind."
I guess I'm really doing this.
"Do you want to leave? I can walk you to your place."I shake my head. "No, I don't want to go anywhere."A small crease forms on Eli's brow as he gives me a scrutinizing glance. "Okay."I smile and hold his hand tighter. It's sometime after midnight. Parties are not my favourite scene and when I have to attend one, I don't stay around until this late. It's no surprise he's wondering why I'm in no hurry to leave. We're sitting on one of the couches, watching a drinking game some kids are having. I was sitting on my own when he noticed me and came over. A few seconds after he did, I reached out my hand to trace patterns on the back of his. When he entwined our fingers, I accepted his grip wholeheartedly.He covers a yawn with the back of his hand. "Will I be a bad host if I leave now? I'm honestly tired.""No. You should sleep early. They're fine having fun by themselves."While I say that calmly, my heart is rioting. He does look tired. Should I leave him be? Should I go back to my
"Elias Kim?"He hasn't seen me yet.I'm glued to the floor when all I want to do is disappear.Am I dreaming?Hallucinating, maybe?Eli bends to grasp the handle of the suitcase standing between them. "That's me. But you can call me Eli."Jude looks up over him, and his eyes finally find me.Eli straightens and pulls the luggage into the room. "Come in."The paper in my hands crinkles noisily as my fingers close over it.Eli says something, but I don't hear a word.Jude doesn't move an inch past the threshold. His blue eyes bore into me, surprise evident on his face.Surprise? More like shock.Something pokes my arm.Then a hand waves in front of my face.I snap my eyes from Jude to find Eli trying to gain my attention.He gives me a confused look. "Jo?"I suck in a deep breath and drop the paper to the floor. "Bathroom. I need to use the bathroom."I feel Jude's eyes on me as I close the distance to the bathroom—which is, in this situation, so inconveniently close to the front door.
"Where have you been?"I close the door behind me and remove my shoes. Tori watches me as I walk into the apartment. She's sitting on the couch, hair in rollers while she paints her toenails. What's the occasion?"Simon's.""Is that where you spent the night?""No." I notice a parcel lying on the coffee table and hurry to it. "Is this mine?""Yeah. It was delivered this morning."I tear the wrapper to reveal an Adidas shoebox. Finally, Eli's birthday gift is here.Now all I have to do is give it to him..."Whose shirt is that?" she asks, eyes narrowing at the said clothing.I cradle the box under my arm and head to my room. "Eli's."She doesn't say anything else until I'm at my door. "Have you met his roommate?"My hand closes around the door handle. "No. Have you?""I'm about to."I whirl around. "What?""I'm going with Eli to show him around campus."Why am I not invited?Do I want to be invited?"Is that why you are..." I trail off, gesturing to her hair.She pauses painting her na
"Anyone fancy a cold drink? I'm parched."We've just come to the football pitch after completing our tour of the Sports Complex. It's been a kind of awkward tour. Tori is still fuming because of God knows what, and I'm trying to avoid any type of interaction with Jude. He might say something that makes me snap and blows our cover."Sounds great!" I agree with Eli, turning to him. I can go with him to get them and escape this suffocating situation for a few minutes.He's looking at Tori. "Tori? Want to go with me?"No way! If they leave, I'll be left with Jude alone!I step closer to Eli and grab his arm. "I'll come with you."His dark eyes shift from Tori to me. He leans in and whispers. "She has been down all afternoon. I want to talk to her while we get drinks."I deflate. The two are childhood best friends, so Eli must be bothered about her low mood. And, after her reaction about us not telling her we are together, she must be mad at him. So mad that she hasn't put much effort into
I have trouble falling asleep. It's impossible to when my mind is a jumble of confusing thoughts.If what Jude said is true—and there doesn't seem to be much doubt that it is—that means everything I've felt these past three years on account of him has been baseless. Misplaced anger, hope, and hurt.I still can't wrap my head around why Cole would refuse to tell me that Jude communicated. If I could, I would call him right now to hear it straight from him. But I have to wait until tomorrow if I want to talk to him.Jude never went silent on me.He never broke his promise.This is all sinking in now and I don't know how to feel about it.For an entire year, he didn't give up on us.I don't want to imagine what he thought or felt when Cole told him I didn't want to speak to him. His earlier attitude towards me is an indication, though.While I thought he betrayed me, he was thinking the same about me.God, what a mess.I take out my phone and text Simon.Me, 9.42pm: Jude never went silent
Eli opens the door to his dorm room while I stand beside him, fingers nervously tapping on my bag strap.We've just come from the field. Practice lasted two hours. Jude went straight to the offices to finish up some registration stuff. Eli doesn't have a class until eleven o'clock, and I have an hour before my next schedule at the sports complex.He pushes the door open and lets me walk in before coming in after me. I take off my shoes and walk further into the room, my mind taking me back to the last time I was here. There's a soft thud on the floor, then Eli's hand wraps around my arm. He pulls and turns me around, bringing me to him. Before I can react, he dips his head and kisses me.His lips are firm and urgent on mine. Before long, I find myself digging my fingers into his arms, getting closer to him.When we break apart, his thumb caresses my cheek. "It feels like it's been forever since I had you alone."I chuckle. "True." I feel the same way too. A lot has happened since yes
We arrive at Upperhill Prison a few minutes after two o'clock.After parking at the visitors' lot, Jude and I head over to check-in. Once we're done with everything, we are led into the visiting room. We take our seats and wait for Cole to show up.The last time I was here, I was alone. As I am most times, other than for the few times I came together with Jax. In the two years Cole has been here, Nicki has never visited. As for Simon, Cole would be the last person he wants to see right now. Or ever.Anyway, I never would have thought I would ever be visiting him with Jude.I gaze around the room. There are other inmates already seated with their visitors. The one closest to us is a man who's being visited by a woman and a boy who looks about ten and resembles him. He looks happy to be with his family. I wonder whether Cole will be thrilled about us showing up like this."There he is," Jude's voice draws me from my observation of our surroundings.I look towards the entrance and sure e
I unwrap his fingers from around my hand and step away before turning to look at him. "Stop, Jude. We are history. And I have a boyfriend now."His blue eyes bore into me. "You having a boyfriend is not going to keep me away." He takes a step towards me, to which I respond by stepping back farther. He narrows his eyes. "We never broke up, you know."I gape at him. Is he serious?"So no, we are not history," he continues.I fold my arms around my middle and gaze up at him. "It's been three years—""It's been a misunderstanding," he interrupts me. "And it's solved now."I look away, chewing on my lip. I can't handle this right now. First, I need to get to work on time. Then, I need to think of a way to tell Eli about all this. Until then, I don't want to have this conversation with Jude. I reach for the car door and pull it open. "Let's go back.""I came here because of you," he says.That stops me in my tracks. I turn to look at him again, a frown forming on my face. "What?""You're th