Chapter Three

The days of my life began to trickle into one after that day. I couldn’t tell where one day ended and the other started. My mind was plagued with his memories, after Dimetrius told me they were preparing to have me married I could only think of how he would react. Everywhere I went something or someone reminded me of him.

One day I wandered out past the city gates and down a soft dirt track. The farms were up ahead of me, so I walked a little quicker. I took comfort in the amount of people or things that allow me to stay within reality.  I continued to wander down the road, slowly the dirt track morphed more into just a track leading across some hills and towards the black forest. Although usually a scary place to be, something drew me towards to the dark and dreary place. I pushed on through following the path that was slowly diminishing into pressed down grass that probably hasn’t been disturbed in years. I trailed my hands over the low shrubbery as I walked further into the darkness. This was so unlike me, but I couldn’t stop it was like I was being pulled to something I didn’t know was there. There were no critters around where I was, this forest was completely still besides for me. As I edged deeper I could start to hear the sound of running water. I followed it as best I could, and sure enough I ended up down near a river.

I pulled my coat out of my backpack and placed it on the ground to sit on, I could still feel the small amounts of winter frost seep through. I watched the water, I envied it. It was so simple what it had to do. It just had to flow. It followed the path the river bed made for it, and it flowed. I wished my life was that simple. My path never guided me in the right place before. I always seemed to stuff it up, like I would be looking in one direction yet still walk another. I always did that. With family, friends, men. Mostly men. All of a sudden, I didn’t like this river anymore, I didn’t want to be here. Memories.

I started to remember a night I was out picking herbs, it wasn’t long after I had first met him, I didn’t know much about him. Except the fact he really didn’t like me. He wasn’t like the other men in the city, he didn’t see me the same as they did. I wasn’t ever really sure why this was, nor was I positive if I like it. I had gone out that night with one of my male friends, he didn’t have a very good reputation with women though it hadn’t stopped me before. I remembered the way I was, and I didn’t like it now but I didn’t care then. I only wanted one thing. If men could view women like that, why could I view men the same? What made it so horrible that if they could go out and coerce whoever they wanted and be seen as manly and to be a hero amongst their fellow lads. Why couldn’t I go out and seduce whoever I wanted, for whatever purpose I wanted? Simple, when I did it I was a whore. When they did it, they had gained respect. Pathetic. I hated men for that very reason, so I used them before they could use me.

I remembered that this actual time I had actually gone out with innocent intentions, I had to pick some more herbs and my friend was always good company. We were strolling through a park, right by the riverbed. The herbs I was after grew just on the edge. Not long into picking the herbs, the conversation died down, which was unusual but I thought he might have been preoccupied mentally. As I turned around I was shocked to see how close he was too me. Usually I am all for close contact, but there was a look in his eyes I had never seen before. I suddenly didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I turned away and walked a few steps, I heard him come up behind me and then felt his hand run down my back.

“What are you doing?” I heard myself say.

“Exactly what we should be doing, don’t deny the fact we want each other. Why else did you invite me out at night to an empty park?’

“I didn’t invite you out with any intention of that, it gets lonely. We are friends I wanted company. That’s all” I was shocked, this isn’t usually how I responded to men. I was frightened.

I felt his hand run back up my back and rest on my dresses strap, his fingers wrapped around it. I stood still, frozen. I didn’t know what to do or what to say to him.

“That’s more like it, I knew it was what you wanted”

I cringed as his hand slipped my strap off my shoulder, revealing my bare chest to him. His hand began to move further down my chest before he grabbed hold of me and drew me near again. I stiffened, I knew straight away I didn’t want this, but all I knew was how to seduce men. I never had wanted to turn them down before.  All of a sudden everything becomes a blur, a creature of some sort. A man or animal I couldn’t make out is right in front of us. I grab for my dress, but realize its already been pulled back up. I try desperately to figure out what is going on then all I hear is a male voice turn to me.

“Can I drown him?” I blinked with surprise, I knew this man.

I just stood frozen, my “friend” ran off into the distance and I stood there, still in shock.

“What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you say no?”

I blinked again before answering, struggling to find my voice.

“Because I wanted it” I caught myself saying, he would know that I truly meant I had brought it all upon myself. All my previous actions.

“You sure didn’t look like you wanted it”

“How would you know? I doubt you have seen a woman at all in your life”

He rolled his eyes.

“Fine, next time you want to get freaky in the river. Make sure no one is around to get the wrong idea by your stiff body language, and look of fear in your eyes”

 As soon as he had arrived, he was gone. Stunned. What was he doing there? Why did he care?

As I continued to question myself I got wrenched out of my memory by a noise. I glanced around blinking my eyes to try and focus. I must have shut them when I started replaying my memories again. I couldn’t make out anything in the darkness, I wonder what time it is now. Not wanting to stay around and find out what it was I heard I picked myself up from the ground and grabbed my coat. I slowly began to walk back out the way I came, though I wasn’t entirely sure if I was going the right way or not.

I felt like I had been walking for over an hour, I couldn’t remember how long I had walked in the first place to get to the river. I could finally start to see a break amongst the shrubbery up ahead. I headed towards it, I started to pick up my pace. The darkness was starting to play on my mind. As I walked out of the break, I had no idea where I was. I saw what looked like a road down to the north, so I headed towards it. It didn’t take long to get down to the road with my faster pace, I didn’t realise I was almost running until I collided into Alessandra.

“Oof” I let out as I fell down to the ground, taking her down with me.

“I'm so sorry, I didn’t see you there” I picked myself up off the ground and put my hand out to help her up too.

With a giggle, Alessandra brushed herself off. “That’s alright, what I get for walking out a door without looking. You were running pretty fast, everything ok?”

“Sorry, everything is fine. Just an interesting day”

“Well in that case, how about you come over to my house and tell me all about it over a cup of tea?”

I sighed, last thing I wanted to do was relive my memories though speech, but Alessandra was always so sweet. I couldn’t exactly say no.

“Sure! Sounds like a plan”

Alessandra grabbed hold of my hand in a flash and began pulling me along behind her.

“Its been so long since you have been over. Maybe we are starting to get the old you back!”

I pulled a face, but she couldn’t see it. I didn’t want to be the old me. The old me loved Abran. The old me got hurt. No, I definitely didn’t want to be the old me.

It didn’t take long to get to Alessandra’s house, I could smell whatever she was cooking from the end of the path.

“Mmmm, what are you cooking? It smells fantastic!”

“It’s a family recipe, it’s a vegetable and meat stew. Want to stay for dinner?”

I sighed.

“What’s wrong? Amelia?” Alessandra was overreacting.

“Nothing, I'm fine” I lied.

“I don’t believe that for a second. Inside, we are talking”

She dragged me in the door and slammed it behind her, she didn’t release my hand as she stormed into her lounge room and pointed at the chair beside the fire.

“Sit there, I’ll grab us a bowl each and a drink, from your reaction I better scratch the tea and make it a strong one”

She disappeared into the kitchen and I sat there, staring at the flames. Memories again.

“Follow me”

I nodded my head and walked after him. His pace surprised me. We walked towards the mountains, up the hill and into the sacred cave. I didn’t question where we were going, I just followed. As we reached the end of the cave his pace slowed, allowing me to catch my breath. He turned to face me and reached out his hand. I hesitantly took it as he drew me near.

I remembered his scent, the coarse yet, fine feel of his hand. I looked up as he reached back and pushed on the wall. We spun around so rapidly if I had blinked I would have missed it.

“Where are we?” I asked with a shocked expression.

“It’s a secret place. No one will interrupt us here”

He let go of my hand and began walking down the hallway. I had to practically run to catch up. He had the torch and I hated the dark. I quickly caught up to where he was and stepped back into line behind him. He was so silent and I had so many questions. He stopped suddenly and I ran into the back of him.

“Sorry” I muttered,

He nodded his head and walked around the room lighting torched that had been attached to the walls, before pushing on the wall again. This time a large boulder rolled into place of the opening we had just walked through. He pointed towards a pair of chairs as he sat down in one.

“No one can hear us, or find us here. We can talk freely”

If anyone didn’t know Abran, they might be wary of this situation but I didn’t think twice. I walked towards the chair and sat down.

“What’s this all about?” I asked

“I wanted to talk to you, is that a problem?”

“You don’t usually like to talk to me in a secluded place. People get the wrong idea, your words”

“That was then, this is now. People change you of all people should know that”

I rolled my eyes, to most that would seem a compliment but to me I knew it was an insult.

“Good to see your reactions haven’t changed in the slightest” He said with a smirk.

Changing the topic, I asked, “So, what do you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to talk about ‘us, the things that are going on here”

“Go ahead then”

“Why me Amelia? What on earth has made you want to be with me? You hate me remember! Not to mention, I’m not nice to you. I’m controlling, I’m rude, I say what I think no matter how it would affect you”

I nodded my head, “I don’t hate you, but you are all those things. I guess that’s what attracts me to you. You do say what you think, and you are one of the reasons I changed how I acted. I don’t like how I was viewed most especially not how I was viewed by you”

“Why would you change yourself for someone else? Not for your own reasons”

I knew he wouldn’t have liked that, he hates being the reason for anything. He seems to feel guilty.

“They were for my own reasons, but sometimes you need an outside opinion”

He rolled his eyes, “Ok then, why would I want to be in a relationship with you?”

I blinked, he was always good on putting me on the spot like that. Too bad it was never for the right reasons.

“Only you can answer that, my answer would obviously be bias”

He nodded his head, “I am still trying to come up with a reason. People are going to say things. Things about your past, about who I am as a person, and probably the fact that I must have changed and lowered my morals”

I looked at him with a pure look of shock. Is that still how he saw me? A low set to his morals? I was furious and he could see that.

“Something wrong?” he had the nerve to ask.

“Something wrong, something wrong? Of course, there is something wrong! I am not a drop-in morals. Back then maybe, but not now! I have changed and the people in our city know that. I got elected into council and I am holding that position. I am running the city supply shop. If people still viewed me the way I used to be, I wouldn’t be in the positions that I am!”

My heart was racing, I was shaking. Why do I care about someone who refuses to see me as anything but a useless whore? Why the hell is he smiling at me!

“What are you smiling about? This isn’t funny”

“I am smiling because that’s what I needed to hear. If I can see you believe and stand up for yourself. So can I.”

“What?!?” I exclaimed, “That doesn’t make any sense!”

“I thought it made perfect sense, I am willing to give us a go, to try and make this work. If you can stand up against someone you care about and defend yourself against their supposed opinion. I can stand up for you.”

I was stunned, did he just say what I think he did? I watched him walk towards me and place his hand on my shoulder.

“Amelia, Amelia! What on earth is going on?” Alessandra shook me violently.

“What? Oh sorry, I must of just drifted off”

She sighed with relief, as she turned around and handed me a bowl of stew and a goblet of wine.

“Right, eat up and start talking”

“Okay” I said as I nodded, I took two big spoonfuls of stew and a gulp of wine.

“Wow, is it that bad?”

I nodded my head at her and began, “The other week I was out checking the comm. prices, and you’ll never guess who I --” I was interrupted by a knock at the door.

I looked towards the entrance half of the house then back to Alessandra. She jumped up.

“Just a second, let me get that”

I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway and unlock the door.

“Abran! You came! It has been soo long! Guess who else is here! I ran into her out at the shop just out of town. She seems upset about something though, maybe you can cheer her up?”

I felt my stomach turn, that stew wasn’t going to stay down long by the feel of things. I heard Alessandra’s footsteps coming down the hallway again, followed by him. I took another big gulp of wine and braced myself for the inevitable.