Unsurprisingly, nothing can steady the butterflies in my belly and the heady feeling that kiss left me with until this morning. I have to admit that after getting on my bed, I couldn’t stop reliving that kiss over and over again, even my dream. Hence my good mood though I didn’t sleep that long.
Or, that well. Wink!His kiss, oh my God, his kiss was soooo good I can still taste it on my lips. How Nate stirred my feelings with only his tongue. I cannot imagine what will happen to me if we ever go further than that. I will be doomed, of that I’m sure.But, it will be a good way to go, right? To die in the arms of your loved ones. To die in pleasure. To die in love.Ah, in love.I can’t wait to–“Bug, wake up! I brought your joe and cupcakes!”Yummy! There's coffee! And ...Wait, what?Isn’t that Adrian’s voice? He is in my apartment? Why is he in my apartment? What did he just say? Joe? Cupcakes?Wait, wait, wait. Cupcakes. Cupcakes!“Coming!” I shout from behind my bedroom door.Half confuse but overcome with excitement, I hurriedly slip my college sweatshirt above my tank top and get out of my room.Adrian is selecting ESPN while parking his hulking body on the couch across the TV. Hearing my steps, he glances back at my direction. “Come sit. Have a breakfast with me.” He pats the space beside him.I obey my older and much bigger brother’s wish and sit beside him because of one reason only. “Cupcakes, you say?”It’s nine in the morning, on a Sunday, when my perfectionist older brother usually use this time to rest before his crazy week start again. But, now, here he is, in my apartment, on my couch sipping coffee and watching TV, a dozen of cupcakes ready on the coffee table. “What’s wrong?” I ask him with furrowed brow, confuse and suspicious of his sudden appearance.“Nothing,” he answers, acting nonchalant. “Can’t brothers have a breakfast with their lovely sister once in a while?”I don't answer him.Adrian exhales at my narrowed eyes. “Just eat, bug. Here.” He hands me a triple chocolate cupcake, my kryptonite.I surrender. “Okay, then.” I take my first bite and everything is right again.We sits in silence with Adrian watching the sport and me devouring my treat while checking feeds on twitter. I’m on my second cupcake when he mutes the TV and turn to face me. “So ...”So, there is a reason.“Out with it,” I demand without looking up from my phone. I know he have a motive. Nothing more important than structure in Adrian’s world.“About your date last night.”My eyes flies to Adrian’s uncomfortable face. “Lincoln told you, didn’t he?”Sensing, or more like seeing, my change of mood, he tries another approach. “Tell me about him.”I cross my arms across my chest, suddenly feeling defensive. “There’s nothing to tell,” I reply curtly, clearly annoyed. I cannot believe Lincoln told Adrian about Nate and my DATE? There wasn’t a date, and if there was, why did he care? Who did he think he is, spying on my personal issues and gossiped it to Adrian?I tell Ad this much.He chuckles. “Come on, bug, we don’t gossip.”“That’s not the point, Ad,” I quip back. “I’m twenty four, I’m building my own career. I’m sure I can look after myself. Tell him to back off.”Adrian clears his throat. “Look, Bug, I know you’re upset, but believe me, Linc’s intention was good. And still is. He just wanted to look out for you.” He moves his body so we are face to face. “Let’s see it this way. I’m your brother and he’s my best friend. So it makes him undirectly your other older brother. And that was Linc doing his job. Heck, I’m doing it myself right now. Checking in on you.”What in the world is he talking about?“No, Adrian Leonard Jackson,” I growl and stare dagger at him, “He don’t get the title just because he’s your best friend. To me, he’s a stranger with a familiar face. I don’t even know a thing about him beside his asshole-ish tendency when he manhadled me to his car a few nights ago. He. Manhandled. Me, Ad, just because I went to Stewart’s alone pretty late. But, that wasn’t an excuse. And if he’s going to be a grumpy tattle-tale, well ....” I don’t finish my sentence and shrug. I’d like for my brother to complete that based on the look on my face.Adrian shakes his head and exhales. He leans down, both arms on his knees. With that he says, “Bug, you don’t understand.”I wait for his explanation. He gave me nothing. “What, Ad?” I challenge. “Tell me what I supposedly don’t understand so I can understand.”Another exhale. With puffy cheeks Adrian exhales hard enough to blow thirty candles off in one try. I eye my brother, secretly hoping I had a degree in reading human expression. Or, that I can read minds like those super human in movies so I know what is going on in his head.Adrian runs his fingers through his mane of hair a shade lighter than mine. He tugs at the roots. And he's huffing again. His eyes keeps glancing at me .I watch him like a hawk. I know he is considering something in his head but I don’t know what. And I really want to know. So I suppress all of my emotions and wait for him.He looks at me in the eyes, and there are so much emotions alternating in his. Guilt, shame, proud and ... amusement?Why is he feeling amuse? What does he find amusing?He shakes his head as a smile forms in his lips. I feel my brows furrowing a little more deeper on my forehead. At that, Adrian chuckles. “I gotta go,” he broadcasts. “See ya at dinner, Bug.” Adrian kisses my hair and stands. His Nikes covered feet silently walk through my apartment to the door.What the heck, Ad?I repeatedly curse him in my head. How can I not? He left me with a muddled mind and ten cupcakes on the coffee table.Well, at least there’s cupcakes. And, oh, my caramel macchiato, too!****My confusion and anger comes to the surface again right after I finish one more cupcake and my caramel macchiato. Don’t laugh. It’s like my body knows what I need so it urged me to feed on some energy before prosecuting what my heart want. Probably twenty minutes behind Adrian’s departure, I put the remaining cupcakes in the fridge and head straight to shower. I have one mission and I want to get my hand on it as fast as I can. I cannot wait to tell Lincoln what’s on my mind. I cannot wait to tell him to shove his unneeded judgement to where the sun don’t shine. An hour later—God, I hate driving in this city—I charge into Stewart’s, having no care about the closed sign on the door. I know he is here. He must be. There’s no other place Lincoln will be but here.The brightly lit room welcomes me. But the broody butthole behind the bar? Not so much. Lincoln stares me down like he doesn’t have any idea what I am doing here. Well, maybe he doesn’t, but it is just because he didn’t kno
I drive home in a daze, my mind keeps replaying Lincoln’s sad eyes. And each time, the feeling in my stomach worsen. Now after everything was out, I begin to think that maybe I over-reacted. Maybe Lincoln was just looking out for me. Maybe he thought of me as his little sister he should protect. Maybe Adrian was right. Oh, God ....But, no! He doesn't deserve my guilt. After ... after that, he doesn't deserve anything from me.Damn it! Why do I have this conflicting feelings?I bang my head to the headrest, hoping the hurt will distract me from this gnawing feeling I feel within. I couldn’t find any satisfaction I thought I would feel. When everything is said and done, what was left is–A vibrating sound interrupts my train of thoughts. I glance at the lit up screen before turn left and lead my car to the assigned parking lot. I unlock my phone.Nate : wanna hangout tonight?Joy instantly kicks the worry out of my head and fulfills the space inside the car. My heart begins to race in
I wonder how many times a heart can break until it could not be repair again.I got my first hit today. It was when the only girl I ever loved told me I didn’t have any say in her business. She told me to stay away from her life. She told me to stay away from her. Believe me I tried. I really did. Beside, at that time, I didn’t want to have an intimate meeting with Adrian’s right hook. He has a mean one, even back then. But, this wasn’t a problem anymore. Nothing get past my best friend. He was—and still is—observant to a fault. I still remember the day when he outed me. I chuckles to the thought. Fuck, did I really think I could hide something this big from him? That night freshmen year in college, we were at a beach. Although we were new, we always got invited to any upperclassmen parties because of his and my dad’s names. Adrian was making the best out of it. Me? Nah. I was busy pining a certain brunette back at home. “The fuck, Bro?” drawls Adrian. He is pissed drunk. “Yeah,
“And then he was grabing my hair. And ... and ... he cupped my face. He kissed my jaw, my ear, my neck. I lose my grip in reality because of his touch. Oh ... my ... God.” I suddenly sit up. “We kissed in the middle of Gonner's crowded dance floor. I can’t believe I did that!"My Korean face mask plops down on my lap like a used wet tissue because of my sudden movement. I pick it up and resume my position beside Mo, mindlessly putting the mask back on my face again. It’s okay, five minutes rule apply to face mask too.I continue my story. “But that kiss, that kiss, Mo ... hands down. It was the. Best. Kiss. I’ve. Ever. Had. In. My. Life! It’s like he took some classes for mastering the artrt of kissing somewhere. Or maybe he was just had a lot, I mean, practice. But, I don’t care. I was the one he was kissing last night. I hope I will be the one in the future too,” I describe everything that happened last night until I am out of breath and out off my mind thinking about Nate’s lips on
I hope to heaven my Lyft will be the only thing canceled this afternoon. I order a new one and enter Adrian’s address. Then I can’t call Nate’s number fast enough. Looking at the clock on the screen, I see it’s just three twenty nine. He shouldn’t be on his way to Stewart’s right now.Fingers crossed I don’t have to let my kiss go. Please, please, please, pick up, pick up, my heart chants as the call connects. Nate picks on the third ring. “Bryanna?”“Yes, it’s Bryanna,” I confirm. Who would have thought answering a phone call with question will be a trend today? “Eh, sorry.” He chuckles. “I didn’t expect your call.”“Yeah, me too.” I curse Adrian in my mind. “But my brother just called. He went out of the country and asked me to dogwatch. So ....” I trail off, not sure how to say what’s on my mind.“So what, Beautiful?”“Hm, so ... if you don’t mind, would you like to come to his apartment instead of meeting me atStewart’s? I have to stay there because my building didn’t allow pet.
Detaching his lips, Nate says, “I waited all day to do that.”“Yeah?” My voice is hoarse from the kiss.He kisses me again as an answer.We do this for awhile, a long while, and I still could do it longer if not for the fact that we need to breathe. Drawing out, I inhale deeply before starting another round. Kissing him is officially my number one favorite activity to do right now.I can feel his lips twitch with his usual cocky smirk and taste the satisfaction in his tongue. He likes the way I reacted to his kiss. He likes it that I like his touch. “Nate,” I moan his name.He chuckles. “What do you want, Beautiful?” He asks on my lips.I want you. I want you so bad. I want you, like, yesterday. But, I couldn’t say that out loud. I recall one of Morwenna’s advice she deemed is the keys to a successful dating. ‘Push and pull, Bry. Know when to push and how to pull. The art of this push and pull is what will lure him. And remember, don’t show all your cards.’Well, it’s too late to hide
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I roar. I fucking roar like a lion at the scene in front of me. My blood is boiling. My heart feels like it would bursts out of my fucking chest. I can’t even, fuck! Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck!I clench my fists so damn hard I’m sure it’ll bleed soon if they don’t fucking stop. They should have stopped, like five seconds ago. Or, my fisted hands won’t be the only thing bleeding ....That fucking asshole is shirtless, hovering above Bryanna while he fucking devours her like a starving mad man. His lips on hers, his hands, fuck, I don’t want to think about where his hand was, still is, but ...."Fuck!"My booming voice finally, fucking finally, stops them and prevents them from mauling each other any further. He looks up, as Bryanna turns her head so she can see me standing here fucking fuming. “Lincoln, what are you doing here?” she rasps, wide-eyed, scrambling to sit and fix her half ridden shirt.I look at her and catalogue her state: tousled hair, flushed
So, some of you might say that I’m a fool. Others might think I’m crazy. You know what? I think of myself as both: I am a fool and I am crazy.I am a fool to be in love with a girl who not only didn’t know I love her, but also pretty much on the way of loving someone else. I am crazy to keep pining on her eventhough this feeling is most likely never to be reciprocated.In his song, Mokita said he needed to know that he didn’t fall in love alone this time. Well, whoever you are, tell him a good luck from me. Because, here, I already know that I’ve fallen in love alone, all this time.I knew it and I couldn’t stop.I knew why and I won't stop.That’s the thing about love.It didn’t have a switch. You love when you love. You can’t turn it on, or off, anytime you want. Or, in my case, when I discovered that there’d be no love between us, as she said to my face.Sad? Yes.Pathetic? Absolutely.But, what can I say? What can I do? Nothing.Beside ....“Wanna play truth or dare, Je?” I ask the