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34: Regrets
Exams are over and everyone gets to go home for the holiday. The excitement in the air is foreign to me. Try as I might, my emotions merely rotate between frustration and despair.
As I stare at the living room, my eyes sweeping across the objects that fill it up before they rest on Diamond's door, all I can feel is regret. I never should've been ignorant of Diamond's plight. I should have done better. Not only that, but I never should've deluded myself into thinking my story with Eric will be like a fairytale — a dream come true. Likewise, I never should've disregarded my virginity and given it up to a guy who was so confused that he never really cared.
A door clicks open, and I turn to see Amanda coming out of her room, her big travelling bag in one hand. The both of us decided to leave a week after exams — which is today. The one-week delay was so we'd put our things in order.
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Finding Us 35: Busted
A few days later, I get a call from Diamond's older brother. A witness finally stepped up to attest to Charles killing Diamond. Her brother goes on to thank me for helping out, and I let him know I didn't do anything, to which he thinks otherwise.Even though I wish I could have done better while Diamond was alive, I'm glad that Charles is behind bars and hopefully, will get the punishment he deserves.Later that day, I call to inform Annie and Amanda, who are both happy to hear the news.***My siblings are finally on holiday, so we're all watching a movie in the living room.A knock on the gate prompts Joy and me to exchange a questioning look.“Maybe it's Oluchi or Tayo,” Joy says and gets up to go check.
Finding Us 36: The truth that terrifies
My dad drills a hole through my forehead with his intense glare. Although Mom assured me he won't kill me, I'm hoping that also applies to looks because this one seems to be a killer.“What did I tell you when you went to school?” he finally replies all my rambling. “I said, focus on your books. Don't let anything distract you.”“I tried my best.”“Obviously, your best wasn't enough.”“I'm sorry,” I mumble.He's quiet. Says nothing. Makes the air feel like glass that'll shatter at the slightest squeak. When he finally speaks, I hear that glass crash.“We're bringing that sewing machine back home before school resumes. It's that thing that's causing you to lose focus.”My head whips up. “Dad, no.”“No what? I gave you that machine, so it can help you financially; instead, you focused all your attention on it and left your books.”“Ca
Finding Us 37: What he wants
“Big sis,” Joy says at my door.I look up from my phone.“Daddy's calling you.”“Why?”She shrugs. “I don't know. He just said I should call you.”“Is mommy there?”“Yes.”I wonder what he wants to talk to me about. “Okay, I'm coming.”Joy leaves while I wear my kimono over my nightie and keep my phone on my table.The sound of the TV is all I hear as I approach the living room and my heart begins to palpitate.Since I told my dad about my results, he's only spoken to me on general terms: either sent me on errands, asked me where certain things are and the likes of these. No word has been said about my bad result or his threat to take away my sewing machine, so I start to think this is the reason he calls for me.Joy enters the living room, sits on the armchair as I stand at the archway.
Finding Us 38: A change in attitude
“How are you?” Eric asks over the phone.“Fine.”“Hope you slept well?”“Yes.”He goes quiet for a moment. “Anything new? Any plans for today?”“Nothing much.”There's a long pause this time and a sigh follows. “Dora...”“Eric, I can't talk now. Maybe later. I'm a bit busy.”I can tell by his silence that he's confused and feels apologetic. However, all I want to do is be away from him. Seeing or speaking to him reminds me of the fool I used to be, the mistake I made that night. It reminds me of how distant I am from God.Eric concedes with a short exhale. “Alright. Later.”I hang up before he can and return to pounding the palm kernel in the mortar.“Who was that?” Joy asks from the sink where she's washing ugu in a bowl.“Eric.”
Finding Us 39: The truth that heals
“Forgiveness,” the Head-pastor says. “It's the hardest thing for any human to do, yet the easiest thing for our God to do. God forgives so easily, that it amazes me every time. He killed that person, yet the simple fact that he's remorseful is enough to make God forgive him. There's no sin our father in heaven cannot forgive. As long as you are willing to repent; as long as you acknowledge your mistake, and you're willing to turn a new leaf, he's willing to forgive. Do you know why? It's because He loves us. He loves us so much that He's waiting for us, despite all that we do. He's waiting for us to make that right choice.“Just like He forgave David for stealing another man's wife, He forgave the prostitute who saved the Israelite spies. He also forgave the woman who committed adultery and was brought to him to be condemned. Just as He forgave these people and more, He's willing to forgive us.”***While mom and dad are b
Finding Us 40: Learning to forgive
It's easier said than done: forgiving oneself, that is. Because when the time comes, the internal struggle makes those words sound so stupid.When the Head-pastor asked me if I could forgive myself, I hesitated. And when I finally replied, I told him maybe. That I wasn't sure.Why? Because it was when he asked if I could forgive myself that I realized just as Eric was wrong for having sex with me, I'm also wrong for letting him. Eric didn't rape me. I've been so angry at him that I didn't think to ask myself who gave him the green light.No one can disrespect you if you don't give them a reason to. I motivated Eric to do what he did. I'm the reason I was used that way.“Achoo!” I shiver on my bed as my mom touches my forehead.“I don't think this is only catarrh,” she says. “It seems like malaria.”“Malaria ke?” I ask. “How come?”
Finding Us 41: One-on-one
I'm slumped on my bed, about to doze off when Joy wakes me.“Dad is calling you.”The journey back from the church's headquarters was crazy long. Although I wasn't the one driving, my body weighs like a bag of cement. And all I want to do is sleep. Not talk.Mom and dad are in their room, so I knock before I'm being told to enter.While mom is unpacking, dad is going through his drawer in search of something.“You sent for me,” I say.He looks up at me before closing the drawer. “Your mom said you're the one that packed my other bag. Where did you keep my shaving stick?”“It's in your bag.” I go over to the bed, open the side-zip of his bag and take out the shaving stick.“You'll be going back to school tomorrow, correct?” he asks as he collects the shaving stick.“Yes, sir.”He tilts the shaving stick over and over
Finding Us 42: Amanda's plight
Staring at my mirror makes me realize how much weight I've put on. Although it's not impossible to have added this much weight. If I wasn't munching on a snack I bought, I was either rummaging the fridge for something to throw into my mouth or checking the cupboard for something to cook — that is if there's no already-cooked food at home.I notice how flabby my stomach is and try to tuck it in. This makes it difficult for me to breathe, so I heave out a sigh.“Don't worry; before two weeks, I'll lose all of these,” I tell myself with a grin.After closing my Bible, I pen the last question I have and then shut my journal.Before I left home, the Head-pastor and I talked about a few specific things I could do when less busy. These things are habits that are very necessary to aid my growth into a better person. These include reading my Bible and journaling my thoughts and findings: at the end of the week, I d
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