3 - No Going Back Now

Was this seriously happening right now? 

My whole body was hot and I was sweating like a pig. After about ten minutes we pulled up to their house, and thankfully it stopped raining. 

It was a standard ranch style house, much like mine, but it looked like they owned a lot of land. There was a large corn field in front across the street, and some other vegetable field beside their house. 

Were they farmers? 

He didn't strike me as the farming type. 

Jace noticed my eyes darting all over.

“It’s even more bizarre on the years when they rotate the fields and the corn stalks are all around our house. It makes for some badass hide and seek though, especially if you’re drunk.” 

He was fifteen, did he get drunk? Of course he probably did.

But I visualized the house being engulfed by cornfields and shivered. That would be weird .... like horror movie level. 

Once out of the car, Jace grabbed my hand and led me into the house. In the living room, sitting in a recliner, holding a bottle of beer was a very large man, probably 6’4 and a solid 275 pounds. 

His face was unkempt and his light brown hair looked musty and sweaty. He looked like he’d been working outside. Jace sighed, and it seemed like he hadn’t expected his dad to be there. 

"Dad, this is my math tutor Rae. She's going to join us for dinner," Jace said. 

Mr. Wheaton looked me up and down.

“You’re Levi’s kid huh? You got the colored mom? I heard she was in a looney bin. What, you think you’re smart or something? You’re probably nuts too. This little girl is tutoring you? I knew you were a stupid fucking fairy. You think you are a little badass? How about you pick up a football like a real man." 

Jace rolled his eyes and looked embarrassed … but like he was used to it. 

Anna chimed in, "Rae, write down your number so I can call your dad. Why don't you kids go work on your homework in Jace's room while I finish dinner, it will be about half an hour." 

I scratched down the number and Jace wasted no time grabbing my hand and pulling me down the hall toward his bedroom. 

Whoa, whoa were we going to his room … alone? 

I had never been alone with a boy in his room and I had no idea what was about to happen. 

Jace threw his book bag on the floor and then pulled his hoodie up over his head. When his arms were up, his stomach was exposed and I could see some serious bruises. They looked awfully painful, and I lunged toward him with my hand out. 

Jace yanked his shirt down and said, “don’t worry about it.” 

I opened my mouth to protest but he just kicked off his shoes and fell on the bed. He then turned on the TV and we settled into an awkward silence. 

Should I sit on his bed with him? 

What do I do! 

He patted the spot next to him on the bed and propped a pillow up against the headboard for me. I sat down, my back against the pillow. After a few minutes he took my hand and started rubbing the back of it with his thumb. 

A shiver shot up my spine and I just stared ahead, trying to act like it wasn’t heating up my whole body. 

A few more minutes went by and he said, “We’re friends right? I mean, we tell each other stuff.” 

I tensed and said, “sure.” 

He sat up so our shoulders were touching. 

Was he going to kiss me?? 

How was my breath?? 

Oh my god, I needed to brush my teeth. He was still holding my hand, and he let go of a deep breath. 

“Do you ever feel like you're trapped in someone else's body? Like how you look is not how you're supposed to be?” 

I laughed and said, “of course, only every single day of my life!” I mean, I looked like a complete loser. 

He said, “I guess …  I don't feel at all like my outside reflects my inside. I don’t feel like this is how I am supposed to look.” 

He looked at me with sad eyes, and then looked away. I couldn't imagine what he was talking about though, he was one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. I thought his biggest problem was not passing math, what could he possibly have to be upset about with his appearance? 

After a few minutes I decided to press the issue, what I have to lose?

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He said, “if I tell you there is no going back and you will have to help  … and you have to absolutely swear that whatever I tell you stays between us, if anyone found out…” 

Still not understanding what he was saying, I said, “of course I'll help you.” 

Who am I kidding, I was only madly in love with him, I would probably do anything he wanted! 

He turned toward me fully, and took my other hand, and I swore my heart was going to leap out of my chest. 

He looked at me with a calm face and said, “I've never told anyone this, and I can't believe I'm saying it now, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't tell someone … I feel like I can talk to you, you know what it's like to be different... " 

What the hell was he trying to say, get on with it! 

I was getting impatient. 

"I think I should have been born a girl." ……… 

Say what? 

I could tell he was serious, and I thought very deliberately about my facial expression and my reaction, I didn't want him to think I was making fun of him. I certainly did know what it was like to be different, and feel completely alone because of it. 

So I simply said, “how can you know that?“

He said, “while I have an athletic body and I love sports, I don't feel like myself when I'm dressed in those clothes,” he said pointing to his closet. 

“I dream about having longer hair, different cheekbones, and a feminine voice. I dream about having, like … curves I guess. I want to wear makeup, I want to dress up and look pretty. But I know there's no way I could ever do any of these things. 

For sure, my parents would disown me if they knew. My father especially, he already calls me a fag and thinks I should already be sleeping with girls. No offense but I don't think girls are hot, I want to be one but I don't want to even kiss one.” 

I looked at him with a blank face, trying to figure out how to respond. He still continued to hold my hands and I found myself relaxing. 

After a minute or so, I said, “so what would I be helping you with exactly?” 

He said, “well for starters I need to get my dad off my back so I want him to think you are my girlfriend. But since you know how I actually feel, nothing has to happen between us. We can just be friends. 

But around him and maybe even around school, you can hold my hand or whatever, and I'll be sixteen next week and getting my aunt's old car. So I could pick you up and take you on dates and stuff. And, no offense, but you're going to have to fix yourself up... Like is it possible for you to get contacts? The glasses have to go. 

Also we need to work on your hair, I want to learn how to do some things anyway, maybe we can learn together. Also, we desperately need to get you some makeup, and some better clothes. It seems like you have a hot body but you hide it under clothes that are way too big.” 

I gawked at him, “jesus, honest much?” 

He just smirked and it offended me more … even if he had valid points.

I was unbelievably crushed, but I didn't want him to see that it was because my dreams of being his real girlfriend were shattered. He seemed oblivious that I even felt this way. From what he said, it didn’t seem like he was coming from a hurtful place. 

I was a moron for thinking he could ever like me but I sure as hell never thought it would be for this reason. I just didn't see myself as good enough for him. Oddly, I started to think that he did see me as pretty … just in need of more effort. 

I had a brief moment of confidence and I said, “how can you know you don't like girls when you haven't even kissed one?” 

Just like that he put his hand on my cheek and planted his lips on mine. I didn't know what to do, I was not expecting that! Slowly his lips started to move and I followed his lead. 

I closed my eyes and imagined that this was the culmination of all the dreams I had about Jace. That he would kiss me and instantly he would be in love with me. 

After what seemed like an eternity but was probably more like thirty seconds, he pulled away and said, “nope nothing," dismissively. 

Great, meanwhile I was burning up and my heart was pounding in my ears. 

Couldn't he see what he did to me?!

“Hey guys dinner's ready," yelled Anna. 

"Just tell me you'll think about it okay?” 

He looked at me with hopeful eyes. 

“Yeah I'll think about it,” I said, disappointed. 

As we sat down to dinner, his little sister Victoria joined us, but I noticed his dad was gone. There was not even a place set for him like they expected him not to join. 

Family dinners were a big thing in my house and we tried to have a few every week. I thought back to his dad and realized that he did seem a bit drunk earlier, and he seemed like a mean drunk. 

Just then it dawned on me…

Shit, were those bruises from his dad??