- LOUISA -It's my smell that comes back first. I smell food. Something smoky. Somewhere far away, my stomach rumbles in response to the delicious scent.I gulp in a mouthful of air. My cheek is tingling. My whole face is throbbing.And someone is shouting."...hit her! What the fuck?"I know that voice. That's Ward's voice. Ward is shouting. Why is Ward shouting?I try to move, and pain shoots through my skull. It comes back to me slowly - the fight, my interference, Ward's eyes suddenly going wide - and I realize I was hit. The waiter punched me in the side of the face."What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ward shouts at the other man.Carefully, I sit up. The world only spins for a minute, and I take that as a good sign. And then hands - Ward's hands - are on me, lifting me to my feet. Everything falls into focus around me. The newspaper stands have been knocked over, and several dozen images of my face are scattered across the floor. When I look up across the dining room, I f
- LOUISA -"Your pick," I say, nudging the atlas in Ward's direction.We're sitting in the car, our book of maps propped up against the dashboard. Ward rubs his chin as he studies the network of roads on the page."I say we follow the highway into Delaware," he says. "Then New Jersey. We'll hit Pennsylvania on the way to New York."We crossed over into Maryland this morning. We decided to skirt Washington D.C. - given the state of my face, it seemed like a good idea to avoid large cities. Ward's purchases last night also included some makeup and a pair of over-sized sunglasses for me, but neither is particularly successful at hiding the fact that the entire left side of my face is black and blue."Sounds like a plan to me," I say, sliding the sunglasses up onto the top of my head and studying the map. "They don't look that far apart. Think we can hit them all today?"He nods. "Honestly, I'm guessing it's probably only about four hours from here to New York City. But that's assumi
- LOUISA -Afterward, Ward slides back over to his side of the car, and I collapse against my seat, too exhausted and too overwhelmed to move.My body is still trembling, and my skin is burning with heat. I'm damp with sweat - both his and mine - and my hair is plastered to my neck and cheeks. I'm perfectly satisfied - stretched and sore and buzzing with the pleasure he gave me - and I let out a contented sigh.I know I should be a little more worried about the fact that we forgot the condom, but it's hard to muster any regret after an experience like that. If I'm being perfectly honest, I wanted to experience him that way - as truly and fully as possible. I can still feel the heat of him between my legs.I tilt my head and look over at Ward. He's leaning back against his seat, and his chest is still heaving. His hands are resting on his stomach, and one of his fingers taps a beat against his skin. He's staring at the roof of the car, probably listening to the rain that still pound
- LOUISA -I need to tell him.I've been putting it off, trying to figure out what I might say to prepare him for what's to come. I need to just drag him into a supermarket and show him the magazine - or at the very least, get over myself and spit it out already - but every time I open my mouth to say something, he'll grin or laugh and look so happy that I can't bear to take that away from him.I could watch him for hours. Study every little movement in his face. Count the times he bites down slightly on his lower lip as he hums along to a song on the radio. Admire the variations of color in the stubble on his cheeks and jaw.Soon, that face will be everywhere. All over the gossip sites on the internet. All over the tabloids in every supermarket.I only saw the magazine last night. Maybe he can live in ignorance for another few days. But if the situation were reversed...I'd want to know. And if he's going to hear it sooner or later, it's better that he hears it from me. Before thi
- LOUISA -I tell myself that Ward and I are ready for anything, that no number of magazine articles or posts on gossip sites will shake us. Let them say what they want. Let them speculate about our relationship and dig up our secrets. It won't change how Ward and I feel about each other.But I'm used to this. Not that you ever really get used to that sort of attention - but at the very least, I've learned how to live with it. It never stops being strange seeing your face on the cover of a magazine.Ward, on the other hand, is dealing with this for the first time.The day after I tell him about Celebrity Spark Magazine, we stop at a gas station to refill and pick up some snacks. I slip away to the bathroom, and when I return to the front of the convenience store, I find Ward looking through the racks of magazines.He has the latest issue of Celebrity Spark in his hands, and he stares down at the cover for a long time before flipping it open and finding the article. I don't try to
- LOUISA -I've never seen Ward like this. Not at Huntington Manor. Not even when I was punched. He's perfectly still.And then all of a sudden his hand darts out. He grabs the magazine off of the rack. Tears through the pages.They didn't even bother to come up with a different title for the accompanying article. They just repeat the same, cold phrase across the top of the page.Edward Carolson: Dead at 58.I know that headline. I saw something similar on dozens of publications when my father died. On a hundred websites. It's always the same: blunt and sensational at the same time. Like the people who appear in these magazines are fictional characters, and every event of their life is just one more scene in that massive soap opera. Like they don't leave behind real people who have to see reminders of their loved ones wherever they turn.Ward's hands are shaking. He's still holding the magazine open, but the pages are fluttering. I don't think he can even read the article.I'm s
- LOUISA -"I'm thinking of going to the funeral," he says the following morning.We're sitting on the bed, munching on tiny boxes of cereal - a.k.a. the motel's "complimentary breakfast" - and pretending to pay attention to the morning show flashing on the television. Those are the first words either of us have said in the last hour.Everything feels so strange between us now. Something has shifted between us, opened up - but while part of me welcomes this new sense of vulnerability, there's an awkwardness between us that wasn't there before. We've both stripped ourselves bare, and now we don't seem to know what to do.I grab some cereal with my fingers and shove it into my mouth. I haven't even thought about Carolson's funeral, but it doesn't surprise me that Ward wants to go."I have to figure out where it is and how I'll get there," he says. "But I shouldn't be gone more than a couple of - ""If you're going, I'm going," I tell him.He blinks at me, looking shocked. Does he
- LOUISA -St. Augustine's Church is enormous. It's beautiful, yes, but in a cold, regal way, which seems fitting for our current circumstances. I wrap my arms around myself as I look up at the massive stone face. Beside me, Ward is quiet and still.I reach out and take his hand. He grips my fingers. We stand across the street from the church, watching from the doorway of a small bistro. There's a crowd around the steps, and it's not just funeral attendees. There are a number of people with cameras and at least three news crews - their vans are in a line just down the street - plus a bunch of casual bystanders who have gathered to gawk at the commotion. As we watch, a black limousine pulls up to the curb. The reporters all crowd around the sidewalk, their microphones and digital recorders outstretched as the door slides open."Mrs. Carolson!" some cry."Laura!" say others.They elbow each other as they try to get closer to their target.But instead of Laura Carolson, Edward's wid