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60. Waiting For A Star To Fall
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 61. Trial By Fire
It might seem very romantic, a terrified girl falling into your arms and asking to be saved, but I assure you it isn’t. It’s actually quite upsetting. That she’s scared; that someone out there did this to her; that you’re expected to take care of it. All very upsetting.A hero, of course, will do what needs to be done in order to save the girl. The heroes you hear about, that is. Then there are all those ‘heroes’ who attempt to save the girl, but fail. You don’t hear much about them, but I’m guessing they’re in the majority.Dag had a bandage around his thigh where I assumed Jenny had stabbed him. He didn’t have his sword with him, but he was carrying the axe he’d been given on the first day. He immediately broke out his biggest smile when he recognised me.“Hey. Look who it is. How you doing, bruv?”From Jenny’s story, I had expected it to be Tin. I guess that was just my prejudices coming out. She was too worked up and babbl
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 62. Tin Man
Walking along with your hand held up is quite tiring. It was too dark to see where we were going without the light, but very awkward. Dragging Dag’s body through the long grass was no easy matter, either.There weren’t many trees in the marshlands, and we’d passed a group with distinctive white trunks when we first arrived, so I had a rough idea of where we were going. Still, not an easy task in the dark.Dudley was as untalkative as ever and I was busy ignoring the doubts trying to force their way into my thoughts. The obvious thing to have done was leave. Dump the body somewhere and deny we had anything to do with it.But some of the things Dag had said made me think Tin wasn’t the type to just leave it. I really didn’t want to spend every day looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to catch up with us. Plus, I had eagle-eyed Dudley backing me up.It took us about an hour to get to the copse of white trees. By that time, my hand was barely flickering. Ap
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 63. Lizard Blizzard
Nabbo gave us simple directions to Dargot. All we had to do was head northeast out of the marshes and we’d reach the main road to the city.There were seven of us now — far too many people to comfortably sneak around. If the lizardmen were tracking us, they wouldn’t find it very hard.We walked for many hours. I was too worried about the lizardmen to rest for more than a few minutes at a time. They all complained greatly.“Get the fuck up or I’m leaving you here,” was my main argument. My follow up was, “You didn’t hear Amy’s screams. Piercing, they were. Sounded like she was in a lot of pain. And then the screaming stopped and the laughing began. Horrible, horrible lizard laughter. Anyway, I’m going, you do what you want.”That got them back on their feet sharpish.Of course, the lizardmen might not have been following us. And even if they were, there were only five in their group. We outnumbered them, but that didn’t mean much considering the kind o
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 64. The Mandy Project
“What we need,” I said, “is somewhere nice and quiet to hide out.”“If I’m not mistaken,” said Dudley, “there are some trees in that direction.” He pointed back the way we’d come.I hadn’t seen any trees, but then I didn’t have Dudley’s superior eyesight. We headed off in the direction Dudley had indicated and sure enough, an hour so later, we found ourselves in a wooded area.We put up the tents, built a fire pit and sorted out a latrine. It was all very efficiently done. Jenny and Mandy must have thought of us as quite the pros. Ah, if only they knew the truth.We had three tents between seven people, but since there needed to be someone on watch at all times, it wasn’t too hard to sort out sleeping arrangements. First watch went to me and my good friend Mandy.Once the others had gone to bed, I sat down by the sunken fire and took out my sword (no, that’s not a euphemism). I looked up to see Mandy staring at me from the opposite side of the fire.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 65. Night Of The Living Zombers
There was a mad rush as everyone grabbed their weapons. I already had mine in my hand so I was ready. Kind of.I had played a lot of video games where you killed zombies. I had also watched many zombie movies. So, I had a rough idea of what to expect — hitting them in the head was the only way to stop them, and if they bit you, you turned into one — but did those rules apply here?You also had to take into consideration which type of zombie you were dealing with. The slow, weak ones that overwhelmed you with numbers? The fast crazy ones who ran up walls? Neither would be fun, but the slower ones at least gave you the option to run away.Was it even a zombie Flossie had seen?Everyone started asking Flossie what exactly she had encountered, which only made her more flustered. A low moan shut them all up.“Nnnnnghhhhh.”We all pointed our weapons in the direction of the noise. And then the answer to all our questions came shuffling into camp, dra
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 66. Zomber, Please
Jespert talked the whole time we spent packing up our gear. The pleasure of a vegetarian diet. The needless horror of animal slaughter. The unethical practices of farmers and butchers. It went on and on.He continued talking as we set off, and he talked even more as we made our way from the woods into the marshes all the way to the open fields beyond.His voice was loud and unremitting. With lizardmen in the area, it might have been unwise to make so much noise but in all fairness if they heard someone expounding on the link between broccoli smoothies and regular bowel movements, I expect they’d run in the opposite direction.Once he’d eaten the clovis Flossie had given him, Jespert no longer shuffled around like one of the undead and traipsed through the tall grass. We followed behind, somewhat dazed by the onslaught of preachy scolding and barely passable logic.“If you bake aubergine with the right spices, it tastes exactly like chicken.”It was ma
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 67. Hope Vs Expectation
Food was brought out and served. Various people came up and introduced themselves and asked questions about where we’d come from and where we were going. Well, they asked the others. After my faux pas, I was ignored.I sank into the background, which I happened to be very good at, and hoped everyone would forget I was there (another of my great talents).They didn’t get many Visitors and news of the outside world was hard to come by for them, so there was a lot of interest. The kids especially weren’t used to new people and shyly hung around the table as we ate.You might think having an audience of zombers watching while you eat would be a bit off-putting, but even though they looked like monsters, their appearance quickly lost its shock value. The children in particular were hard to see as anything other than kids with an unfortunate affliction.The food was quite good. It was like a mushroom stroganoff and pretty spicy. I finished in record time and would
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 68. Tunnels & Trolls
The question of whether we should stay or go was quickly put to rest the following morning. Jespert woke us with a hearty good morning and well wishes for our trip through the tunnels. It was clear he expected us to vacate the premises forthwith.After a breakfast of mushroom porridge with a little mushroom jam and a cup of tea (yes, mushroom tea), Jespert took us through some dark passages to a stairwell leading to a lower level.None of the zombers had come to see us off. I suppose the novelty had worn off and they had better things to do. We weren’t exactly legendary heroes setting off on a quest to save the world, just some random people passing through.The crypt was a surprisingly large structure, and somehow claustrophobic at the same time. I tried to think of it like a museum exhibit, although most museums don’t bother with cobwebs and damp. It would have been creepy enough being down there with full fluorescent lighting and a gift shop, but with just a cou
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