Kabanata 09- I can't

“ Magkakasakit ata ako sa atay dahil sayo!” Stefan laughed when I pulled him outside of his car. We are once again in his prestigious bar to mend my broken heart.

 Pagkatapos ng commotion at ang paguusap namin ni Matthew kanina, bigla ko nalang kinuha ang susi kay Stefan before driving to this station. I didn’t mind that I am just here last night and drinking dahil ang tanging naiisip ko lang ay ang sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko sa puso ko. 

Just by remembering what happened earlier makes me want to bawl and cried myself out of this world at isa lang ang alam kong solusyon dito. I want alcohol and I needed alcohol to clear my mind. 

“ Oh, ma’am?! Mag-paparty ka nanaman?!” 

I didn’t acknowledge the friendly smile and comment of the waiter, I just keep on dragging Stefan to the bar counter where  there is no one to be found since it is still early in the afternoon. 

“ Just watch me drink.” I told Stefan when I only ordered a one bottle of black label and one shot glass just for myself. He smirks and shakes his head before typing something out of his cellphone. 

Hindi na ako magugulat ng sunod-sunod na mag-notify ang cellphone na hawak ko. I laughed and cringe my nose because Stefan posted a photo of me holding the black label with a caption “ Black label: Ang sagot sa mga broken.” 

“ Gago!” I muttered before pouring myself a drink. I watched the liquid gush of the bottle and straight to the glass at hindi ko nanaman maiwasang maisip ang nangyari kanina. 

I am driven by my emotion, yes, but I just can’t understand Matthew’s intention. Mabuti nalang pala pinuntahan ko siya, nalaman ko tuloy na may girlfriend naman pala siya and that he is not interested with me hindi tulad ng iniisip ko. I laughed at myself romanticizing him and his actions in my mind.

 Fuck fate, fuck love!

Or I am just assuming things? Pero bakit siya nagagalit noong nakita  niya ako na nakikipaghalikan kay Rameses?! Why is he so caring?! Why did he entertain my feelings?!

“ Are you officially out of your mind?!” Stefan scoffs in disbelief at doon ko lang narealize na umaapaw na pala ang alak sa baso at hindi ko lang napansin dahil sa kung ano anong pumapasok sa isip ko. 

“ Fuck!” I cursed at myself before throwing the bottle to the nearest wall. Nagulat ang mga nagtratrabaho doon but they didn’t mind doing something dahil nakaabang ang nagpapaliwanag na si Stefan. 

He partially owns this bar kaya kahit magwala pa ako dito ay okay lang basta kasama ko siya. 

“ Mukhang malalim problema mo ah?!” bungad ni Stefan pagbalik niya galing sa gilid kung saan kinausap niya ang mga empleyado. I shook my head in disappointment before looking around as if stopping my tears from falling. 

“ Ano ba kasing nangyari kanina?!” he asked dahil hindi na ako nag-abala pang mag-kwento sa kanya although he keeps asking if why I have a red eyes when he saw me again. 

“ Ano kasi…” I don’t know if I will tell him what I did. I don’t even know if I have the right to feel this way dahil baka mamaya nag-aasume lang pala ako about sa amin ni Matthew. 

“ Ano?!” he impatiently asked before getting another bottle of the black label and pouring me a drink. Ininom ko muna ang iniabot niyang alak bago ako nagsimulang ikuwento ang lahat ng nangyari kanina. 

“ P**a! May jowa pala si pareng Mateo?!”

Hindi niya makapaniwalang sinabi ng matapos ng makinig sa sinasabi ko. Inis ko siyang binatukan dahil iyon lang ang tumatak sa isip niya sa dami ng sinabi ko. 

“ Eh paano ka?!” 

Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagutin ang katanungan ni Stefan dahil iyon din ang katanungan ko sa sarili ko. Napansin siguro niya na hindi ko din alam ang kasagutan kaya mas lalo siyang naglabas ng mas matinding alak para sa akin. 

“ Cheers to the broken hearted!” he playfully said before tossing my glass and just right that we were once again let ourselves get drowned in alcohol. 

Sobrang bigat na ng talukap ng mata ko matapos kong ibato sa gilid ng couch ang pang walong bote ko ng alak bago unti-unting humiga sa couch. 

We transferred here when the evening comes at mas lalong dumami ang mga tao dito sa club ni Stefan. I looked at him and laughed when I saw how devastating his position is. Nakatihaya na siya sa single couch at laylay na ang kamay na may hawak na bote. 

Nakabukas na din ang tatlong butones ng suot niyang black long sleeves at halata na ang mga kiss marks doon.

Gusto ko siyang gisingin para kumuha pa siya ng iinumin but I think he is alcohol dead by now. Lasing kong nilakad ang daan papunta sa labas ng Vip area na pinagkakalagyan namin pero agad din akong napaupo sa gilid dahil sa sobrang hilo. 

My phone rang inside my jeans kaya kinuha ko ito at walang muwang na sinagot ang tumatawag. 

“ Where the hell are you?!” 

Boses palang ay alam ko ng si Matthew ang nasa kabilang linya. He sounds angry and tired. 

“ Huh?” Tanging iyan lang ang nasabi ko dahil sa sobrang lakas ng tugtog sa lugar. 

“ Stay there!” He said before dropping the call. I shook my head before trying to get up on my own pero sobrang lasing ko na yata talaga dahil hindi ako makatayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa malamig na sahig nitong bar. 

“ Radia!” I heard someone shouts my name pero hindi ko iyon masyadong pinansin dahil sa sobrang kalasingan until I felt like I am floating. 

A man carried me in a bridal style paalis sa pwesto ko, sinubukan kong kumawala mula sa pagkakahawak niya pero masyado siyang malakas kumpara sa akin. 

“ Who are you?!” I shouted and started to panick lalo na ng tuluyan na kaming makalabas at madala niya ako sa kotse niya. 

“ Fuck! You are so drunk.” 

“ Matthew?” 

Lasing kong tawag sa kanya dahil sa pamilyar na pabango. I tried to look closely and touch his face but he only dodge my touch and fix my position to the backseat of his car. 

“ I hate you!” 

I don’t know what I am trying to say anymore but I know that I hate Matthew for letting me feel this way. 

“ You played with my feelings.” 

May hinanakit kong sumbat sa kung sinumang may hawak sa kamay ko ngayon. I can feel his stares but I closed my eyes and let the pain invade my feelings once again. 

“ I hate you so much!” I muttered before my tears starts flowing right into my eyes. Sobrang lakas ng iyak ko habang paulit-ulit na binabanggit kung gaano ko kinamumuhian si Matthew. 

“ I’m sorry Radia.” I heard him say but my cries are too loud to be comforted in that phrase. 

“ Can you stop this?” I asked at him as if he knows what I am feeling and talking about. 

“ Stop what?” 

“ Stop acting like you care! Stop acting like you fuckin’ like me! Stop acting like you want me when you fuckin’ have a girlfriend!” 

I cried when that realization hit me hanggang sa maramdaman ko nalang na unti-unti na akong hinahatak ng tulog pero bago pa man ako tuluyang makaidlip ay narinig ko pa si Matthew na sumagot sa akin. 

“ I'm confused but sorry, I can't.” He said before everything went black .