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Chapter 21
It was hours after, when I finally returned home.
Home?
The word registered in my head after I had said to myself and it almost made me freeze up in surprise because I’ve never had a place to call home. The words had just come into my mind and the thoughts were like words that echoed from my heart and it was strange to believe that I had only been here a little over a week and I was now calling it home.
Before I left Hadassah's place, I made sure I had cleaned up and there would be no trace of anything on my face and anywhere else.
I pushed the door of my bedroom open and when I did I found Zale sitting on my bed, with his head in his hands, "Zale..." I called out softly wondering if he was ok.
He looked up at me but didn't say a word, he just looked at me, "where have you been?" he
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"You have a visitor," the assistant nurse said to me as she opened my door and made motion for me to stand up."Who?" I asked her, wondering who the hell wanted to see me but she didn't answer me. She just started leading me down the hallways until we got to the visiting area, where various other recovering addicts were seated with their families.I rolled my eyes when I saw Zale and turned around, wanting nothing to do with him but the assistant nurse, whose name was Echo, stopped me and forced me to carry on until I got to Zale before she blushed when he looked up at her and thanked her.I frowned at the interaction and then glared at Zale who finally looked away from her and then at me, a smile on his face which slowly slid off when he saw my expression.I didn’t want to see him, not for a very long time. I was mad at him
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In all the time that I have been here I keep to myself. I just sit and stare at the white walls as I try to fight the strong urge to start screaming and looking around for my medicine. I need it, so much. The memories keep coming all at once and I don't know how to deal with it without my medicine. There's no escape from the horrible memories.Drugs were the only way that I have thought of dealing with my trauma because they helped me escape the problem. Unlike Steve who thought that I had to talk about my problems in order to learn to forgive myself and heal, I thought otherwise. If I talked about it, it would only make the shit that I have gone through that much more real. Whereas if I keep them locked away in my mind, it helps to push the thoughts away and makes what I have gone through seem like only a bad dream.Today was the first day I'd stepped out of my room and I couldn't take it. I kept scratching my arms and n
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Fear.I haven't felt that feeling in more than thirty years. What did I, Zale, the American Don have to fear?I had a group of loyal men who were willing to kill and die for me. I had an army of men at my disposal at every edge and corner of the United States of America and dare I say, across the entire world. I was untouchable and no one, not even the president of the Free World could lay a hand on me if I wanted. If it did happen that someone did, like Carter had, their deaths were slow and painful. And their families would also have to suffer from their foolish actions. Carter’s entire bloodline was wiped out and I wouldn’t have it any other way.I feared nothing. Not even death itself because I felt invincible.Until now...I'm so afraid to the point where I'm paralyzed. I'm just sitti
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The misfits, as I like to call them all walked into my hospital room followed by Steve. Each held a concerned look on their face, as though me being here hurt them as much as it hurt me. I felt like I had been run over by an 18 wheeler and I was in a lot of pain. I would move if I could but all I could do was just lay there and look into their eyes with shame and despair. It was embarrassing to be laying here in this bed after what had happened. So I avoided their eyes and shamefully looked at my hands, choosing to stay silent because I couldn’t find the right words to say.I wished I could disappear at this moment and for the earth to swallow me whole. It felt so much more real right now and it was so obvious that I had a problem and I felt ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed of putting up a fight when Steve only tried to help me because if only I had listened I wouldn’t be here.A small part of me wished
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Everyone was being extra careful around me and I had no time alone. I was always with someone, always had nurses around me and if it wasn’t the nurses, it was one of the misfits. I’ve come to see the misfits as the family that I’ve never had. Each person has a special place in my heart and no words can describe how I appreciate everything they have done for me. They would go out of their way to make sure that I was comfortable, never lonely and smiling. Everything from our casual conversation to Jimmy’s hilarious stand up shows that he would do for my own viewing pleasure was helping me get better.It wasn’t only the misfits who were always there for me, I think it goes without saying that Zale has been the most supportive and patient person in my life. It moves me to think about how he visits me every day and sits with me in my room while we talk about anything and everything and he’ll bring little cute gifts that will put a smil
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"I'm..." I paused and looked at the faces of the people I now called family, unable to stop the happy tear that escaped me as I looked at every single one of them, "I'm happy," I said. Meaning the words for the first time in my life, "I'm so happy," I laughed through my tears and they all smiled at me, laughing as well and dabbing at their eyes.Maddy stood up first and came to my side, hugging me tightly and I let her warm body give me the comfort I've come to love from her, "I don't think about the drugs as much. I do crave them, Steve, but I don't need them like I did before. And I just," I smiled, "I'm proud of myself.""I'm proud of you," Steve said as he stood up and walked towards me, crouching down and holding my hand."Come on guys, group hug," Maddy called Dylan and the rest of them and they all stood up laughing and talking about how much they hate hugs b
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