Her mother named him Manuel, after Valeria’s grandfather.
“Hi.”
The child had been sleeping but woke up as soon as she entered the room, his big eyes staring at her with curiosity.
Green eyes. If only he didn’t have those green eyes, she might be able to look at him. Or that was what she told herself. The truth was, the color of a baby’s eyes could change as he grew older, but even if the boy’s eyes weren’t green, Valeria would still stay away.
She didn’t hate him. She thought she would because she certainly hated him when he was growing inside her. However, that was pointless now. Manuel was not at fault for his biological father being a fucking bastard. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to care as she should, either.
Did that make her a terrible person?
The baby started crying, and she silently slipped away from her mother’s room and went back to her own bed. This was where she spent most of her time since ‘that’ incident because her mother wouldn’t leave her out of her sight.
Up until now, Valeria couldn’t say she regretted it. Life was unbearable from the moment her classmates (and all the school soon after) found out she was pregnant. ‘Luckily’ there were only a few weeks left before the academic year ended, and her mother convinced Padre Roque, the school principal, to let her take the exams and graduate.
Avoiding expulsion did not make things go more smoothly, though. All her friends were gone, they started looking down upon her. Valeria didn’t miss those shallow people but still resented being isolated as if she had some kind of contagious disease.
Eventually, she crushed down at the receiving end of everyone’s malicious whispers.
What had she done wrong?
She’d believed in a bad man who fooled her with sweet words and gentleness and later showed his claws when escaping was no longer possible. However, no one would blame Mateo, this was all her fault for being an ‘easy’ girl. What if he’d forced himself on her countless times and she felt nauseous and pathetic every time? In everyone’s eyes, it was still her fault.
When the academic year was over, her mother wouldn’t let her out of the house either, because she mentioned the abortion clinic once more. Meanwhile, her body kept changing in ways that made her despise every bit of it. As she sank more and more into despair, her thoughts became clouded and she did something that could have killed her.
Maybe she wanted to die.
Manuel had stopped crying, the faint sound of her mother’s voice singing a lullaby could be heard through the walls.
“Valeria, come to eat. Lunch is ready.” Now she was at her door. Probably still holding the child.
“I’ll eat later, mom. I’m not hungry now.”
***
This was unfair and tough for her mother, too. She wouldn’t be able to keep working this hard for much longer, Valeria knew it.
On days when she felt slightly better, it was possible to picture herself as someone stronger, the type of thick-skinned girl who’d go out and work hard to put her life back in order. Many others, even younger than her, did it all the time. Find a job, and maybe study something else (she wouldn’t have the money nor the time for nursing school the way things were now) and just become Manuel’s mother.
It was impossible to see herself as a mother.
That wasn’t one of the good days. It was one of the worst, those when it was difficult to get up from the bed.
And then, there was the usual knock on her door. Was it noon already?
“What is it?”
“It’s me, Daniel.”
Daniel. Her heart skipped a beat upon hearing his voice. It was August already? When had he come?
Jolting to the door, Valeria gasped when she saw him, arms opening to offer a hug. “Hello, Vale.”
He gave her that smile that was always directed to her, the look in his eyes hadn’t changed. There was no disappointment, no contempt reflected on them. Suddenly Valeria felt taken back to the time when she was innocent and happy and everything was good. Oh, how she wanted to be that girl again!
Comforted in the safety of his embrace, she dared to cry.
“I’m sorry.” She wiped away her tears and tried her best to calm down. “I’m a fool, right?”
“You're not a fool, but you make us worry about you sometimes. Your mom says you have not been eating for days.”
This was his only complaint, and then, when the excitement of his arrival had worn out and she went back to her bed, Daniel walked to the windows and opened the curtains, forcing her to let the sunlight in.
It was so bright that she needed to blink a few times, blinded by the light. Had it been so dark in there all that time?
Then the baby started crying, and her chest hurt for too many things that she couldn’t explain even if she tried. Before she realized it, she was echoing his cries with her own, which soon turned into loud howls.
What was she supposed to do with her life?
***
The house was unusually quiet that morning. Her mother must have taken Manuel for the monthly checkup. She dragged herself to the kitchen and opened the fridge, but stood there not knowing what to do next.
That was the moment when the bell rang. It was Daniel again, holding the keys of the car high so she could see.
“Good morning.”
“You didn’t have breakfast yet, right?”
She sighed. Wasn’t it obvious just looking at her appearance?
“Why don’t you change your clothes and we go to eat out?
For a moment Valeria considered saying no, and it was only because she made the mistake of looking into his eyes that she couldn’t. To him, who was still trying to cheer her up, she wanted to be the same person she’d been in the past (even if it was impossible).
Hours later her bare feet felt the hot sand burning while they were looking for a nice spot on the beach. “I told you so,” he said, passing her back her sandals.
This was the first time in half a year she came out of the house (for anything other than the visits to the hospital) and her senses were filled by the colors, the sound of the waves, the noise of the crowd, the smell of food… as if trying to inject some life into her.
“Thank you.”
He patted her head, not saying anything. It wasn’t necessary.
Two words were insufficient to express how she felt at the moment, and yet Valeria could keep looking forever and words would still not be enough.
She clutched her chest, a silly attempt to control her crazy drumming heart. This was a feeling she knew and did not want to experience anymore.
‘It’s just a childish crush.’
It wasn’t. She knew it at that moment when it wouldn’t be more impossible, when she couldn’t be more unworthy of him than she already was.
Valeria was hopelessly in love with Daniel.,
“I’ve heard you are traveling during the holidays. So, you won’t be around for my party?” The woman batted her eyelashes coquettishly. At least, it was her attempt to do so.Daniel cleared his throat.“Ah, thanks for the invitation… but I’m visiting my grandparents.”“You must really like it there, you go every year.”They had just bumped into each other in the market, there was no need to make conversation beyond some polite greeting.“I guess so. Then… see you around, Monnie.”He didn’t like Monnie very much. However, her new year’s parties were famous and when they were teenagers it mean
“When Uncle Daniel comes, can we go on a picnic again?” Manu asked, standing right by her side on the boudoir as she tried to choose her lipstick color.“Of course. I will not have work until next month, so I can stay here with you.” She ruffled his hair. “We’re also going to the park and I’ll teach you how to ride a bike, what about that?”She’d managed to buy the bike for the kid some months ago, but it had stayed in a corner of the living room ever since because he did not want to ride with the training wheels…“Really?” Manu’s face lit up, full of excitement.“Yes. Now, your grandma and I have to go out for a moment, can you stay at Ana and Ale’s house to play with them?”
We all want to show our best side to that special person. It was almost an instinct that prevented Valeria to reveal her ugly scars to him. However, a contradictory thing it was, he was also the only person she could ever bring herself to be honest with.“Because I drank too much, I couldn’t defend myself from him. I just wanted to go home. I was so afraid.”Maybe one day, she’d tell him.One day when it hurt less… but that wasn’t the moment yet.She whispered those words in the absolute silence of the hour before dawn, convinced he was sleeping. Then he opened his eyes wide and rolled on the bed to look at her in the face.“What do you mean?”
Was he a fool that did not put enough attention to what happened around him? Daniel always felt that just doing his part of the job in the company was enough. He was a programmer and did not see it necessary to trouble himself with the administration matters. Moreover, he never thought Will would steal from him.“How could you not notice it before?” His father had asked him.Daniel just shrugged in response.“Let’s not talk about it anymore.”Well, he’d been busy doing his job, and he did go to Cartagena twice in a span of six months. He’d been distracted, and there were few reasons to be alarmed as he kept receiving a good part of his money, but the truth was still the same: he never thought that Will or Lisa (Will’s girlf
Valeria did not sleep well that night. Manu woke up coughing and with a fever around midnight had trouble going back to sleep. His temperature only went back to normal after uncountable cold compresses and a promise from his mother that she would stay by his side.Every time she closed her eyes, however, the worries piled up on her mind.Luz’s incoming message did not help either.[So I was speaking with Mario about our trip to Barranquilla. He thinks it’s okay for you and Manuel to join. So what do you say? Are you coming?][Why are you texting me at these hours?]Valeria thought about it a bit more.[Forget it. I don’t want to know.]
She was totally mad at him.This was the first time he wasn’t welcomed with a hug, and if the strength she used to hit him earlier with that ball wasn’t enough proof, then the way she kept smiling through lunch while giving short answers to all his questions about her new job at the school should be a confirmation.That was alright, he probably deserved it. He was a coward.While questioning his feelings for her, Daniel had lost all courage and avoided talking to her, fearing that he’d give himself away. This was not an option when he was unsure about what his next steps should be, because what if he screwed things up? To Valeria, their friendship was just as important as it was for him, but what if she knew what was going on in his mind?&lsq
Valeria didn’t let go of her chance to tease her mother, who’d finally be free of them for a few days. “Tell Diego we say hi. Or maybe he can also take you somewhere on vacations since you are a free woman again.”Maybe this was a chance to spend some quality time with her son and have them get used to the changes they’d have in their lives.Her mother had recently talked about moving in with her boyfriend. Diego Ramirez lived in the same neighborhood, just 15 minutes away, but as it had always been just her and her mother in that house, Valeria still felt weird knowing this was about to change. It didn’t mean she wasn’t happy for the woman she loved the most in the world. Diego made her mother laugh and feel young again, that was enough reason to like him. He also had grandchildren and treated Manu as one.
They waited outside for a few minutes before the taxi got there. Being next to her unable to help her was an awful feeling, and yet Daniel did not ask for her motives to leave the party. Whatever it was, it was bad enough that she marked the wrong number twice, and kept playing with her leather bag strap, adjusting it time after time for no reason.“Finally,” she gritted between her teeth when the car stopped right in front of the house, but she did not get in until he grabbed her hand and opened the door for her. He could feel how cold her hand was because their fingers were still interlocked when they got into the taxi.“Where are we going?” The driver had asked them, and Daniel gave him Luz’s address, only to feel her grip on his hand tighten and see her shaking her head vigorously.