Maybe it was the close proximity I shared with him or perhaps it was the poor ventilation in the dark empty room but whatever it was, I couldn't breathe any more. It's like at that moment I didn't know how to. The ability to concentrate or focus on anything was absolutely impossible when that taunting piece of past dangled in front of my eyes so hauntingly. For a moment it almost seemed like an illusion, something my mind had concocted out of its own accord in such a stressful and panicking situation. But...
I wanted it to be a lie, I hoped it was and so the urge to touch and feel and believe that polaroid's true presence, with slightly yellowing edges, was immense. At the same time, I wanted it nowhere near me. I wanted to burn it, to tear it into bits and pieces, to destroy it because it triggered a long forgotten or rather suppressed memory that I never wanted to resurface up again.
Say cheese!!!
That sickly sweet voice rang in my ears and tore through my soul. A voice that I never wanted to hear again. My mind had decided to play against me as it tried to open the chest of drawers in the dark corner of the room, searching through memories, swiping through faces until the one with the brightest of blue eyes and shiniest blonde hair was found.
The pain that surged up inside my chest was nothing compared to the agony in those memories that haunted me day and night unless I found an inefficient yet working way to live. Closing my eyes was a futile attempt to wipe that picture of me away from my vision. It was a bad decision because I saw more with my eyes closed than with them open.
Ah! Picture time!
Another voice, another memory, another pain.
"Roza," his hot breath fanned my ear as his other hand gripped the back of my neck, making sure that I didn't look away. He enjoyed the way my body shook with fear and pain and agony and everything else he wanted me to feel. There was no denying the truth now...I truly felt like a puppet of his, moving the way he wanted, reacting the way he wanted and doing everything the way he wanted.
A perfect plaything.
"Roza, look at you. So scared with your pink little cheeks and baby brown eyes, staring off into the distance, too occupied to even look at the camera...or," Drawing out the silence, he waited for another shiver to run down my spine as he relished the feeling of it underneath his hand, gripped on my neck.
"Even notice me."
I didn't believe my ears when I heard what he said. To be very honest, I didn't even register the true meaning of his words until it clicked in and my eyes darted across the picture to find any evidence to the words he just said so nonchalantly. Every fiber in my body denied whatever he tried to imply. It just was not possible, it should not be.
A speck of dark hair caught my eyes and I just couldn't look away. My eyes were blurry even before I could clearly see the face which was not turned towards the camera but to the left. Somewhere where I was supposedly standing.
"Shhhh, don't be too hard on yourself. It's not your fault." I don't know how he knew I was crying as he placed the picture on my lap, came in front of me and used both of his hands to wipe my silent tears away. I didn't look away from the picture and kept staring at it, somehow still unable to believe that I was still caught up in my past all this time when I thought I was finally free.
Like I was flying one moment but thrown down on the ground by the invisible tendrils of past that held me down with a secret promise of never letting go.
What do you want from me?
I wanted to ask him. I wanted to ask what he wanted from me and why he was doing all these things, making me feel things that I felt ever so often. Just the mere difference is that I was kept submerged and drowned in these opaque waters, with the mask ripped off of my face and thrown away. Shackled and trapped.
The ability to talk was lost to me. It sounds impossible but it did happen. I couldn't stop myself or the tears from dripping down my cheeks and clearly showing him that I was being affected. That he succeeded in hurting me, that I was weak and always will be, unable to fight back and forever in submission.
"Say cheese!" My mother who seemed unusually excited chimed in her shrill voice to grab the attention of the room full of people, standing in scattered small clusters, as she took pictures of them and their loud smiles. A moment captured in time forever, a memory which would hardly ever be recalled again but it succeeded in achieving what she wanted. To show how happy and silly we were. The truth? Not so much. That was the point. These pictures, these happy smiles, these parties, it has always been the point. To avoid suspicion, to act normal, to blend in. Getting people's affirmations felt like having a subconscious conscience where everything they did was justified, and they knew that if something ever happened then they will always be supported by these people who didn't know the harsh reality of their true faces. She tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as for a moment her facade broke and with that still pearly white smile on her
The cold touch of something stroking my bare arm rose a trail of goosebumps in its wake and left me shivering. It was a moment of oblivion, a welcome one since I didn't know where I was, who I was with. At that moment the man with the green eyes didn't exist and neither did his unthinkable and unpredictable plans saved for me. This stage in between consciousness and unconscious was the most relief I could possibly have and live in and although it lasted for a few seconds, I was left with the yearning for more before I opened my eyes and faced the inevitable reality of being caged in the arms of my captor. The warmth of his breath fanned my bare neck, shuddering the wisps of my unkempt hair back and forth. I dared not to breathe at all and clenched my eyes shut in the hopes of falling into the darkness of sleep again, but it was all in vain. I heard him smirk behind me as his ice-cold fingers kept trailing and drawing figures on my arm which I couldn't quite understand.
Liza. A shiver ran down my spine as I realized how much I miss her. The shine in her eyes every time she made her favourite chocolate filled cookies and then ate almost all of them because she loved them so much. How she always talked about doing crazy things to her hair but settled for the least ridiculous option. The way she knew her way around everything and never really failed. Oblivious of the charm she had and the light she spread. The first person who stepped into my life and made me realize that all people are not the same. That there is more to the world outside my cage. The first person for whom I almost opened the door. A girl who didn't care about why I was silent. She respected my privacy and understood boundaries better than anyone. She never pushed too hard neither did she let me get through things myself. She just always knew what to do in situations where nothing could be done. Unlike me. I wish I could say that it w
I was not in control. From the moment I met him, I never was. He had this twisted charm that made everything work in his favour always, or maybe he was so stubborn that everything just curled under his unrelenting clench. A man so intransigent, lost to the reasoning of right and wrong, and in control. The numbness was all that I could feel and welcome as I let myself drift into the unknown harmony that controlled me; that I have never heard before yet played so smoothly like it was a part of me. A version of me I knew better than anyone. A version of me that nobody knew. It's funny how time can exist, freeze, move forward, backward, and then forward again. Suddenly it doesn't exist at all. What's left is an irreplaceable shadow that doesn't reoccur ever again. It's always the first and the last, yet we like to pretend that it's the same the next time even though it will never be the same. The exact same shadow that once was created is
I was not quite awake when tears started streaming down my cheeks, making me wince at the harsh reality of what's happening. I didn't want this, I don't want this. I just want this to be over with. The urge to even breathe had left my body as I cried uncontrollably and hugged a pillow closer to my chest to shut the bleeding hole in my chest. It was empty, and I wanted everything to just end right then and there. So much pain, it was unbearable. You have to stay strong. As much as I wanted to stop crying, I couldn't. It didn't make me feel weak but instead, I felt free of the bonds that held everything together for so long. I wanted Liza by my side no matter what and I wanted her safe. Whatever has been happening has gone for too long, and I was over it. The sudden surge of pulsating adrenaline made me sit up as my eyes sprang open, and my hands rubbed my tears away. I was done. Heaving deeply, I tried to muster up all my strength and got out of bed to the bat
I hated the way his lips slyly twisted into a smirk. Hands in his pockets and form leaning against the door frame of the room he came out of while his eyes shining like the scales of a snake stared at me intensely, enjoying the situation that has come forward as a perfect opportunity to toy with me. It's funny how delusional I was to consider him a friend and let him stay over the night, meet Liza, and wreck my life from the shadows. Ivan turned out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life. "Is our poor little Rosie lost in this huge mansion? This place is marvellous isn't it?" He pushed himself off the door frame and started walking deeper into the house. A sigh of relief was just about to leave my lips when he stopped midway and turned his head to the side slightly dropping enough hints that it was far from over. I followed his footsteps as he walked in front of me slowly, taking his sweet time to enjoy the uncomfortable heavine
I felt suffocated. Bound inside this body, I felt nothing but a stranger as I struggled to sustain my sanity. The pounding ache in my head didn't help either as I blinked slowly, trying to understand and comprehend the words that Ivan just said. What did he say again? I heard something, I saw his lips move, but the piercing static in my ears didn't let those words swim through. Everything was wrong. Everything was so wrong, and I wanted nothing more than this to end. I wanted this to be over with yet no matter how much I clawed from the inside of this body, this reality, I couldn't. Suppressing the urge to puke my guts out, I gulped deeply. His eyes noticing my every move not bothering me at all as it would have. "What did you say?" Tricked by my spiralling head, I could hardly catch what he said. A poor attempt from my brain, trying to hide the truth, protecting me from what really is by distorting and distracting the present.
He seemed unaffected. Until he broke out into the most ridiculously hysterical laughter I had ever heard. The humour in my answer was lost to me even though I knew the reason why it shouldn't have been my answer at all. "Boy, you truly should be a part of our family. You aren't even half sane as I thought you would be! My brother sure does have a great taste." With a grin still lingering on his face, he got up from the seat and walked towards one of the locked cupboards in the room and tried to jiggle the handles only to come up with nothing but disappointment. "How many years are you-" I didn't need to finish the question as he cut me off and replied without any delay. "Thirty minutes." Confusion clouded my mind as I frowned at the answer I received. Maybe he didn't get my answer after all and thought I was asking something else until it dawned on me. They were non-identical twins. Things made a lot of sense now and more believabl