His words don’t make sense. My whole body feels like it is on fire. I’m an ordinary girl. I live an ordinary life. All of this is unbelievable stuff. Stuff of gangster movies.
“He wants you,” he repeats glumly. “Me? What do you mean me?”
He covers his face. “Fuck, Star. Do I have to spell it out to you? He wants you … your body.” I frown. “My body? Why would the owner of a gambling club want my body?”
“You don’t need me to tell you why.”
“But he doesn’t know who I am. I could be a frumpy, middle-aged housewife for all he knows.”
His brow furrows. “I’m beginning to think that someone is jealous of me. They know that the most important thing in my life is you, and the best way to destroy me is to get to you.”
Nigel goes on talking, but I stop hearing him.
“He didn’t use the hammer because you agreed to let him have me, didn’t you?” I ask, my body crawling with revulsion.
“No,” he denies, looking at me with wide eyes, and shaking his head vigorously.
“Oh, my God. You damn coward. That’s what last night was all about, wasn’t it? You thought you could manipulate me into selling my body to pay off your gambling debts.”
Suddenly, the light goes out of his eyes. He just looks defeated. “No, Star. I meant it all. Every word I said. I’m not giving you away to anyone. I love you. He let me walk because I told him I would persuade you, but I have a different plan.”
“What plan?” I spit. I don’t believe him anymore. He’s lied again so much I feel as if I’ve been married to a stranger.
He looks me in the eye. “Last night was me saying goodbye. My life insurance is worth one million. If
I die in an accident tomorrow the mortgage on this house will be fully paid, and you will be the beneficiary of a million pounds. You’ll be able to pay my debt off and still have half a million and some change in your bank account.” He smiles.
I stare at him in utter disbelief. This is just becoming more and more surreal. “Are you completely mad?”
“Far from it. I want to make it right for you.”
“You want to make it right by killing yourself, and leaving me a widow?” He stares into my eyes. “This is the only way to save your father.”
I feel that like a shot in my solar plexus. My dad. Oh, God. My dad.
“Remember, I always said I’d die for you. You always used to scoff that you’d have to see it to believe it. Now you know that I meant every word.”
“This is madness. I can’t believe this.”
“I haven’t been a good man. I’ve been wrapped up in myself, my own needs and pleasure, but for the first time in my life I’m the one willingly making the sacrifice. I feel good about my decision. I’m putting you before me”
“No,” I shout.
“There is no other option, Star.”
I take a lungful of air. My chest feels too tight. “There is another option.”
He shoots up so suddenly, his chair falls backwards, making me jump. He looks down at me, his eyes hard. “What kind of man do you think I am? As long as there’s breath in my body I’ll never let him have you. God, even the thought makes my skin crawl.”
I stand up too, and words I never dreamed I would ever say, stream out of my mouth. “What kind of woman do you think I am? Do you think I’ll let you die to pay a debt when all I have to do is spread my legs once?”
“Besides the fact that it wouldn’t be just once, I couldn’t live with myself if my wife had to pay my debts with her pure body. I might as well be dead if I allow you to do that.”
I swallow hard. “How many times would it be?” “For fuck’s sake, Star.”
“Answer me.”
“Why? It’s not an option. I’m not going to let you do it.” My fists clench. “Answer me, goddamn you,” I scream.
He looks shocked. I’ve never raised my voice like that to him. “A month,” he whispers.
“I’d just go to him every night for a month?” I say coldly. He flinches. “You’ll have to stay with him.”
“Will anything be down in writing?”
He kicks the fallen chair. “There’s a contract.”
“Will it just be straight sex, or will … there be other kinky things I’ll have to do?” “He let me look at the contract. Nothing will happen without your consent.”
My legs suddenly feel like jelly and I flop back into the chair. I look up at him. “I’ll do it.”
He sits down and covers my shaking hand with his own. His hand is warm. “Please, Star. I don’t want you to do this.”
I get off my chair. I can’t bear him touching me right now. I begin to pace the dining room. He doesn’t move, he just sits with his head in his hands. I take deep breaths to calm my thoughts. If my Dad knew? I think of my father lying in hospital fighting for his life and just like that, my decision is made. I go back to the table and stand in front of Nigel. “We’ve got no savings so if you die, the insurance company needs at least a few months to issue a check, don’t they?”
He nods.
“What happens to Dad until then?”
“Can’t you ask your mother, or your sister to help?” His voice trembles.
I bite my lip and close my eyes so he will not see how much he has hurt me. I won’t let you down, Dad.
“When do I need to go to his house?” I ask when I open my eyes. He buries his face in his hands again. “I can’t let you do this.” “It’s tonight, isn’t it?”
He nods brokenly.
“Contact him. Arrange for me to go there tonight. Make sure the contract is ready for me to sign.” He grabs my hand. “I can handle this. I just need a bit of time. I don’t want you to do this for me.” “Rest easy, dear husband of mine. I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for my dad,” I say coldly. He flinches as if I have hit him. “I won’t let you do this,” he blurts out suddenly.
“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore. You lost that right when you deceived me and put us in this mess.”
I snatch my hand away from him and stand up. Quick as lightning, he catches it again. “Where are you going?”
“I need to shower, Nigel.” My voice sounds dead and flat. “Look, I’m going to try and arrange a temporary loan.”
I look at him with bitter eyes. “Don’t bother. You’ll just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Here’s the deal. You will get on the phone right now and you will make an appointment to seek help with your addiction. Until you have been cured you will come straight back after work to this house every night. Do you understand?”
He nods.
I lean in closer. “What’s more, if you visit another club, or place another bet again, do not expect me to be here for you.”
He swallows and nods again. “Good.”
“I love you,” he says softly, his eyes glistening with tears.
That stops me in my tracks. I have never seen Nigel cry. Not even when his mother died last year. “I love you too, Nigel, but you’ve really hurt me with this one. I never saw it coming. I feel as if I don’t even know you.”
He grabs my hand with both of his. “You know me. I am the man you fell in love with. I’ve just been a fool. I was lost. Now when I look back I can’t believe I did what I did.”
“It’s okay. We’ll work through this,” I say dully. “There has to be another way.”
“The other way is both you and my father die.”
“This is such a fucking mess. I’m sorry, Star. I’m so sorry.”
“So am I,” I say softly. The truth is I feel completely numb. I actually feel nothing. Not fear, sadness, horror, revulsion, not even anger. Maybe, I’m in shock, but everything feels unreal. Like a dream that I will wake up from.
“I don’t care what I lose as long as I don’t lose you,” he cries. I nod, too numb to care. Then I break away and go upstairs.
STARWhen I get out of the shower Nigel is waiting for me in the bedroom. I walk past him without looking at him and go to my wardrobe.I open my underwear drawer. “Have you called him?” “No.”“I’ve got to pick up Nan now. I’ll be back this afternoon. Please make that call by then.” “We need to talk,” he says.I let my towel drop and pull on my panties. “No, we don’t.” “Our marriage …”“Shame you didn’t think about it while you were happily gambling away everything we have,” I spit. He walks towards me. “Please, Star.”In the mirror, I see him standing behind me. His hand reaches out, and I watch transfixed, as his fingers caress my breast. His hand is a few shades darker than my skin.The image is erotic.I carry on watching him. Surprised at how I feel absolutely nothing. He slides around to the front of me and latches his mouth onto my nipple. I look down at him suckling at my breast. Like a … vampire. He looks up and our eyes meet. The expression in my face makes him freeze. He pu
Star “Wanna do breakfast?” Rosa, my best friend, asks. I’ve know her since we were in primary school, and she’s always taken it upon herself to look out for me. She doesn’t sound quiteawake yet.“Yes,” I say automatically. “What’s up?”“Nothing.” “Bullshit.”“What makes you so sure something’s up?” I ask. “Let’s call it tone.”“I’ll tell you when I see you.” “But you’re all right?”“Yes.”“Sure?” she insists. “Sure.” “Lucianos?” “Okay.”“Can you get there in twenty minutes?” “I can get there in ten,” I tell her.“See you in ten, then.”As I park the car it starts pouring down with rain so I hold my bag over my head and run into the café. As I stand inside the doorway brushing my hands down my light jacket, I spot Rosa. You cannot miss her.She is stick-thin with flaming red hair cut into a smooth bob. She is wearing scarlet lipstick and what looks like a lace
Star I gasp. “That is low. Even for you, Rosa. Nigel is absolutely devastated. You would be shocked if I told you what his original plan to sort out this mess was.” Rosa folds her arms and looks at me steadily. “Be good enough to share his brilliant plan with me.”“He was going to arrange for an accident … for himself so that I could collect on his life insurance money.”Even saying the words is painful to me, but Rosa bursts out laughing. “And you believed him?”The way she laughs makes me feel foolish, but I straighten my spine. Rosa can’t be objective about Nigel. Until this morning, Nigel has always been good to me. “Yes, I did. You should have seen the state he was in this morning.”“I love you, Star, but honestly, when it comes to Nigel you are just unbelievably naive. I mean, if I hadn’t met you before you got entangled with him, I would have written you off as an irredeemable bimbo. You think the su
Star When I get back home, Nigel is in the front room slumped on the sofa. The atmosphere is tense and strange, and there is an open bottle of whiskey on the coffee table. “You switched your phone off,” he says, standing up and coming to me. His hair is ruffled and his face is pale and stressed. I’ve never seen him look so unhappy and depressed. “Why?”“I didn’t want to speak to anybody.” My voice is wooden. “Where have you been?”“Out,” I say briefly.There is a flash of something in his eyes. “Where?”I want to say, none of your business, but I can’t. This is my Nigel. My hero for so many years. Turns out my idol has feet of clay, but he is still my husband. “I met Rosa for coffee,” I reply, as I brush past him to go upstairs.“Did you tell her about me?” he asks in a strange tone.I turn around to look at him, surprised that he’d even ask. “Yes.” “I bet she was delighted,” he says bitter
Star I lay down on our unmade bed and close my eyes. I didn’t make it this morning so it has remained unmade. I think of Nigel opening my legs last night, and my stomach churns at the thought of giving my body to a complete stranger. I clench my hands and take a deep Then I dig my phone out of my bag and call my nan. I keep up the fiction that I’m not feeling well and she agrees to go see my dad alone tomorrow. In fact, she suggests that I take the whole weekend off. I thank her, then call my mother.“Hi, Mum,” I say quietly. I can hear the sound of a TV in the background. “Nigel said you were not feeling very well. What’s wrong with you?” “Probably one of those flu things.”“Well, that’s what you get for going to hospital every single day. Oh, for heaven’s sake anyone would think that man was dying the way you keep running to his bedside.”“What did you want, Mum?”“Can’t I just call my daughter withou
The chauffeur nods and waits while I slide into the seat. Soft classical music is playing and the car smells of expensive perfume. The door closes, and the man walks around to his side of the car. I turn my head to look at the windows of my house. At the living room window, I see Nigel standing there staring at me. There is something so lost and forlorn about the defeated droop to his shoulders that I bleed inside.The driver gets into his seat and the car starts to move. I stare out of the window seeing nothing. All I can think of is Nigel standing at the window. As the car leaves Earls Court and takes the M4 out of London, I start to pay attention. We make steady progress until the car smoothly joins the M25. There is more traffic here, but less than twenty minutes later we take the slip road out of the motorway. After a little while, I see signposts for Virginia Water, Surrey. I’ve been there once. One of Nigel’s friends lives on the Wentwo
NIKOLAIShe stares at me in shock, her beautiful eyes wide, her mouth parted, and a river of primitive possessiveness rushes through my veins. I’ve got her. She’s mine now. “Did you … are you Nikolai?” she gasps.“If he’s not me, then he’s one lucky bastard,” I say. Her mouth snaps shut and she squares her shoulders. “Would you like a drink?” I ask.“No thank you,” she says stiffly.I smile and walk to the liquor cabinet.“Sorry, but can we please get on with this?” she shoots. Her eyes are combative. She wants to take control of a situation where she knows she has none.“We already have. You are here under my roof, are you not?” Her eyes regard me with hostility. “Why did you bring me here?” “I wanted you,” I say simply, watching her.Her dowdy appearance cannot disguise her unique beauty. Her long golden hair tightly pulled back only serves to highlight her flawless skin. Even in this most
Star His eyes betraying nothing but indifference. Yes, I’d like to use your body for a month, but it wouldn’t bother me too much whether you stayed or went. But my hands are shaking with terror.Not fear of him, but of my own unnatural desire for him. It’s the kind of craving I’ve never known before. Until now I never suspected there could be such a need for another human being. A stranger.Of course, I love Nigel. I love him deeply. My love for him feels as warm and comfortable as an old blanket. Makes me safe. I know I can trust that love to last until I am grey and wrinkled.What I feel for this cold-eyed monster is raw and dangerous. Even from where I am standing I can feel the waves of sexual tension coming from him. Like heat from the Mediterranean sun. Heating up my blood. Making me feel hot and strange.One kiss?I’m already hanging on to the edge of the cliff by my fingernails. Barely able