This is just a replay of my life, a dozen times over. It’s not lost on me that this is no sort of existence but I have no choice. I get myself into these situations and sometimes running is the only way out.
I waste time looking for a bag and start to get extremely anxious as the clock keeps ticking. I pull out a small gym holdall I assume is his from the wardrobe and push what I can inside. Pulling on a jacket I go to the window to try and get it open. It takes effort, even though this is a modern and well-maintained apartment, I am not familiar with the locks or how to open the damn things. I manage to slide it enough to get my hand and arm outside, eyeing up the metal fire escape through the glass and push the bag out by squishing it through forcefully so it lands with a gentle thud on the staircase outside. Luckily this building is only five or so floors high and I am not about to escape from a massively high penthouse.
The fire escape is a proper metal stair
Sat alone in the bedroom as I pack everything I own with a complete lack of interest, I cannot help the tears rolling down my face. Mico is in the other room making calls and figuring out where he is going to put me from now on. Alexi didn’t come back and I gather one of the heated calls shortly after his departure was him. Mico sounded enraged and left the building to finish his call, barely able to lower his tone as he continued their argument.The girl must have disappeared when Alexi got here as she has vanished into thin air and for that, I am actually thankful. I don’t want anyone to see me sobbing and pathetic, like some poor battered woman at the hands of a cold bastard and his words.I just feel desolate and in pain. Alexi has cut me loose and I should be happy about it, but I am not. I still harbour this dumb tiny little flicker that somewhere deep inside I mean something to him and as toxic as we are, I love him. I can’t help or control how
The fact is that I am pining, stupid and emotional, and all I keep replaying in my head is him and his parting words. Crushing my soul and tormenting myself, even though it’s stupid.He wants me gone and I want to be free of him. There is no reason to feel distraught and set adrift because I am getting just that. I skim my phone for the millionth time and hover over his number. Somehow knowing these are the last hours of any connection to him is making me erratic and stupid, and I have to keep chastising myself for letting him get in my head in this way. All I can think about is how he was that night, in bed alone with me after he made love to me, and that’s what it felt like. I know I am obsessing, but … It wasn’t sex, not in Alexi’s typical dominant and aggressive style. It was something else, something more. Something that got to me in ways that cannot be undone. It was seeing another side to him, one capable of softness and gentle care
Drunk me, is not a good thing and I remember in my hazy stupor why this is not something I ever do to myself. I am an emotional mess, sobbing into my own lap on the floor and cradling my umpteenth cocktail of hard liquor while pulling my mental state into disarray.I am a bad drunk and I can’t switch off the depths of feeling going off inside me like a hot flowing volcano as lava bubbles out through my body. I was stupid to do this to myself, and instead of drowning my sorrows I have opened Pandora’s Box and can’t seem to switch off the all-consuming pain and turmoil coming from the dark recesses of my brain.It’s like I have my own cinematic tragedy on replay, reminding me of my life and all my woes and stupid buried memories which are springing out in all directions, to add to how devastated I already feel.Despite all of that, HE is still foremost in my brain, plaguing me like the tormentor he is so apt at being, and even in his
Loving someone is not a reason to treat you shittily. You deserve answers from him. I’m battling myself, fighting my own thoughts and yet the overwhelming aching pain is taking control. Alcohol fuelled stupidness and I cannot seem to stop myself, dragging myself onto my feet as I sway around crazily, mentally yelling NO while my body aims for the bedroom with a set mind to finding my phone, with tears dripping off my nose.I want to hear him say it in his own words. Why I’m not good enough? Why he doesn’t trust me? Why I’m good enough to fuck and yet so easy to discard? I cannot seem to apply the logical ranting refusals to the parts of me which are in control and looking for where I left it, tripping over my own feet as I search the bed and bedside cabinet.I am two people in one brain and the dumb part, completely intoxicated and ignoring reason, is in control of my physical movements. My heart shredding with the stupid intoxicated stupor I am
He walks around the car and I almost break in two when he opens the passenger door and helps a tall leggy blonde out, resting his palm on her back in a gentlemanly and very touchy-feely manner as he guides her towards the building confidently. Rushing her out of the rain.I want to scream and drag her away from him, fiery rage instantly coursing through my veins and my brain crashing like a tidal wave. Anger and pain coursing through me, jealousy and heartbreak with a crushing ache from him being with someone else.I hate him. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t expecting him to show up here with a date and I had no plan for what I should do if he had a woman with him.I sag and start to cry against the metal bin, burying my face in my arms to let it all out before I start to try and get my head together. I should go and not keep doing this to myself, but something inside of me doesn’t want to. I came to see him, came to confront him one last tim
‘‘I came to talk to you,’’ I mumble out through garbled sobs and stutters and watch as his jaw tightens and his brows furrow devilishly. He looks anything but happy to see me and now I know what severe foolishness feels like as it floods through me at speed.‘’There’s nothing to say. Look at the state of you … what the hell, Cam?’’ Alexi stalks towards me at speed and I instinctively skate back on my arse and raise the bottle defensively. All he does is swipe it out of my hand and slam it on the counter over my head as he stands over me, ignoring the fact I am curling into a little ball as he leans back to look at me.‘’How much have you had to drink? Drunk and soaked … Do you want to get sick again?’’ He demands, sounding like an angry dad, and leans down to scrutinise me by grabbing my chin with two fingers, so he can angle my face and get a proper look at me. He p
‘’DON’T CALL ME A WHORE!!!’’ I scream at him irrationally, flashing rage at that little trigger word, anger fighting to the forefront over the pain and I’m getting erratic. Whore is a word I hate above all else, a word I have been called over and over by anyone and everyone who wants to put me down. Someone giving me a label like that means they can justify how they treat me, as though I am not human and don’t deserve any sort of respect.A whore is a choice, and it never was for me, it was a means to survive, and I am sick to death of being treated like that’s all I am. A vessel to fuck, a body to abuse …Alexi doesn’t react to my outburst, just stays calm and unmoveable. Sometimes I wonder if he is even human at all. He’s so devoid of normal emotions and reactions, it’s like he’s a bloody cyborg.‘’You fuck men to make money, you’re a whore … get over
‘’I just wanted you to see me, to talk to me,’’ I whisper, lost in my own head and the surreal haze that’s surrounding me now. I feel like this is a dream and if I could rewind and go back a few minutes then I would. I sound like a crazy person having a mental break, maybe I am. Booze and Alexi’s head games pushed me to a place I never thought I would ever go. He broke me.‘‘You know maybe you should just pull the trigger if it makes you feel better. Maybe it’s the only way out of this.’’ He smirks again and I focus my tear blurred vision on his face, breaking in two. A face I came to love and hate at the same time and now a face that sends the fear of God into me.I don’t know if he’s being serious or playing with my head as he has that mask of deadpan on his face, and I cannot read him from his calm demeanour or lack of emotions at this moment. I want him to shut up and stop talking b