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78
I get off the subway and slowly walk the four blocks to my apartment. Tired, dirty and mentally exhausted from a day’s gruelling shift, repetitive life, and generally just can’t be bothered anymore.
I have been feeling this lack lustre and completely empty for weeks on end and cannot seem to shift the hovering grey clouds which follow me everywhere I go.
I should quit, move on and find another job, but I’m stuck. Like I am superglued to the cesspool I accidentally landed in for some respite in the sun, and now I’m withering away in the heat of the day.
I have no clue what I’m going to do beyond this and no energy in me to try. I haven’t been able to function properly in months, and every night I still dream about that complete monster, Alexi Carrero. Tormenting me, making me hate him over and over. Heart breaking to icy shards every time he walks into my dream with those soulless grey eyes and an evil smirk on his face.
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The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 79
I slide down and do something I have done since I was old enough to bathe myself. I keep going until I fully submerge under the water, hold my breath, close my eyes and blot everything of the world away to hear only the high-pressure thrum of being underwater.I can ignore my knees getting cold as they stick out to accommodate my laid down position as the respite from the world is always worth it. Even in an uncomfortable half sized tub that scrapes my bum with its cracked enamel.I taught myself to hold my breath for up to two minutes as a child, even though I have never learned to swim. I used to count the seconds out and make myself do it for longer and longer. It was my escape, my secret underworld which cleansed my soul of all the sins put upon me while hiding me from the reality of my life. I used to wonder if it would be as peaceful to drown and finally be free of all that tormented me.I can manage half that time now, seeing as I no longer do it ritually
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 80
I wake up with a throbbing face, shooting pain across my entire skull and forehead and the worst kind of headache from hell. I am on the cold, hard wooden floor of my apartment and for a moment I have no clue where I am. My body is stiff from it, and freezing from being here for a prolonged time in a very awkward position, like a dead animal.Disorientated and woozy, I turn on my side and throw up when the taste of blood hits the back of my throat making me gag, and I realise that my face is covered in it. Feeling out my features, I can tell that my nose is a mess, blood crusted around it, and it feels like it could be broken at the bridge where it’s swelling badly and near unbearable to touch. Tracing it tenderly, so very carefully with my fingertips and recognising the burning ache of a bone that has to be at least cracked. My face already feels puffy and even though it’s still so dark I can tell I am completely alone in my surroundings. It has that
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 81
My heart sinks as that age-old knowing fear takes a grip of my throat and I know my apartment will see a second break in before sunrise. I am too tired for this.This city is full of people with no scruples, and I am an easy target, especially in this state. I don’t have the energy to fight off two teens, even with my baseball bat and mace, not while I’m sick and messed up and close to falling down with fatigue. I have no one around here that would intervene in any way and the sad fact is … I have nothing worthy of protecting except myself.I don’t hesitate. I shove everything I own into my two holdalls, not that I have much to pack, then pull on some sweatpants and trainers and a hoody over my lighter pyjamas. I’m not waiting around for a second assault in my own home, and as the place already looks like Armageddon swept through, it’s not going to make much difference to me. They can come see for themselves it’s all gone and
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 82
I shake my head, stomach turning over as I put it back in my bag and hesitate, even though my heart is saying to leave it well alone. Something inside of me is fighting it and I’m not letting it go as I tilt my head back to let out an exaggerated sigh into the eerie surroundings. My inner stubborn is grabbing at my soul and begging me to end my own agony and reach out to someone I know will help me.‘Just do it! … It can’t be worse than this.’ I say it out loud to myself, telling myself off, shaking some sense into me.I know before I pull that card out that I have already made my mind up. I’m weakening, my health, my heart, my fight. It’s all been shaky since the day I left that hospital and I have barely been holding on for months. I am so tired of struggling to fight every day, and the thought of someone else taking control for just five little minutes is like a life savour in the stormy sea. Just five minutes of not
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 83
‘Did I ask for the great fucking Alexi Carrero to come on down here and start acting like the prize wanker you can be? NO, no I fucking did not! I asked Mico, MY FRIEND, for help! Someone who actually gives a crap about me, and in no part of that conversation did I say … bring that prick of a cousin of yours as I miss being treated like shit!’ I throw sarcastically, standing taller and lifting that defiant chin while I am the one who steps forward to him ungracefully. I am in the full throes of Diva mode as she finds her feet and blows the cobwebs off.The distance between us shortens and two very pissed and buzzing people get their rage on, face-to-face while the atmosphere turns to static around us and sizzles with the effect.Alexi seems to grow about five feet instantly, but I care not. This bastard will never make me cower at his feet again. I have learned one thing in his absence—I am the one who gave him the power to wound me and I
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 84
‘You don’t look well and this place is hardly the Hilton.’ He nudges my shoulder with his and I smile softly, fully aware of how things are. Amazed by how quickly my insides are returning to normal and the effects of one smouldering Carrero in the corner are wearing off now I am over the worst of the shock. I’m still not repentant over throwing things at him; I’m just sorry I only hit him once. I’m still smarting, but it’s hard to stay enraged and high octane when your body is giving up on you.I think I am in dazed shock at his presence though, it doesn’t really feel like he is here. This is a weird dream after months of sleeping.‘You don’t have to tell me that,’ I respond quietly, fully aware that this is barely better than sleeping under a bridge right now and freeze when I catch Alexi’s feet moving towards me across the floor. I won’t show him that his proximity gets to me, so even
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 85
Mico sighs heavily.‘He’s not going to do anything to you, I swear. Trust me. I wouldn’t have brought him if I thought he was going to hurt you in any way, and he knows that if he scares you, I will break his face.’ There is something in Mico’s tone that says he isn’t lying to me and I silence my insta-response of no and sit for a moment trying to calm myself down.‘Why can’t he just leave me alone?’ I sulk weakly, sounding fragile and quiet. Sighing and hating how tired all of this is making me. The hours ticking away and I still have to try and sleep before I need to get up for work. At this rate that’s not going to happen and I cannot even face the thought of a ten-hour shift on little sleep and a raging fever.‘Because he spent four months trying to find you and he wasn’t about to let this opportunity slip by.’That shuts me up and I blink up at the door, disbelieving what I
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 86
I know fine well she’s called Joanne, but I’ll be damned if he thinks I give a shit about his woman in any way, shape or form. He chose that rancid slut as his bedfellow and hostess, so he can choke on it. He chose her over me. I hope she gave him STDs.‘She hasn’t been the best choice and now the club is losing money.’ Again, he looks at the floor, and if it wasn’t Alexi the tosser Carrero he would seem defeated and a little submissive. I know better. He’s trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants.‘Boo hoo. Should have thought about that before you kicked me to the curb then, shouldn’t you?’ I turn away from him and walk to the kitchen with a satisfied smirk, not falling for his BS, to retrieve a drink of water to soothe my parched and raspy throat. Also needing a little head space as his ever-looming presence fills my room like a black cloud. I hate that no matter what; he just pulls all the air out
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