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183 - Book 3
I’m lying in a heap on the bed, numb from endless sobbing and wracking pain. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying listening to my own blood rush through my head as my heart self-implodes inside my body. I’m nothing but a shell, a quiet empty shell of exhaustion and heartache, rumpled beyond recognition.
I lashed out, hit at him, and shoved him away with every ounce of strength I possessed, yet still he tried to cling to me.
My Jake, my body, and soul. Now the destroyer of everything that I was.
I told him not to touch me, to never touch me again, to leave, and to go away. I screamed and cried and fell to pieces on the floor at his feet. His words tumbling around me like noise that I couldn’t understand, so consumed by my grief. It’s only when I whimpered and begged that he leave me alone he finally listened; moving away so I could find my way to my feet, running into the solitude of this room … our room. His
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I’m a little saner from the harsh jets of hot water drilling into my skull, distracting me from my own reality, and stand that way until my legs go numb, like a mindless drone on autopilot.I dress in fresh clothes and brush out my hair before moving to unpack my things into the empty wardrobe.The doorbell ringing snaps my focus around, and I hesitate, stomach lurching in panic. Sarah won’t be back for a few days and I’m not expecting anyone I can think of. Experiencing a moment of fear as my gut tells me it might be him, that maybe he doesn’t want to give me space to think, but I can’t see him so soon. My insides go weak, turning to liquid mush, my legs become rubber, and hands start sweating. I’m close to fainting when sense steps in.Wait! My brain snaps into focus, telling me it’ll be Mathews with m
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The Carrero Effect 187
“Emma, I believe he’s the one for you, mistakes aside. I truly believe you’ll never find another love or happiness in the way you found it with him. He seems to know what you need, almost instinctively, and he gives you it. He understands you. You have no idea how rare that is.” She tightens her grasp on my hand and gazes at me fondly. Those tropical blue eyes twinkling with love. “You changed someone like him, Emma, he changed you, you have no idea how huge that is. I don’t think he’ll ever look anywhere else again if you give him another chance, no, in fact I know he won’t.”“I can’t just push aside what he did.” I sigh.“But you can learn to forgive him, and you can only do that by talking to him and seeing what happens next.” She strokes back my hair from my face wiping away some of the wetness on my cheek. “You can’t wallow in here and hide away forever.”&
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I stare at the folded paper in my hand, with shaking fingers, the envelope discarded, now lying on the bed with his neat scroll on the front. I take an eternity to run my fingers across the neat lettering, pain shooting through me from every angle. I inhale deeply steadying my nerves, unfolding the thick cream paper, biting my lip. I drag courage from somewhere telling myself I should dive in and do it.Emma, I’m sorry, bambino, so extremely sorry. I don’t even know what writing to you is going to achieve, but I had to do something. I saw them packing up every piece of you and I had to stop myself from tearing it out of their hands and holding onto it all. I can’t bear it. I feel like everything they remove is a slash across my heart.I know I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll do anything to have it, anything to get you back. I made a stupid mistake, I wasn’t
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You’re killing me, Emma. I’ll do what you ask. Xxx I love you so much.I don’t feel any better with his response, an inner wave of disappointment that he’s not trying to change my mind. Anger boils up inside of me, coming from nowhere, and with it the impulse to smash my phone off a wall.What the hell is wrong with me? What is with my undying need to make Jake come after me and devour me? It was the same when we fought after Arrick’s birthday. My anger wanted him to take me with a vicious passion, as though he had no control, and now here I am angry because he isn’t ignoring my wishes and pushing his way here to see me. It’s like I need the extreme from him. Maybe the lack of real love in my life growing up has caused this deep aching desire to have someone show their love in dominant ways. I can’t begin to analyze that right now. All I know is I want him to take away my decision to not see him,
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“I don’t know where we are; somewhere Leila brought us. Sarah’s here too but I think she’s dead.” I watch as she slides ungracefully off the bar where her body previously was,and she ends up in a disheveled heap on the floor, behind her bar stool between two men who are seemingly ignoring her. For someone who thinks Sarah might’ve died I don’t seem overly concerned. I trip toward her a little, stooping to see if she’s breathing, almost losing my balance, and nearly fall on top of her. “Never mind. She’s just snoring,” I slur down the phone with a dramatic sigh of relief. I slump down on my knees beside her to peel what looks like a beer mat off her cheek.Yay, my friend isn’t dead after all. But that is disgusting.I hold the beer mat out in front of me and squint, looking at the blurry, sticky vile thing, before tossing it casually over my shoulder and rub my hands, on Sarah’s
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