Why? Well, let me tell you why.
Firstly, amongst having this certain type of dream, I woke up to find my hand down my pants pleasuring my sacred woman box...for the first time ever. I know, it's hard to believe—a twenty-seven-year -old woman of quite open minded standings and I have never quenched my curiosity on what my own fingers feel like down there (let alone what another man's fingers feel like down there). And fortunately...or unfortunately, I have no recollection of what the sensation felt like; I only remember the discovery of my hand where it wasn't supposed to be. However, I'm sure I enjoyed it, because I awoke flush face
Wednesday seemed like it couldn't come soon enough. Perhaps because it's because we're still on our break from engaging with the media like we were sent here to do. Either that, or I've been anxiously awaiting to go to therapy with Sebastian. What kills me is not being able to sit in the room and hear anything he does decide to disclose. Of course, I'm not going to become intrusive and ask him questions about his childhood or anything pertaining to that, as it's obviously a sensitive subject—the "bathroom incident" adds truth to that. But knowing that this is our third week here and we've already come to know each other at this level, from becoming lost in the forest together to handing a group of bikers inside a bar in the middle of nowhere, and finally to Sebastian being so vulnerable in my hold at 1 in the morning when no one else, not even his family, knew the extent of his pain
** ** October 14th, 2000Los Angeles, CaliforniaSEBASTIAN "Okay, Sebastian. You can do this. You can do this." I'm looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom of my new school. Great. Just what I need—people thinking I'm a freak during my first day for talking to myself. Of course I would be used to people thinking this since that's what the entire freshman class at my private school thought. An entire year of being thrown onto the ground, punched around exactly every Wednesday of each month (I started to count after the second month) and lonesome lunches and group projects until my Mom...or actuallyGloria
Dr. Bakura stares at me with a look that indicates she's thinking quite hard about what I have said. However, my thoughts are occupied on how cold I suddenly feel. Shit, so this is what it's like to open up about your past? If so, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do it without completely losing my shit. Then again, was I better off hiding it and allowing that dark cloud of closure to linger over me? "You know, your silence is kind of freaking me out," I point out, trying to lighten the tense air. "Is this something that therapists do?" It's obvious she doesn't get my joke. "Oh, I'm sorry, Sebastian. I'm just trying to put the pieces together from what you have told me." She takes her notepad and starts writing some
******************** February 18th, 2002 Los Angeles, CA SEBASTIAN I ran inside my front door with the widest smile on my face. I'm out of breath, sweaty, and so excited I can't seem to keep my head straight. My driver almost fell on our front lawn from how fast I ran inside the house, but after a quick apology I think he'll forgive me. "Gloria!" I scream, looking around our living room to see if she's anywhere in sight. The housekeepers are on ladders cleaning the windows, and jump when they hear my voice.
I hadn't realized how hard I was gripping the table until I could feel my fingernails indenting the wood. I was so invested in Loretta's story, so drawn to the smiles and the frowns that she carried, that it didn't seem like I was even in my guest house, but following Sebastian around in his teenage years. So when she suddenly stopped talking, I was pulled back into reality. And realized that my fingernails were indenting the wood. But why had she suddenly stopped? "What happened in Garrett's office?" I ask Loretta quietly after a moment's silence. She mimics my body language—taut, nervous, anxious and stiff. The only difference is, Loretta knows the next chapter in Sebastian's story. I do not.
I can't remember the last time I have been this nervous. But I can think of a few reasons why. Firstly, I am not keen on the idea of making a fool out of myself as Sebastian tries to "teach" me how to dance. I don't have the rhythm to ease this task upon myself, nor do I have the experience as I have stated before. Secondly, the eyes of the band watching us as they serenade Sebastian and I with their jazz measure makes my feet shake. There's only a modest number of them—about five people. But even if the number was five or five hundred, I would still be cowering in my heels And finally, the third reason as to why I am dreading the thought of allowing Sebastian Harrison to carry me off into a dance through this vacant ballroom floor, is a simple nine letter word:
***** A part of me thinks that I must be hallucinating. What are the odds that Garrett Harrison would happen to be attending this function and I wouldn't know about it? And it isn't just some random drop-by; his tux says otherwise. "Mr. Harrison. What are you doing here?" He smiles, similar to the way he would smile at me months before. But now, it doesn't look too genuine in my eyes. "Why, I wanted to surprise everyone with my appearance. I came a little late, but it's the thought that counts, correct?" I manage a laugh. "Yes, yes, I suppose. I just...I'm just shocked to see you. I feel as if it's been so long."
**I'm packing my things and going back to L.A. Or am I? No. I'm going to stay here, and tell Sebastian the truth instead of running away from everything. But is that the best choice? I'm in my hotel room, staring at my suitcase that lays on the ground. The room is quiet; my phone is on silent. I can't dare face the text messages from Sarah or even Sebastian asking why I immediately left the charity ball after I rushed out of the ball room Sebastian and I danced in. Unable to make a decision, I sit at the foot of my bed and sigh. Garrett's "threat" to me doesn't even seem like something that happened; it's hard to come to terms with finding out the man you practically looked up to was wearing a mask the entire time. After our encounter, I know have