TaylorI enter Dr. Wilson’s office and assume my usual chair. I immediately open my journal before placing it on my lap. The doctor leaves her desk with a legal pad in hand to join me.“Good morning, Taylor,” she begins.I return her greeting, more nervous about this appointment than I was at my first. I promised myself to work on my relationship issues while in Kansas City. It is go-time, and I don’t know how to start.Dr. Wilson opens by inquiring about my thoughts about the group session.“You were correct. I need to open up to Jackson and Kennedy and ask for help occasionally,” I respond.Sensing my closed demeanor, instead of asking more questions, she motions for me to hand her my journal. I watch closely as she reads the list of goals I hoped to work on in counseling. She smiles at me before asking if she may read my journaling during the week. I allow her, knowing I only journaled once. This will probably disappoint her.“Your goals for our sessions,” Dr. Wilson begins. “I need
TaylorThe impending ovulation day quickly approaching, I opt for a special dinner. My tablet is open on the counter, I follow each recipe exactly. I have my phone timer, the microwave timer, and the oven timer set, ensuring I don’t forget any part of this meal. Filets warm in the oven, the slow cooker contains loaded potatoes with bacon and cheese, and a saucepan of green beans with bacon simmers atop the stove.The microwave timer signals my cheesecake chilling is complete. I pull it from the refrigerator, and I take my time decorating the top with strawberry slices, blueberries, and kiwi slices.My phone timer alerts me to turn down the oven until we eat. I reduce the green beans to low, then end the oven timer. Now I need Jackson and Kennedy to arrive before the filets dry out. I decide to text both.Me: I prepared special dinnerThis might encourage them to hurry home. It is now 6:45. Kennedy is usually home by 5:30 and Jackson is between 6 and 7. I thought I planned this meal per
Taylor“Wake me up before you go, go...” I turn my Wham alarm off. Today, I decide to wash my face and use the restroom prior to my temperature. As I wash my face in the mirror, I feel butterflies in my tummy. I might be ovulating today.I assume the peeing position on the toilet, I’m reminded of my tenderness discovered during the night. Moving through the soreness, I check my underwear as I conduct my morning business. I rub my index finger over the creamy white discharge on my cotton panties. I pinch my finger and thumb together, then apart as the internet stated. The consistency is sticky and stringy. Shit! This is a sign I might be ovulating. Oh crap! Oh crap! I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for this. I quickly log my mucus observation, then place the thermometer under my tongue. I’m too nervous to I sit on the bed, I pace to the bathroom, to the door, and back with my aching thighs. I am afraid to look after the beep. If it is up, I will have to text Jackson, letting him k
TaylorReluctantly, I join him at the table.“What is up?” He asks.I shake my head back and forth.“Song of the day time,” he announces.Shit! He doesn’t play fair. I’m feeling all kinds of awkward and confused, and now I have to sum it up in a song. Closing my eyes, I attempt to focus. I can’t find the perfect song. I grasp the first lyrics I can. Instead of summarizing, I recite a line of lyrics from the end of Total Eclipse of the Heart. “Once upon a time...”As I continue the line lyrics, Jackson shakes his head.I continue the lyrics, “But now...”Kennedy chimes in, “sounds emo to me.”Nothing from Jackson, so I finish the song.“Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Jackson proclaims proudly.“I thought if you stated the title in the lyrics, it didn’t count as getting it right,” Kennedy bursts Jackson’s bubble.I sense Jackson is going to ask me to explain how those lyrics make me feel today. I awaken from my awkward numbness and take control. “Okay, so we did ‘The Deed’ th
Taylor Promptly at 6:00 a.m., Work It by Missy Elliott wakes me. I silence my alarm before texting Jackson. Me: I’m awakeJackson: Me too Kennedy will be down soon.I nervously retrieve my utensils from the towel on the vanity where I dried them last night. I toss the extra pillows on the bed, select my vibrator for the day from my drawer, crack the door, and climb under the covers.Kennedy peeks her head in several minutes later, and I motion for her to come on in. Her tender smile conveys all I need to know. I tuck the jar of sperm between my thighs. I again mentally walk myself through the entire process. I withdraw the sperm, use the syringe, and complete ‘The Deed.’My morning orgasm relaxes me such that I fall instantly back to sleep until later my ringing phone wakes me. Looking at the display screen, I see it’s nine-thirty, and Jorge is calling. It’s about time he called me. I connect the call. Before I can speak, he says hi.As we talk, I glance around the bed, noticing I di
TaylorLooking at the clock on my iPad, I cringe when I see it is six. Where did this day go? I uploaded a ton of new lessons to sell before reading a few chapters in my current book. Since I have nothing planned for dinner tonight, I guess we will need to order a pizza. Kennedy is usually home by now; Jackson should be home soon. I return my iPad to its charger for the evening, then search the fridge for any dinner options.At the sound of the garage door opening, I’m excited my alone time is ending. Jackson emerges from the garage. He freezes awkwardly at the door, scouring the house for signs of Kennedy. When I explain she hasn’t texted and isn’t home yet, he quickly excuses himself to change from work clothes. Am I imagining it, or is he as hesitant to be around me as I am with him? With a few minutes to spare, I scan my email on my phone.Junk.Junk.Spam.To read later.What is this one? The sender is Middle Tennessee Pomskies. I completely forgot I looked into purchasing a dog
Taylor at Dr. Wilson’s OfficeThursday, 10:00 a.m.Today’s session with Dr. Wilson, starts with my explaining what I mean by bad boys. I list the cheaters, the liars, the drunks, and the drug abusers I fell for. I share they were like shiny pennies for a week or two before showing their true tarnished side. We discuss whether I try to change these men or fix them and discuss these failed relationships in detail before tabling this discussion for another session.Next, she asks about my nightmares.“I didn’t experience any nightmares for the last two weeks,” I answer honestly.Dr. Wilson’s forehead scrunches while scrutinizing my honesty.“I’ve had troublesome daydreams instead,” I explain. “I feel blurry or drunk in the flashes. After each one, I immediately experience guilt for these thoughts. I feel like I’m hurting Kennedy, but I know I’m not. I don’t want to act upon them. I over-think my interactions with Jackson and his reactions to me. Our once comfortable friendship seems strai
Jackson at Dr. Wilson’s OfficeThursday, 4:00 p.m.I quickly assume my seat anxious for my appointment to begin so it can end. I stand my journal between the seat cushion and the chair arm, hoping she doesn’t see that I brought it. I inwardly cringe at the reaction of Dr. Wilson if sees my meager attempts at placing my thoughts on paper.I refuse the water when offered and Dr. Wilson begins our session. “Let’s discuss ovulation and your thoughts on the in-home insemination process.”I cannot contain the groan that escapes.Dr. Wilson prompts, “Last week, we discussed the first three attempts of fertilization, do you have any concerns for next month.”I realize I cannot avoid her our entire session and decide to participate. “After our first awkward attempt at ‘The Deed’ I think we perfected our process in the second and third attempt. Taylor’s nature is uncomplicated.” I smile. “She makes everything easy drama-free, and...” I search for the right word to summarize the sum of all that i