The Variable Life of Sam

The Variable Life of Sam

By:  Daviferous  Ongoing
Language: English
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Mathematically put; 2blahdity - 6bluffity + 5whoopsie - 8oopsdaisy + Nerdiness.The Variable Life of Sam: where N(Nerdiness) is a constant.Has it crossed your mind to wonder how the first-all-Nigerian-schools excursion would be?Wonder no more as Sam takes us "out on dinner" with his "out of this world" narrative, weaving up his "breathtaking" adventures, with students from different schools. Hilarious moments, invented imaginations, teenage crush, life as a nerd, "The Battle of Wits: War Against Bullies"...Join this adventurous train on the railway of humour as Sam, the locomotive driver of the train takes us yonder.....

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25 Chapters
Introduction (A Must Read)
Sam:(over the radio) Flight 201, requesting permission for take off. Over.Control Station: (Radio noises, beeps as a personnel speaks up) Sam, do we have to go over this again?. For the love of Richard Trevithick, it's a humour-rail-sitting-nose-diving-shaped adventure train!Sam:(scratches his back of his neck, as he chuckles awkwardly) For the love of Richard who again?...never mind. I'm so sorry. You know, I always wanted to be a pilot but I had this fright for heights. There was this one time I...Control Station:(Train station manger takes the mic from the personnel) Sam!, nobody wants to hear of your childhood whobidi whobidi who, If you don't get this train moving this instance, I will....Sam:(puts up a "bored face" as he lip-mimics the manager while making
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1. Here we go
For one, I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to write this. I guess it was out of boredom, those kind of boredom that can make you count the number of passers-by wearing blue tops(which I did until I got tired).These events, I'm about to write, took place exactly 300B.C, during the reign of Empe...just kidding, it took place three months ago.So, it was about me going somewhere, eem..Lekki Conser...oh, sorry, where are my manners?(sips cof--CapriSonne™️, feeling all "professional")??????????????Staring at my reflection in the mirror, my overactive imagination kicked off its starting gear.Mr Jones lets out a wry smile as he pulled my sad cheeks twice."Smile, my boy. Don't be sad. This is the last day of school for this term. You ain't gonna be bullied again
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2. Manning up, not for me
We walked to school, walking as though the world doesn't exist. I guess we were basking in the euphoria of the last day of school, I was almost sure I heard "one jam of a song playing in the background"(it certainly sounded like John Cena's theme song) and we "walking in slow motion, Temi flinging her long hair like fashion models while I took my time to take steps like that of a gangster who got "promoted to gang leader's lieutenant position".The jam playing in the background ended abruptly with a "rewind tune" as I sighted Osmosis and his gang of friends on their bicycles, riding to school.(coughs)Before I forget, Temi doesn't have long hair but braids--wild imaginations sure take a toll on me a lot.Most unlikely, my brain popped up Mr. James, at this moment...the least person I needed to see was Mr. James, he would go on about knowing your rights and all and sure did it this time, he was like "Stand your gro
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3. #Egg_Smash
Courtesy of my gracious heart, I won't like to bore you guys to death with the detailed description of how the last morning assembly for the term went. I know curious fellows that don't mind the saying, "Curiosity kills the cat" will be asking how boring the morning assembly was and what made it boring. For their sake, I will grace thee with few cups of water from the ocean of boredom."It's with immeasurable indulgence that I desire to welcome to the "dies ultima" of school for this term. I can conspicuously notice the glistening merry visages of you all and with absolute gratitude, we venerate God Almighty for his altruistic provision of life inter alia to which we tentatively..."I almost slept off for a moment there. I can't believe I have bored myself with this long talk, I guess it's "readers first". Such are "all in a day's job" for Mr. Okon, our small stature principal who derives joy from the attention he receives from students as
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4. The In-between
I will gladly take up the argument that two weeks during school session and two weeks during holidays are not the same.The way time went(quite an understatement)...spinned (now we're talking) off fast baffled me.I watch the seconds-hand move, reassuring myself that we weren't in "Spy Kids: All the Time in World" situation--you know, sci-fi has a knuckle for coming true sometimes, like that of Teleportation did, It is now a possible way of transportation developed by Elon Musk.Though it's not yet available for public use, Elon Musk Group of Companies are on a contract funded by the United Nations, to install the "transport tube" at least two par street in every country of the world. The transport tube through a mechanised process of cell division brings the body to the lowest unit of life; that is "cells" and then through a process called "hyperventilation", morphs back the cells toget
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5. How not to Meet Jenny
"Honey bunny, hope you've packed in, a toothbrush,you don't want to be using chewing sticks, do you?", Mom asked with all concern, as she was packing in snacks in one of my bags."Yeah, mom...did that like last week, remember?", I looked up and at that instant, she had the same concerned look, Mary, Sheldon's mom from the "Young Sheldon" series would have some times."What of mosquito net, would you be taking that, you know mosquitoes can be very...""Moommm", I grumbled, giving her the "I'm fine" look"it's alright, my baby", she smiled wryly, the smile itself was radiating worry.Mmasi came down from her room in her pyjamas, leaned against the door post of my room."Mom, Dubem is leaving today, right?""Yes, my dear. Will you like to accompany him to school?", mom asked, zipping up the bag she was packing stuffs in, before."Yeah, of course....on the day pigs will fly", she bluntly replied as she turned sluggishly towards the bathroom."...and probably become the George of the Jungle
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6. 9-1-1, Emergency!
Fast forward to the bus trip, I had not recovered from the embarrassment, my cheeks were still red. Temi had given up pretense and was releasing muffled laughs, she would look from where she was seating, chuckle and turn back, Jenny did not behave as though a mother petting her 16 years old son in S.S1 was anything related to Old Uncle Weird, she just kept on smiling...as before.The bus lined up like a convoy starting from S.S.3 down to J.S.S.3, with different buses for art and science classes too, our Principal sure spared no expense--well, that's the official version; the unofficial, he's a chronic showoff.All the drivers were maintaining a pace as instructed by the school each filing up behind the other, we were probably gonna contribute a tally to the overwhelming traffic.I was seating at the second to the last seat by the right, particularly by the window side.Since we were assigned seats, Temi go
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7. EGUNGUN, be Careful
A SHORT NOTE ON THE TITLE'S MEANINGSome might be confused on what the title means. it's a song title from a Fiji Nigerian musician, Obesere. On the completion of the warning in the song's lyrics, it says "Egungun, be careful, na express you dey go". This simply warns Egungun, the persona(a Yoruba masquerade) in the song to be careful that he's going on an expressway. I guess you can be pretty much figure out the proverbial meaning yourself?ENJOY!!??????????????Dingggg!!!!My heart took on his heels until the arteries and capillaries, he was connected drew him back."What kind of alarm is this!?", I asked furiously to no one in particular, holding my chest as my heart was still pounding. Others in my room woke up too, well...less g
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8. Push ups, Number Swaps and Coco Pops
We have established the fact that I barely escaped there-goes-a-nerdy-pervert tag(didn't have the heart to make that, a cliffhanger), now moving back to the morning exercise.It was something I had never experienced. I saw my heart leave me and walk back to the hostel. Coupled with the fact that I was troubled about the event that took place that morning, it was just terrible.We started with running round the upper field five times, it was like a group of people running a marathon. I tried blocking out the thoughts of being jostled and stampeded by people until I turn flat like the cartoon characters, Tom and Jerry when slammed flat by an object or something.No wonder, they asked people if they had any health challenges coz the health challenged had their mild exercising activities going on on the farther end of the field. Before we could finish with that, the sun was already coming up, should be around 5:57am o
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9. Chyking Gone Wrong
*Chyking* is a slang for wooing a lady ??????????????After the weekend, the next thing that came up on Monday was the Orientation, where bunch of people with microphones churn out objectives, acknowledgements, dos and don'ts, blah blah blah. The upshot, it's where Boredom hugs people and signs his sleep signature as an autograph on their faces.Looking at us from the top of the school's mega auditorium where we all were sitted, we looked like an army of insects marching to conquer a cube of sugar before the owner of the house sweeps it away.The "good boys and girls" came with pen and jotter to note down things, while some boys were looking for where the pretty girls were sitting.The whole place was up in a cacophony that I could barely hear my thoughts, a very bad place to
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