ACHOO!!" I sneezed myself awake and immediately started to flail within the tangle of tentacles trying to strangle me to death.I open my eyes and see........darkness.
Are my eyes even open?
Hold on;I begin clawing at my neck and face and instead of slimy,wet, gelatinous octopus limbs,my fingers come into contact with cloth.
"Crap,crap,bloody stupid idiot static electricity"
I seemed to have every single blanket,sheet and sweater currently trying to smother me to death.I fight and curse,landing on the floor of my bedroom in the process.I finally break free-my torso at least-and take stock of the damage done.
My room is a warzone.
A picture perfect tornado aftermath.
The books from my bookcase are strewn across the floor,pages everywhere.All my stationary is scattered.My desk has been upended,my drawers open and empty.The contents litter every available surface.A snow globe I've had since childhood is shattered my so is my lava lamp,my makeup case and a tumbler I left on my bedside table from last night.There's juice and makeup staining my beige carpet and I just sit there,still half buried under a mountain of fabric,in complete shock.
"No way is this static electricity." At this point I can feel my eyes begin to tear up from being open so wide for so long and I'm talking to my empty room like a crazy person.I try to untangle my legs and get up.
"Oh my freaking banana".
My dark hair falls in my face(really need to get it cut)as I attempt to sort through the debri that my possessions have become.It was at that exact moment that I started to float.
Impossibly,my eyes go wider and for about two minutes there's nothing but static in my brain.
What.The.Actual.Grapefruit.
A second later and my adrenalin kicks in,or rather screams in since the sound that tears from my throat is hardly even human.I panic,thrashing wildly,which catapults me across the room,turns me upside down and of course that's when I REALLY get into it.
Im in my room- in mid air almost touching the ceiling- kicking and punching with my eyes closed,cursing a mean streak of fruit profanity.
I suffer from what my best friend Keanu (insert eye roll here.His parents are Huge fans of 'The Matrix' and 'John Wick') calls Chronic Pathological Potty Mouth.According to him I can't say two sentences without using profanity.I ofcourse deny such a malicious (and very true) claim to which he challenged me to prove him wrong by going a day without swearing.And thus the fruity expletives were born.I began to substitute curse words for fruit names and despite making me sound completely insane,it actually worked.Its been a week since the dare and I can't seem to shake the habbit.Needless to say,I get stared at alot.
"kiwi,ginger,peach,apple,strawberry,shit shit shit".
Ok so older habbits are harder to shake.
My upstairs neighbor begins to smack her floor with what sounds like a broom stick and yell at me to shut the -insert non fruity expletive here-up.I slowly calm down as my adrenalin subsides and start to think 'hey,this isn't so bad after all'.Im like a 5ft 6" slender (BONY) cloud gliding around about six feet in the air.I do a quick summersault and even my hair is gracefully fanned out around me.This is straight up surreal,Im surely still asleep.This is nothing but an all too vivid dream.
Only one way to find out.
"Fu-ig!" Fig is a fruit right? Pinching myself does it's job and I'm convinced that this is the real deal.Now a whole new panic sets in.How the cherry do I get down from here?
"Maybe I can help with that."
I look up and there's a swirling frothy grey mist taking up about four feet of my ceiling.Before I can blink,what looks like a tree bark covered marshmallow reaches down and yanks me up by the hair.
There's that static again.Just what sort of weird Alice in Wonderland crap is this? While my brain tries to catch up,my body is thrown unceremoniously on what feels like large marbles.Unbelievably my eyes and nose register what appears to be.....gumballs? My brain skitters awake as my eyes once again widen to saucers.There are millions of red,blue,purple,pink,orange,green and heck I don't know the names of all those other colours,but I'm sure every single shade on the spectrum is represented here,balls of glittery sugary gum underneath me and I lay there,my torso twisted and supported by my forearms,my legs folded at the knees,just staring with my hair forming a curtain around my face.Definately putting 'haidresser' on my to-do- list.That normal thought seeps through my trance-like state and my head lifts.Then bam,back in the trance I go.This 'in shock' thing is becoming my new norm.Im surrounded by that weird foamy fog.It's thick and glows uncannily blue.I can only see throug
I didn't realise how creepy this place was until about five minutes after the Tree Bear vanished.It went from mystical to ominous real quick,the 'plop plop' starting to sound eerie and menacing.By then I had walked no more than fifty feet in the powdery,all encompassing fog and despite my rising apprehension the towering Freia ( funny how I remembered that but not Tree Bear's name) were really starting to look appetizing.They were growing fairly close together and there was one about two feet in front of me that I couldn't stop staring at.The chocolate-and I'm a hundred per cent sure it is now-was oozing and flowing, undulating in this mesmerizing,almost seductive way and I couldn't tear my gaze from it.I know Tree Bear man warned me against touching the stuff but I can't imagine why.I was alone.Who would know? Plus I really needed a sugar rush.I looked up at the towering,beautiful mass of brown goodness and reached out to touch.I had one second t
Ulrik released my arm as soon as we fell through so I was once again flailing,except this time it felt like I was falling in space.It was inky black,with a depth that was perceived more than seen.Eerily,I could see my arms,legs and clothes clear as day,though all around me was completely black.It felt infinite and....final,as if I had just died and was sentenced to float around in this darkness forever.Until I turned my head to the right and saw Mr.Big Hairy Pompous Bear Man smiling at me."Afraid of the dark Judah?"A little."Where the raspberry are we?" I'm falling timelessly and so is he.My hair is straight up above me,his incongruous bark-skin is glowing softly.Im freaking out and he's smiling at me with his long,obnoxiously white incisors glinting in the unseen light."This is The Deep.I am able to channel us through this realm to a place closer to Aorta.I cannot do this for more than four minutes or my life force will begin to ebb.If you had not wasted so much t
My destiny was really looking up.Or rather down.In my belly.My eyes were still somewhere at the back of my head when they rolled there in sheer unadulterated pleasure from the swipe of Freia chocolate I stole.I gaped at my surroundings as Ulrik spoke."Not so long ago, Gargol reigned supreme in Opa,"Is that a bushel of...cinnamon rolls? And hot cross buns on-gasp-candy cane stems? Is that a whipped cream dandelion??"He was cruel,selfish and crazed with his own power.The people of Opa were quite literally taxed for walking on the street,for using the restroom.They could barely afford the meager supply of food that trickled out from behind the walls of his castle." I stopped ogling a croissant tree for a split second,"sounds like a right bastard," back to ogling while he continues,voice grim as we walk along the path."Indeed,that he was.Glob waited for ten bitter years,honing his skills, incessantly practicing his
My eyes widened, almost taking over my entire face as I paddled and kicked the air.My hand brushed against a Freia and my vocal cords sprang into action."Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" I turned and flailed.Screamed and clawed at nothingness.Im not sure why I bothered since my body refused to obey me and kept right on rising."ULRIK!!" At this point I'm pinwheeling,still screaming,and getting more frantic by the second.I do a breast stroke in the air.A butterfly.Jumping jacks. Uncoordinated flapping around(thank God I'd put some tights on the night before).Nothing worked. "Judah,get down this istant." I barely heard him over my wildly beating heart and my rapid,short burst screaming."Don't you think I'm trying?!" I started to swim through the air,looked down and realised that my momentum was taking me off the path and steering me towards some-thankfully-normal looking pine trees.I also noticed a certain Tree Bear looking extremely annoyed and very inconvenienced walking beneath me."You need to quiet
Thwack,woosh,swat.That was the rhythm we walked to.Ukrik's big rod (really need to start phrasing this better so I don't sound like a perv) slapped a low hanging branch out of the way,-thwack-swept lower to part the long grass,-woosh-and I was constantly swatting at some very blood thirsty insects that kept nipping at my exposed skin.I'm beginning to regret ever wishing for the normal and familiar.Give me Godis any day.Throughout my scratching and grumbled curses,Ulrik told his tale."Glob knew that his victory would never be permanent unless he put other measures in place.To maintain dominion,he had to venture out of this realm and into yours.""I don't get it,why couldn't he just work his voodoo magic on his own people?"He grunted with his next thwack,forcing me to hop over the branch that fell.Which caused me to bump into his granite back and pretty much break my face."Holy pineapple on a stic
I hate snakes.In my brain they represent the epitome of evil.Satan himself was once a snake.They creep me all the way out,so it's safe to say I did a full on Usain Bolt transformation.At least in my head I did.In reality I'm not exactly athletic since my favorite past time is sitting in bed eating nutella and binge watching netflix.Constantly glancing back at them slithering relentlessly towards me didn't help either but I felt like little mouse prey and these things were enormous, looking like they vacationed in Hell.Ulrik, meanwhile has his staff in the air,swirling it around as if he's mixing lemonade and doing a weird jig."Is this really the time to cut loose?!" I asked incredulously.What on earth is he doing? These things can probably swallow me whole and consider me an appetizer.Ulrik might break a few teeth though so I can picture that before I'm completely digested.Wait,do snakes even have teeth?Ulrik ignores me and conti
Deep breath Judah.You've kicked Keanu's ass a bunch of times.Of course,to be fair,those were mainly pillow fights and paint ball battles but still.I do a mental shrug.Roll my shoulders.I try to crack the bones in my neck too but I think they're too lubricated from the grease of all the fried crap I eat so that's a fail.Back to my internal pep talk.You can do this.You've got this Judah.I've got about ten minutes to repent of my sins is what I've got.My heart accelerates,it's frantic beat echoing in my head and my breathing gets heavy.Ah man,I don't want to die.I can feel myself start to sweat.Wait,nope,aiming for a badass transformation here.If I can become Usain Bolt then Jean Grey shouldn't be too much of a stretch right? I close my eyes and focus on my breathing.I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face,the gentle sway of the flowers brushing against my nightgown.Beneath me the ground trembles and in the distance my ears pick