Sorry

Ciara's pov

I didn't feel like going up to my room after I heard their conversation. If only my heart could allow me to leave him, I'll do it right away. I won't hesitate to leave this house and never turn my back again on him. I want to unlove him, but there's no such thing. It's so hard that I just want to die to stop myself from struggling.

But it was my heart that kept stopping me from leaving him. My heart wanted me to stay here and bear all the pain I was experiencing. It's toxic, I know. But what could you do if you loved someone so much that you wanted to take everything at risk just to be with him?

Am I the only one who's like this? Or does someone understand how I feel? It's hard and I felt so sorry for the person who has the same situation as me.

I let my body drop on the bed and did not complain about the pain when I finally felt them as I let my body rest. I didn't mind those wounds and bruises on my body that were aching.

Is there anything more painful than the facts I have heard and seen today? Is there any more pain than the fact that your husband was so comfortable bringing his woman into your house while his wife was struggling and locked up in the abandoned room? It's so funny that he never hesitated to hurt me, and still dares to make it look like I'm not worthy of him, that even if we're married, I can't do anything if he wants to get married to someone else.

I once again remembered Tyron’s face earlier on how happy he was to be with and talk to the woman he loved. When will I be able to feel those? When will I get a chance to see his genuine smiles that I am the reason behind?

Maybe, the moment I was already laying on the white bed, peacefully sleeping with a cold and lifeless body.

Unluckily, I won't see his smile because I can't open my eyes anymore at that time.

I chuckled, a pain was so visible as I forcedly smiled as I thought of the reason, maybe that's the truth. He would be so happy to see me lying down and lifeless, wouldn't he? Instead of tears, he'll just stare at me with his victorious smile.

I got up from lying on the bed and went in front of my drawer as I took the first aid kit to start cleaning and treating the wounds on my body. Carefully and one by one.

"Ah!" I moaned when I felt the pain as I unintentionally pressed the cotton hard on my knee. I felt like tearing up not because of the pain, but because I can't fight back even if I have a right and I know I can.

But every time my conscience eats me up because of the thought that I ruined his life, I stop myself from fighting back. Thought that I deserve this because I became so impulsive in my life, ruining someone's life for my happiness. Isn't that unfair to him? He's there getting excited and can't stop thinking about kneeling in front of his girlfriend not knowing on that day, he'll be tied to someone else, to someone he doesn't know and love, he'll be tied to me. To someone so selfish like me.

And now here I am, facing all my consequences for being selfish in life. Got hurt physically and secretly suffered mentally because of my health. This karma is something, I only made a mistake once in my life but the punishment was so terrible and unacceptable, really death? Isn't this too much, Lord? Or is it still not enough? Am I that kind for you to take my life back so early? 

I sighed. Stop being so dramatic, Ciara. You wanted this, so bear with it.

"You're so weak and lame, can't you just walk properly without falling?" I talked to myself as I stared at my wounds. I remember those times when I can't stand properly anymore whenever he was hurting me.

"I didn't know how he turned his love back, a countless amount of wounds and unbearable pain." Suddenly, my voice became so down and gloomy, while tracing my body through the body mirror.

'If I ever leave him, will my life be peaceful like others? Will I get the freedom I was longing for? Will I get the contentment that I can only find in him? Will I be able to get the happiness and comfort I was not so sure that I can feel for anyone but only for him?

I want to start my life, but I don’t want to leave him all alone. I can't stand cutting my strings to him.

But she's not alone, Ciara. Have you forgotten that the one he really loves is already beside him again? and if you continue letting yourself look like a fool and stupid, you will probably be the one left behind because he is getting married, while you, still there hoping that he will love you, even if it's so obvious that he doesn't care about you at least a single chance.

Tears filled in my eyes.

Even so, I still can’t leave him. Even though I had so many reasons to leave, I really couldn’t just do it. Even his treatment doesn't go well with me, and he keeps pushing me away because he doesn't want to be with me, I won't give up that easily. I will still choose to stay by his side.

"And even if he marries someone else, I still won't turn my back on him." I gently wiped away my tears when they ran down my cheeks.

I will stay by his side, as long as I can. Martyr if martyrs, they don't know how it feels to love someone you don't want to let go of. I will keep all the promises I told him before in front of the altar, even though I know he doesn't take it seriously.

I picked up the small box that was placed on top of the papers inside the drawer. I stared at it for a moment and slowly opened it as I remembered how we got married on that day. It's still clear to my memory how I was so genuinely happy knowing that I'll be able to reach and hold the hand of the man of my dreams. I'll be able to get married to the man I was just watching and adoring from afar. Even if I knew he had a girlfriend that day, I still forced my parents to set us up in a business marriage.

And now that the business they were holding in our family was done, he can now do whatever he wanted to do to me. He can even hurt me, and always tells me that this marriage was only for the business and nothing more.

Yeah, I'm only for business purposes. He married me for business.

I immediately wiped away my tears when something dripped down on my cheek again.

A one-sided love.

I didn't know you were this hurt. So much hurt that I needed to risk my life too because I was the only one who wanted us to get married. I am the only one who feels something for him and I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. 

I was in such a situation when I heard a gentle knock on my door, so I immediately wiped the tears from my cheeks when unexpectedly someone knocked on my door.

I quickly looked at my door to find out who that person was, I even forced myself to smile when I finally faced where my door was, but my tiny smile quickly disappeared and was replaced by shock when I saw who it was.

"H-hi?" She shyly greeted me when she entered my room. My lips loosen up because I didn't expect to see her here.

What is she doing here?

"A-ah.." I can't look at her properly because I don't feel comfortable seeing her around me. The fact that I just heard their conversation earlier hurts me, and now that she's here in front of me, it hurts me even more, and felt like my self-esteem was fading.

"Why are you here?" My voice cracked as I asked her.

"I'm sorry, I just got lost. I was wandering around and then I saw your room, the door was open, so I thought of entering. I didn't expect to see you here. I'm sorry, I don't know. " She apologized, shyness and guilt were so visible in her eyes. I can even feel the agony in her when we met. I tried to smile at her.

Why is she looking at me as if she wants to say sorry? Why is she acting like this in front of me? Doesn't she feel angry right now because she sees me? Does she see the person who broke them apart?

"No, it's fine. D-don't be sorry.. you did nothing." I forced myself to look fine, even though I was stuttering a lot and seemed to not be so comfortable talking to her while I’m suppressing my emotions.

Why can't she just leave? She's hurting me. It hurts me a lot that after all, she's acting so kind in front of me that I wanted to feel furious towards her but I can't because this is how she acts. She's so kind...

I felt her walking closer to me, so I averted my gaze from her.

"I-I'm sorry.." I immediately raised my head to look at her when I heard the crack of its voice. I noticed that she was looking at my body full of bruises and wounds, so I quickly covered it all with my hands.

"Huh? D-don't be. Stop apologizing for things you didn't even do. You're not the ones at fault for this so don't be sorry. Don't worry, I'm fine!" I pretended and tried to hide the pain by smiling to show her that I was fine. She doesn't need to pity me because I'm doing alright, I'm fine.

She lowered her head, "I'm sorry. It’s my fault why you’re experiencing this kind of life. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't forced Tyron to come back to me, even though I knew he was already married to you. I'm really sorry." Her apology made my heart clench because I can sense that she meant her apology and she didn't intend to hurt me and put me in this situation.

Of course, it's not her fault, it's mine. I choose this so why would she be sorry. I'm the one who must be sorry to her because she wouldn't need to do this, sharing Tyron with me if I didn't become selfish.

"No, no. Please, don't say that, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything bad, it's just that he's mad at me. He hated me.. your husband despises me a lot that's why he's doing this to me. A-and... I'm not complaining because I know I deserve this. I chose this." I tried to keep my voice straight and clear as I also tried to stop myself from being emotional. I can't be weak. I need to be strong, I need to show her I'm okay.

Unexpectedly, she shook her head, disagreeing with all that I said, "of course, you don't deserve this, no one deserves to be treated like this. Either way, your feelings are valid and you need to take care of your mental health, you should have not let him do this to you. And stop giving your property, he's your husband, not mine. Whatever you heard earlier, don't believe that. Between us, you're the legal one here. You're the one who has more rights so fight for it. You should know that." She said,

"What's not to believe from it? It's so clear to me how he loves you.. and please. Stop acting so kind in front of me, i-it's hurting me. My guilt was eating me up every time you talked to me as if I hadn't done something. That's why you both end up in this situation. O-one more thing, stop comforting me... it's making it hard even more for me, the fact that you're both planning to marry soon. It's breaking me.. so please.. just leave and stop talking to me, it's not helping me." 

As I finally utter those words, I shut my eyes for a moment and looked up to stop the tears I was about to shed. It hurts, a lot, like a lot. 

"I told you not to believe whatever you heard in our conversation earlier. Honestly, I don't have an intention to marry him," she said and averted her eyes from me. Slowly my lips loosen.

"W-what do you mean?" 

"Even if I want to, it's still not possible, because he's already married to you. You're his wife and I will never be." She explained, but I shook my head showing her a disagreement.

"No, of course, it's possible. There is an annulment, it's easy. Then you... you are the one he loves. He was just forced to marry me so it would be easy if we just got divorced." I smiled forcedly, even though I was actually in so much pain. It's too heavy to handle. I also don’t know how I can manage to say how I feel without my tears dripping.

"I'm really sorry-" 

"Hannah?!" We were both taken aback and quickly turned around and immediately stood up when we heard Tyron’s terrifying voice. I felt like my body turned into a rock when I saw him glaring at me.

"Tyron/Hon." As we both spoke, Tyron pulled her away from me. My eyes landed on their intertwined hands. 

"What are you doing here?!" Tyron asked her with her high-toned, looking so furious while glaring at me.

"I'm just talking to her, there's nothing wrong with that!" She answered, eyebrows furrowed.

"You shouldn’t be talking to trash, come on!" And once again, Tyron pulled her as they left together, Hannah even glanced at me.

"Sorry,” she mouthed. I smiled forcedly and just sat on the bed when they finally disappeared from my sight. I felt the tears welling up that I had been holding back.

He thinks of me like rubbish, that's why he's treating me like trash.