CHASED

I have been living like this the whole time. Push and pull towards every potential people I have met, whether online or in real life. I had interest yet I don’t dare to involve myself in such great responsibilities and obligations.

And looking back, I had missed opportunities to love and to be loved. I cannot just afford them to have access to me, without me knowing their real motives. To manipulate me or to love me genuinely.

Since childhood, elementary days, I am picked out of five other grandchildren of our grandmother on my mother’s side to attend and be a companion, acting like a real daughter to my Lola. I received all the obligations. I am so focused on how hard obligations could get, like how my mother passed her obligation as a daughter to her mother, to how my grandmother passed her obligation to me as the duty towards her sick husband, and the obligation of a helper to attend to all of their mess.

At a young age, I was exposed to such dreaded obligations I don’t have a choice but to do it, just to be accepted.

I did all the chores for my grandparents. I did suffer at a young age. I was snatched out from the love my mother was supposed to give.

I acted like a meanie.

“Pinatay mo si mama!” My mom’s words in my grandmother’s wake. Accusing me of not taking good care of my Lola because she run away from that obligation and a poor child, me, tried to fill that up.

That words from mom scarred me deep and now I’m being chased again. Should I run away? And quit life like how I carelessly run on the artesian well and lost my left eye before?

++

I have lived like this. I choose my obligations, and no one should impose them on me. In college, you’ll pretty much mind a few potential guys. Whether online or in real-life interactions, you’ll over-think as to what might happen after knowing a little about the person, there’s this arising question all the time, should I take risks? Should I take the obligation? Should I just carelessly jump to the waters to test it?

I am haunted by what my parents did. I am afraid that if testing waters is okay, why would a young child suffers from all the traumas, from all the painful words, deprived of love, blames herself for not doing things like how a standard should be.

I am afraid of testing waters because if I can’t keep it up there will be out there, a young heart that will suffer.

++

Being in college sometimes bothers me. People are giving you mixed signals. People are making tabs to keep you interested as well. Vague. Vague people. I pretty much hate them.

1st semester is almost done. Now the university celebrates sports fest. The university had a lot of booths to tried with.

Jail Booth on the TED Lobby. You will be imprisoned if you had those things they ban when you walk past their territory.

The bail is pretty expensive for a hundred pesos allowance. 20 pesos to get out of the jail. However, since it is a Pol Sci Booth, the bail money is free if you recite the preamble.

This is cool! Since I had no money to waste, I recite the preamble of the 1987 constitution while holding a placard with my name on it and the violation I committed.

“We, the sovereign Filipino people, imploring the aids of Almighty God, in order to build a just and humane society, and established a government that shall embody our ideals and aspirations, promote the common good, conserve and develop our patrimony, and secure to ourselves and our posterity, the blessings of independence and democracy, under the rule of law and a regime of truth, justice, freedom, love, equality, and peace, do ordain and promulgate this constitution.” I confidently recited breathlessly.

That’s right. Professor Mort always said, if no one loves you if no potential person is worth your love, give it, always give it to your country.

Only a few have this type of love. Only a few had given love like this for the country. Others do it for money, but it takes a whole lot of courage to spend your life defending your people, defending your country from harm with your life at stake.

Peas with me, we began to take a look at the entire university. To feast our eyes with the colorful designs and to tap our feet with some live music every booth played.

“Jel may nagpapatatoo tara tayo din!” Peas tugged my arm and made me look at the booth with which most people are lined.

Ang Haba ng pila.

“Sige. Kaso mahaba pa pila ee. Later pag kumonti. Siguro pagtapos muna nating gumawa ng social experiment today para sa ethics punta na tayo sa lahat ng booth.” I suggested since malapit na rin pala deadline nun. Yun na daw magsisilbing final requirement namin sa subject ni sir Oliver.

“Okay then.Chat ko mga kagrupo natin para matapos tayo maaga tas mag-enjoy na!” Peas energetically said.

“Oh andyan na pala iba! Tara na sa may umbrella. Andoon na daw sila lyka at palma. Si rom nalang kulang pero malapit na daw sya.” Reported Peas.

“A’right. Upo muna tayo dun kasama nila at magplano sa gagawin habang hinihintay si rom.” I continued as I tugged Peas in the direction we are heading.

++

We were on our last shoot. Ang scene naman nito ay makikihiram ng phone si Palma sa stranger para maki chat. Nasa bandang hagdanan sila habang kami ni cess hawak ang cam at nakapwesto sa railing.

The experiment went good and Palma said thank you. We, groups, discussed for the last time na ang mga scenes na nakuha sa iba’t ibang booth ay ieedit nalang, isesend nalang ni palma video since phone na gamit sa pagrecord. We bid our goodbyes after and wish them to enjoy the whole event of the university.

“Tara jel, rom patatoo na tayo!!!” Si Peas habang patalon-talon.

“Sure ka ba Peas? Andyan crush mo oh.” nguso ni rom sa baba lang ng railing na pinagppwestuhan namin.

Napatingin kaming dalawa ni Peas. And there Asterio and Sir Abe talking and taking pictures with the engineering girls.

“hehe let’s stay for a while muna pala” Peas said as she leans more on the railing.

Jeez, this lady.

The stealing glances are on run again, I wonder if cess knew? Or does she do? And that fuels her to admire Asterio more? However, her facial expressions prove me wrong. She’s frowning. Getting all worked out with the other girls clung on Asterio.

She’s jealous.

“Tara na nga jel, rom. Sakit naman sa mata.” She turned her back. I and ram just shrugged it off and followed Peas.

++

We decided to enter the booth of Psychology students. We played different mind games that have psychological meanings. We had fun. Peas buy tints. We Rom are munching the free candies and biscuits every booth gave.

Pahapon na rin at panghuli naming pinuntahan ay booth pa rin ng psych student in which going inside you were blindfolded. And instructors inside remind us to just listen to voices that we feel most. Follow the voice as you hold a rope above your head. A trail. Who knew what those all voices head us to.

I said okay with them. Then the session started. Sabay-sabay na boses ang pumailan-lang. And I just followed what speaks to me.

“P*TNGINA WALA KA NG MAGANDANG GINAWA!”

“WALA KANG KWENTA”

“ANG MABUTI PA’Y LUMAYAS KA”

“DI KA NAMAN KAILANGAN DITO”

“TUMIGIL KA NA MAG-ARAL! WALA KA DIN NAMANG AWA SA AMIN”

“DI KA NAMIN MAHAL”

“MAMATAY KA NALANG”

“PINATAY MO LOLA MO!”

Sa huling lubid na hawak ko, doon tumulo lahat ng luha. I was assisted by the people out there. Tinanggal nila ang blindfold. Babae ang bumungad sa akin. She has the soft look. She smiled at me with a hint of pity in her eyes.

“Napunta ka sa dulo ng lubid na ito dahil sa mga masasakit na salita mong pinakikinggan. It must have been tough. I am sorry you got to experience such.” she said with a soft reassuring voice.

I cried.

“I don’t know what to do. Help me.” I asked desperately.

“ I, I tried to be okay with it. I endure all those hardships by myself. I can’t seem to tell my friends about it. They might leave me, they might resent me if they know I am the reason why my Grandmother died.” I cried and cried begging to be saved.

“Everywhere I go, I am chased with guilt from what I did from the past. I don’t know how to get away with it. I regret being chosen to attend to all my grandparents needed. At a young age I was tasked to do the laundry of my lolo. Napilay kasi sya noong umakyat sya ng puno ng saging ng lasing. Di sila okay ng lola kaya ako ang nag-aalaga kay lolo. Ako ang naglalaba sa mga damit ni lolong may mga dumi nya. Ako ang nagtatapon ng ihi at tae nya. Ako ang nagtititis sa mga masasamang amoy. Ako ang gumigising ng madaling araw para pumunta sa ilog. Habang ang ibang kapatid ko’y mahimbing pang natutulog. Ako kasi lahat eh. Ang bata ko pa pero na sa akin pinasa lahat ng responsibiilidad. Nagpatuloy yun hanggang sa tumuntong ako ng third year high school. Nagkasakit na naman ang lola. Naninilaw ang mga balat, haka-haka’y dahil sa pagpapahilot nya ng tiyan. May ulcer ang lola. Nandoon ako nung hinilot ang tiyan nya. Sinisigawan ako pag palagi kong nakakalimutan bilhin gamot nya. Kung nakakalimutan kong bumili ng tsaa nya na sehat badan. Pagod na pagod na ako sa lahat ng responsibilidad sa eskwela, idagdag pa oblisgasyon na dapat di ko naman dapat pinoproblema. Si Mama dapat ang nandito. Hindi ako. Ayoko na. 

..Ilang buwan ding naospital ang lola. Inaamin kong sumaya ako. Wala na akong masyadong responsibilidad na kailangang gampanan. Si mama na ang nagbabantay sa kanya sa ospital. Pero balik na naman sa dati pagkatapos ng tatlong buwan. Umuwi sila mama galing ospital. Ang sabi’y di na daw kaya ng gamutan. May taning na ang buhay ni lola.”

Suminghot singhot ako para pigilan ang pag-iyak. Hawak kamay akong pinapatahan ng babae. Encouraging me to continue.

“... nasa akin na naman ang responsibilidad. Ako na naman ang nagtatapon at naglalaba ng lahat ng dumi. Isang araw ako inutusan ni mama na paliguan si lola…”

“... nung paupo na sya binitawan ko na. Natumba sya at halatang iniinda ang pagkabagsak. Nasaktan ko ang lola. Ang pumayat na katawan nya, sa paglalakad naririnig ko ang pag galaw ng mga buto.”

“Umiyak si lola. Umiyak sya. Kasalanan ko. Nasaktan ko sya. Dumating si mama at sinigawan ako. Wala na nga akong kwenta, sinasaktan ko pa lola ko. Kinabukasan kinausap ako ni lola, palagi nya akong hinahanap. Ayaw nyang maiwan mag-isa. Na hindi ko magawa. Isang araw bago sya mawala, binitawan nya ang katagang “day jel, tsaka mo na ako iwan pag wala na ako” Hanggang sa araw ng libing nya, sakin sinisisi ang lahat. Wala akong kwenta, ako pa ang dahilan ng pagkamatay ng lola.”

Hagulhol na ang ginawa ko. Sobrang sakit. Tsaka ko lang naappreciate lahat ng effort ni lola. Sya ang nagagalit pag tinatama mga pagkakamali ko noon, na di ko man lang nakita kasi bulag ako sa galit, sa inggit, bakit sa dinami-dami naming apo, bakit ako pa? Bakit ako ang napili nya?

Lola get’s angry with me because I haven’t bought her medicine, but she made efforts na ipadala ang baon kong nakalimutan sa mga kakilala nyang nag-aaral din sa paaralan ko. Lagi nya akong iniiwanan ng makakain pag-uwi ko galing sa eskwela. Lagi nya akong tinitimplahan ng gatas.

Bakit ako pa la? Bakit di ko napansin agad? Nasaktan pa kita la. Sorry po. I’m sorry.

Habang buhay kong dadalhin ang sakit na to. Kasalanan ko ang lahat. Sorry la. Mahal na mahal pala kita. Patawad kung kailan nawala ka, tsaka ko lang napagtanto. Sorry po. I’m sorry.

“here drink water. To tell you honestly hun, It’s not your fault. Don’t punish yourself for something that is bound to happen. Your Lola forgives you. She loves you. Let her go now. Let go of that guilt. You are loved, let her be in peace by making yourself happy.” Yan ang mga kataga ng babae bago nya ako bigyan ng number ng mga psychiatrist. Kung wala daw akong maka-usap, pwede din akong tumawag sa mga number na binigyan nya.

I don’t know. I don’t know if I can forgive myself po. I am bad. I am good being killed instead. I don’t deserve such genuine love like how my grandmother gave me. I don’t know back then since I was busy getting those from my own mom. I’m sorry la. I love you.

++

Lumabas kami ng booth gabi na. Peas welcomed me with a hug. She may be spotted my puffy eyes. I hugged her back. 

We decided to sit on the benches in the quadrangle. We talked a lot about things. We laughed at how language barriers can be funny at times.

“HAHAHAHHA GAGI JEL ANO YUNG SITAW NA VIOLET? NABUGBOG?” Si rom habang si Peas hagikhik na ang ginagawa.

These ladies really had a knack of humor yeah?

At the stage there was a singing contest ongoing. Such talents, I wish I had one ahahha.

We three change places and we settled sitting on the ground facing the stage.

And there again. I spotted Asterio. Mysteriously looking at us.

“Si Asterio Pes, nakatingin sa’yo.” I faced Peas. “ on our 9 o’clock.” I added.

She sighed. “enough motivation for tonight. I’m sated.”

Much more than being chased. I agreed.

++