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CHAPTER 155
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A vow of hate CHAPTER 156
CHRISTIANI wheeled through the house, the quiet around me unsettling. Hazel had cleaned up the kitchen, the spilled milk gone, all evidence of my family being there, gone. It felt empty—much like my heart did at the moment. The Keurig machine was low enough I could reach it, a mug already in place for me. I knew without looking, when I opened the fridge, the cream would be in reach. Food I liked would be at eye level, easily accessible. She made every effort to ensure I had what I needed. She tried so hard to give me what she thought was necessary. I thought of the angry words I had thrown at her. The way I had snapped at Valerie. My impatience with my helpless toddler who needed to be fed. I had failed them all yet again. They were better off without me. If I couldn’t be the Christian I used to be, they would all be better off without me. I rolled myself back down the hall, not interested in food or coffee, and stared out the window at the backyard. The water of the pool glimm
A vow of hate CHAPTER 157
After Grandpa had left, I rolled around the house aimlessly, unsure what to do with myself now that I had finally gotten what I asked for. Silence. I used the elevator I hated and went upstairs, sitting in the doorway of the nursery, staring at the empty crib. Across the hall, Valerie’s room was an explosion of pink and white. Stuffed animals were piled high on her canopy bed. She loved it when I would stretch out on the mattress, and she would lie on my chest as I read to her. An ache began in my heart, and I had to move away from the doorway. The door to our room stood open and I wheeled in, immediately hit with Hazel’s soft floral scent. It was everywhere. Soaked into the very essence of the room. I stared at the bed. The adjustments she made so I could sleep there beside her at night. The lift board I loathed that helped get me onto the mattress. The special equipment in the bathroom. Everything she had done to help me. All of which emasculated me to the point I couldn’t even to
A vow of hate CHAPTER 158
Footsteps headed in the direction of the den. They were far too heavy to be her footfalls, and I withheld my groan. Obviously, Grandpa was back. I steeled myself for his expression when he walked in and saw the destruction around me. It wasn’t his face that appeared in the doorway, though. “Mia?” I asked, shocked to see her. She strolled in, glancing around. “In the flesh.” She stopped, looking concerned. “What the hell are you doing on the floor? Are you hurt?” I ignored her question and gave her a onceover. She had on one of those knee high Valentino boots– that explained the heavy footsteps. “Help me up.” She pulled the wheelchair beside me and, with a grunt, hoisted me in. She wasn’t gentle, but I held my tongue. I was grateful to be off the floor. She stared at me until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke the silence. “What the hell are you doing here?” I narrowed my eyes. “Did Hazel call you?” She pushed a pile of debris off the chair and sat do
A vow of hate CHAPTER 159
I spent a restless night, finally dozing off at dawn. I woke up to sounds of things being moved and Maddox’s booming voice downstairs directing whatever was happening below me. I pulled myself up, glancing at the empty spot beside me. It felt like I had never slept in this room alone until last night. I didn’t like waking up without Hazel. The sheets were cold and empty, echoing the feeling in my chest. I ran my hand over her pillow and held it to my face, inhaling deeply. I could smell her fragrance deep in the fibers, which increased my longing for her. I reached for my phone and stared at it, my fingers hovering over the screen. I had no idea what to say to Hazel. I knew I needed to apologize and to tell her what was going on, but after the way I spoke to her yesterday and the look of devastation on her face, I knew it wasn’t enough. My words and actions had cut deep—not just yesterday, but since I woke up in the hospital. I had put up walls and shut down on her, effectively
A vow of hate CHAPTER 160
Leaning back against the headboard, I groaned. My body ached. Muscles I didn’t know I had ached. Maddox was relentless. I pushed on my thigh, amazed at the twinge I felt as I pressed. I hadn’t said anything to Maddox, worried it was a different sort of sensation, but for the first time since waking up in the hospital, I felt a small glimmer of hope. It gave me the courage to reach out to my wife. The pain I feared happened with every new routine, but it faded as we went along. I never knew when it would hit, but Maddox watched me closely, making notes. I had no idea what he was keeping track of, yet I knew when he was ready, he would tell me. I dialed Hazel’s number, tension radiating through my body. It had been three days of silence from her. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone three days without speaking to my wife. I needed to hear her voice. “Hello,” she answered, her voice quiet and cool. “Ah, hi. It’s me. Christian,” I sputtered, sounding like an idiot.
A vow of hate CHAPTER 161
All my days became the same. Strengthening, stretching, weights. I worked until sweat poured down my back and exhaustion set in. I was grateful to be dumped in the pool, the cool liquid surrounding me. I was weightless suspended in the water and, for that brief period, almost felt normal.“Randy will be here in an hour. I’ve booked you a massage after that.” Maddox informed me. “Do I really need one?” He nodded. “I’ve been working you hard. You need some deep tissue work and frankly, Christian, I’d rather not do it.”I chuckled. “Me too, MadDog. You already have your hands on me enough.” He snickered, and for a few moments, I floated blissfully. “Holy fuck, it’s working.” Mia said. “Told you.” Maddox answered with a smug expression on his face. I looked between them. “What are you talking about?” “Look down. Your feet are moving.” I ducked my head and peered into the water. It was more of a twitch, but my feet did move. “Holy fuck,” I repeate
A vow of hate CHAPTER 162
Hazel loved the spa. She sent pictures of them all enjoying the treatments, sipping champagne, even funny ones of Valerie getting a baby massage and having her toes done with the girls, holding up a glass of apple juice. They made me smile, even as my heart ached. I sent flowers to the hotel for Hazel. I added a box of her preferred chocolates. When she went back to mom and Grandpa’s, I sent a chef to make her favorite meal. A basket of bath products to indulge her love of soaking in the tub. I sent it with a stuffed bear, fluffy and cute with a card attached, reading: "Snuggle this until you’re home. I’ll take his place when you’re ready. All my love—Your Christian". One night, lying in our bed alone, I turned on some music. I shut my eyes and listened as the soothing voice of Neil Diamond played in the darkness. A song came on, and for some reason, the lyrics hit me as they never had before. “The Story of My Life” spoke of the depth of his love for the woman in his life
A vow of hate CHAPTER 163
HAZELChristian lifted his face from my neck, his eyes red, his cheeks damp. I had never witnessed him break down that way. The rare occasions when he cried, he still held himself in check, his pride unable to allow even me to fully see his pain. I grabbed the tissues Maddox had dropped beside us and wiped Christian’s face, cupping his cheeks. “Hey,” I whispered, looking up at him from where I crouched between his legs. “I guess I lost the last piece of my man card with that display,” he mumbled.“I doubt it. Maddox was openly weeping before you even finished walking, and Mia had to leave the room.” He frowned in confusion. “Why?” “They’re as proud of you as I am, Christian.” “Where are they?” “Maddox made sure you were back in your chair, and they left. I heard the car driving away, so I assumed they left to give us some privacy.” He looked down, surprised. “I have no recollection of being moved.” I softened my voice. “You were pretty emotional.”
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