CHAPTER 156

CHRISTIAN

I wheeled through the house, the quiet around me unsettling. Hazel had cleaned up the kitchen, the spilled milk gone, all evidence of my family being there, gone. It felt empty—much like my heart did at the moment. The Keurig machine was low enough I could reach it, a mug already in place for me. I knew without looking, when I opened the fridge, the cream would be in reach. Food I liked would be at eye level, easily accessible. She made every effort to ensure I had what I needed. She tried so hard to give me what she thought was necessary. I thought of the angry words I had thrown at her. The way I had snapped at Valerie. My impatience with my helpless toddler who needed to be fed. I had failed them all yet again. They were better off without me. If I couldn’t be the Christian I used to be, they would all be better off without me.

I rolled myself back down the hall, not interested in food or coffee, and stared out the window at the backyard. The water of the pool glimm