My careers now on track, my life is moving forward and I’m order to stop Mark continuing to affect my life, I’ve decided it’s time to jump back on the dating wagon. But I haven’t practiced any self love since that night and my waistline shows it. My love-life will never get off the ground unless I endeavour to become thinner. Scott looks at me as if I am certifiably insane when I share this conclusion with him. I then explain that there is some logic behind the theory and I am not simply some Hello magazine-reading idiot who is obsessed with the size of her thighs, at which he points out that I love Hello magazine and spend more time contemplating the circumference of my legs than most people do inhaling oxygen. My argument is this: first, had I the bum of a seventeen-year-old gymnast champion and a washboard stomach that made Kate Hudson look like a pork-pie addict, I would radiate a level of self-assurance that would be irresistibly attractive. Secondly, were I possessed of such
Do you know those apartments in Changing Rooms with elegant soft furnishings, hand-made decorative items and room schemes that showcase striking colours with clean lines? Well, our apartment is nothing like those. I’d like it to be. It’s just never worked out like that, despite my considerable efforts. When we moved in, fired up with creative zeal, I attempted in earnest to recreate such a look. Only, when I painted the hall a deep shade of mustard, it looked brown. So I painted over it with ‘Blush’ and that looked brown too. I followed with a ‘Corn’, a ‘Yellow Meadow’ and an ‘Olive’, but the most appealing shade I ever managed just looked like the unwashed shorts of a dirty Boy Scout. When Scott pointed out that the walls mightn’t withstand much more, I went for broke and painted it ‘Duck Egg’. Every time I walk in now, I feel as if I’m being committed to a prison cell. Still, we’ve learned to live with it. The other reason our apartment is some way off those in Changing Rooms is
I’m so excited about Project Scott, I’m almost tempted to bring proceedings forward and rearrange my date with Jake tonight. But Dani’s out anyway, with a wealthy older man she’s been seeing recently, and Katie and her boyfriend Ryan have gone to the cinema. Besides, we couldn’t do it properly on a Friday night.Instead, we have the whole of tomorrow in which to hit the shops and begin Scott’s reinvention. Consequently, I have stuck to Plan A and arrived at the shabby-but-trendy bar where Jake and I arranged to meet. Judging by how sexy he looks when he walks in, it was the right decision.“Emma, how are you?” He smiles as he approaches me at the bar. Jake is a lecturer in Social Studies (whatever that means), so as well as having a bum I could keep under observation all day, he’s a chatty man too. He’s wearing fitted jeans, vintage trainers and a T-shirt showing off biceps that could have been inflated with a tyre pump. I’ve dressed in what could be the first thing to fall out of my
Dani looks as if she’s bitten a rotten apple and washed it down with lighter fluid. “That’s very weird and creepy.”She, Katie and I have hit the shops with Scott to begin his makeover. “I mean it,” continues Dani, frenziedly rifling through a rail of sweaters. “One phone call from his mother would have been suspicious. You deserve a medal to have lasted as long as you did.”I shrug. “I definitely won’t be seeing him again, that’s for sure.”“It just seems so unfair,” sighs Katie.“But, it wasn’t just the thing with his mother,” I complain. “I couldn’t understand a bloody word he was saying. And that was when he was talking about the plays I’ve seen. When he got onto Roger Vitrac and Power to the Children he could have been speaking Cantonese.”“Oh hell,” says Katie, concerned. “Don’t worry, Emma. I’m sure you’ve just been unlucky.”This is what she says after all my dates, but I don’t point it out. Besides, unfettered optimism must come easily when you’ve got a love-life like Katie’s
Scott isn’t the type of customer that the award winning and terrifyingly on trend salon GQ is used to. Even I feel intimidated, and unlike Scott, I haven’t got hair that could be home to several endangered species of wild bugs. Everyone here looks so perfect that they must get up at the crack of dawn just to style themselves. I only make it two steps into the salon before I dig out my beanie hat and pull it on my head, making sure to tuck in any loose strands so nobody can see them. It isn’t even that cold outside, despite it being early February, and it’s even warmer in the salon. But without it on, I have a sudden fear that I may be mistaken for a homeless person. After spending the whole morning shopping, Dani and Katie have left Scott in my capable hands for this part of the process. We plan to regroup this evening. We’re shown to the back of the salon, where we sit and wait like obedient school children outside the headmistresses office. “Aww honey. There’s no point trying to
Our next stop is the opticians down the street. “I feel a bit odd, looking like this,” Scott tells me as we walk down the street.“A good odd, I hope.”“I don’t know. I think so. But I feel weird in these clothes. Do you think I look odd?” “Nope.”“Not even a little bit?”I stop walking and look at him. “Scott, can I tell you something?” “Anything.”“You looked odd before. You don’t look odd now.”“Really?” He questions as he too stops walking. “You really think I looked that bad?”I feel guilty and worry that I’ve hurt his feelings. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. “Not bad exactly.”“But odd?” “No. Well…. A little.”“Why didn’t you tell me?”“I didn’t think it bothered you. Kind of like I know my cheap ugg boot knock-offs look weird but I wear them anyway.”“It didn’t bother me because I never knew.”I bite my lip and ponder as I start to walk again. “Maybe I should have started this better.”“No. Don’t feel bad. Please,” he insists. “Emma, I’m actually glad this is happ
I’m due my routine visit home. And honestly, it never fails to amaze me how little their house has changed over the years. My mum might have replaced her curtain nets with Venetian blinds and what was once the mini bar is now a log burner, but the house still holds little trinkets from the past that I can’t comprehend when they haven’t been thrown out. There’s a limited edition Coronation Street ornamental plate, and some ugly figurine lady, and they even have some of their wedding gifts displayed. “Well hello stranger,” my mum says as I walk in. It’s been literally two days over my usual visit time and she acts like she’s forgotten who I am. As per usual my mums pottering about dusting and cleaning surfaces that are already clean enough to eat off. “What have you been up to? We haven’t seen you for a month,” she says. “It’s been nine days, mother. But I’ve been super busy at work, I had a make it or break it presentation and I think I’ve done well,” I tell her as I slump onto the
“How long until they get here?” Scott shouts from the hallway.“Maybe ten minutes,” I answer as I take a bottle of wine from the fridge and pour a glass. I mark down another sin on my slimming world chart that I made. I know that my glass probably contains three sins but I’ve decided that because wine is made from grapes which are a fruit, then two points don’t count surely. “How aren’t you ready yet?” I call to Scott, he’s been getting ready for ages. “You don’t need to go to too much trouble tonight. We’re only acting out being a love god.” “I know,” he says as his face appears at the kitchen door. “I know you’re not letting me loose on the female population yet, but I thought it’d be nice to demonstrate that I’ve made some progress.”“It’s nice to see that you’re getting into the spirit,” I tell him as I turn to face him. “Oh!”“What’s wrong?” He asks me.“What have you done to your hair?” I gasp in horror.Instead of the messy and sexy, just showered and natural look, it looks a