I've always hated quick endings. It's one of the reasons why I'm obsessed with goodbye's and closure. I believe that you should pull out of situations slowly giving yourself time to adjust. Pulling out too quickly will leave you bereft with absolutely nothing to fall back on. Like when my father left us. He had been leaving home and rarely coming back more and more. It took me a while to understand that maybe he was finally preparing himself to leave. But one thing is for sure, with every long month's end trip he took we slowly got used to his absence. Every single time till that very day. I could see the determination in his eyes when he told me he was going on a business trip. His suitcase was larger than all the ones he had previously taken and there was a lingering look of sadness as he smoothed Annie Marie's hair and kissed her forehead. So, when my mum didn't get up to follow him because they had fought last night about his prolonged trips and how he hasn't been there for u
LUKAMy thighs were burning from exhaustion, my feet were too tired to carry me at this point and my heart was beating erratically, but I kept running. The cold wind whipped around in my ear and all I could see in front of me was more space to run. When my lungs finally felt like it could burst, I stopped and grabbed the railing beside the walkway I was running on and gasped for breath. I tapped my Apple watch to see how far I've come and it was a whole lot. I'm very far from home. So what now, Luka? Did running so hard this morning do anything to quell the unease in your gut or the fear that gripped your chest every time you thought about her? Did it in anyway help you feel better from feeling like an ass through out the night for not consoling her about the stupid pregnancy rumors or even attempt to clear your head? Cause you know you're the one who is messed up. So messed up you can't just accept this and move on with someone you really want to be with.Leaving the house way
LUKAThe party was still in full swing when I got back inside. It was the only other place I had to go since she had asked me not come. I passed by a group of wild students playing beer pong and grabbed a bottle of beer on the way before returning back to where I was sitting. They were sitting in a circular fashion with the chairs rearranged and a bottle on the table in the center. My seat beside Erica had been occupied by someone else and the only spare place to sit was opposite her and I took it. It would save me the stress of answering her question about where I've been anyway. They were playing spin the bottle game but I tipped my head against the head rest and closed my eyes barely interested. The only indication that I'm not asleep was the bottle of beer that I was drinking from. There was a storm going on inside of me. The kind that used to drive me to get into fights, but today I'm finding out that I didn't have the strength. I deserved to let it tear me up from the insid
They say time flies when you're having fun but the opposite of it should be that it slows when you're waiting. Because there is no way in hell time flies when you're doing nothing. I mean, just look at me. I'm a living example that all time does when you wait is crawl, giving anxiety more room to claw at your nerves and regret every choice you've made. At first I had hoped that he was going to come, so I put on the TV and waited. Then fashionable late became explanaible late and turned in to just late, when I could no longer come up with excuses to give on his behalf. With every tick of the clock, it dawned on me that I had made a big mistake coming down here to live when everything was not solved.I had an idea it was a mistake so far living here but now it seems like a giant mess. Because this is my last hope at a fighting chance. When my stomach started rumbling because I haven't had anything all day I decided to start with the fruits, before working up my way to the cake. I
"What time is it?" I held my head trying to hold it in place, feeling like it could split into two and look around searching for Joey but coming up empty. That means I slept here alone last night. I get up on wobbly feet and make it to the toilet. I grabbed the bedpost and door on my way before finally emptying my full bladder. When I finished, I stood in front of the mirror to wash my hand in front of the wash hand basin and I gasped in horror. I look like shit. I feel like shit too. My hair was sticking everywhere and there was a line of spit near my mouth. My eyes were red and my eyes have dark stubble underneath. I also smelled like booze, and a strange perfume I won't usually wear. .I cupped my hand under the sink to scoop some water to wash my face. I stood there for a while leaning over the sink as the events of yesterday night slowly trickled in; leaving Bella hanging, the darned party, going to the closet with Erica and getting back here only to drink some more. I n
She didn't leave right? Her stuff was still here so where was she? I'm tired of just waiting at this point. So I pick my keys and wear my slides and my coat and head out. I try the local basketball gym first, then her school, the shelter where the dog was, the store, the cinema, and all of them came back empty. I finally decided to head home. Maybe she was back home after all. It's almost 10pm at night but she still wasn't back home. I dialed Paula twise and when she picked on the fourth ring I yelled out, "where the fuck have you been?" She must have been taken aback by the way I spoke because she chuckled dryly, "well, hello to you too brother." I breathe loudly trying to calm myself down and sit down even though I couldn't help drumiing my feet on the floor. "Is Bella with you?" There was a slight pause like she didn't understand what I meant so I repeated it. "Is Bella by any chance at your place or do you know where she is?" "No. It's almost a 4 hours train ride down here.
LUKA"Did you see this girl here at the night of the party?" I asked, feeling my head pound. The red eyed boy who was barely listening to us answered, "No." "Damn it, you didn't even look at the picture," I grabbed him at the shoulder to shake him and I must have caught him off guard because then he peered back into my phone. "Relax man. You know how these college parties go. I'm not sure, I remember what happened that night, remembering someone I saw is a far stretch." "Yes but you should slow down on the drugs then," Paula dragged me away from him knowing that I was close to my breaking point. "Screaming at him isn't going to change anything. I need you to calm down." "I can't fucking calm down Paula. It's been two days. I'm at the end of the rope and it feels like I'm losing my mind. It feels like Bella getting kidnapped over and over again and I don't know what is wrong with her and it's like living close to an edge knowing that you're going down very fast. And I can't breath
BELLAPain; An unpleasant emotional or sensory experience that is associated with actual or potential damage. While unpleasant, pain is actually protective. It lets us know that we are alive, tells us when to run from danger or how much of it could kill us. They say there is a very thin line between pain and pleasure but there is a much more thinner line between pain and nothingness, a place where you retreat into where pain can't touch you. How much pain can a human take before you find out that enough is enough and drive down the ledge. I watched my mom from my position on the bed where I was propped up with my leg hanged up to a suspension kit and rods and metals hanging out from it as indication of the restriction they did on my femur. I had an open fracture of the femur bone, I also broke one rib that pierced my lung and had me unconscious for a few days but everything has been resolved except for my thigh. It will take approximately 6-12 weeks for my thigh to remain in this