*Jane*Not again. This is not happening again. The first time was a forgivable offense, but I hate how this feels like it’s becoming a habit. The second Noah walks away from me, I give myself a few seconds to feel hurt before I turn on my heel and leave. I remember his words from the night before. That apology rings empty now in the face of what he just said. I get pressure and stress, but I refuse to just stand there and bear the brunt of his issues. My phone buzzes and I see a message from Rachel.Rach: Hey hey. Class is boring, need some entertainment. How’re things with you and Noah?Me: Not great. Same as last time. Bad practice session and I get blown off. I don’t know how much more of this I’m willing to take.When the little bubbles indicating she’s texting begin to go off, I know that there’s a wall of text incoming. And what a paragraph it is. Rachel’s response is replete with colorful language and very creative descriptors that actually ma
*Jane*We pull into the parking garage of Noah’s apartment building at what I don’t doubt is an illegal speed, but I don’t really care too much. He barely has a chance to unclip the seatbelt before I’ve moved across the console and crawled onto his lap. When we kiss this time, I’m the one leading it and Noah gives a surprised moan from the back of his throat, but I don’t sense any reluctance on his part. None at all.He moves to open the door, presumably to get out so we can move into the apartment, but I remove his hand from the handle and place it on my ass, which he immediately grips. My back is pressing into the steering wheel, but I barely register it, not when I can feel his dick already getting hard against my thigh. Knowing that he’s already so turned on for me only feeds into my hunger and I know that I want him now. With a bite to his bottom lip, I pull away and he moves after me only for me to stop him with a hand to his chest as I shove him back against the dr
*Jane*One week in and things are already so much harder than I thought they’d be. When Noah first told me about the trip, I thought that the initial sweep of heartache I felt would disappear soon enough. I mean, yeah, I love him. But that didn’t mean that I had to devolve into the typical, corny, sad not-quite girlfriend mooning over the guy while he’s away. But as time wore on, I found myself constantly distracted by thinking about Noah. He kept his word—he texts me every day. We even Facetime whenever he’s free to do so, but things just aren’t the same. I can’t put my finger on what exactly shifted, but the difference between being together in person and communicating over a screen is noticeable. It’s not that things are ever really super awkward between us. We still have banter. But there’s the strain I can see these games and practices are having on him that he refuses to address. It shows on his face, the sleepless nights that have caused the skin under his eye
*Jane*“I think not,” I say, folding my arms resolutely. Rachel sighs in exasperation. “Oh, come on, Jane. It’s a totally great idea,” she insists. “I’m not a lingerie kind of girl, Rach. You know that,” I remind her. “Yeah, well, it’s not exactly regular circumstances is it?” We’re lazing about in the cafeteria between classes, and my friend is staunchly trying to convince me to buy a 'welcome home' gift for Noah. But it’s not really my comfort zone, which is something Rachel knows full well. The thought of putting myself out there like that is scary. “Okay, backtrack. Why aren’t you into the idea? You have the body for it. You’ve worn sexy clothing before. What’s the big deal?” she asks, genuine curiosity in her voice. I debate on whether or not I should just verbalize my stream of consciousness to Rachel, considering I myself am not completely certain why I feel the way that I do. But I know that Rachel has never judged me and that if I really refuse to do
*Noah*I really am one stupid son of a bitch. I knew that even as I watched Jane leave my apartment, taking a piece of my heart with her. I knew that if I followed her it would just make things worse, but staying back and letting her go was harder than it should’ve been. I didn’t want her to be here, not when I’m feeling this shitty. It feels like a never-ending battle, this constant tug of war between letting my career consume me just enough to be the best at it, and not letting it consume me entirely. There's a fine line between the two and I'm scared that I’m making Jane walk it with me, no matter how hard I try to keep her out of it. But the look of utter brokenness on her face when she left haunts me. I don’t know what to do.I thought sleeping alone would be the best choice for me, but when night comes and I lay there in my empty bed, all I can see is Jane’s pretty green eyes, and I cuss myself out for causing the tears in them that I know she was fighting b
*Jane*I still haven’t gotten over being kicked out of Noah’s apartment. Yeah, it was a huge knock to my ego considering the amount of effort I put into trying to give him a great welcome-back gift. But more than that, I can’t handle the constant emotional minefield outbursts. I’m not cut out for handling that sort of thing over and over again. Still, I can’t stop myself from missing him. I hate that despite everything he does that pisses me off so badly, I can’t quite get to the point of not caring about him. It’s not like I can just turn off my feelings, no matter what he says or does. It’s a vulnerability that terrifies me, so much so that I ignore every single one of his attempted calls and messages. I don’t want to hear any of that because I don’t trust myself not to cave, and the hurt is still too raw for me to just give in to him again. But when I make my way to my data analytics class, who else is waiting just outside the lecture hall with an apologetic l
*Jane*It’s the first practice I attend where I’m actually early enough to see the whole thing. Rachel wanted to join but had a morning class she couldn’t skip. I watch with fascination as their coach runs the team through a series of light drills, much less intense than the other few sessions I’ve caught and I can only assume it’s because they actually have a game today. I try to keep things neutral, observing the whole team, but my eyes involuntarily go to Noah. I end up following him the entire session, watching as he goes through his training and admiring the way his body looks as he moves around the field. It hasn’t been that long since I’ve been in his arms, but there’s a pang of longing that strikes me. It’s strange and I don’t like it, and to distract myself I look around the bleachers to see who else has come to watch the Bulldogs practice. There are quite a few other students, some are probably here to support their boyfriends on the team, but most are just
*Jane*I’ve never been happier that Rachel had plans I wasn’t part of because I’m not saying no to anything Noah does to me and we get the room all to ourselves. The time we spent apart since the last time we were really together, excluding the strained session we had in his shower a few days ago, seems to only have intensified the desire we have for each other. This is the Noah I know, the one whose kisses draw me in and keep me tethered to the moment just as much as they take me out of my head and send me flying. This is the touch I’m familiar with, the one that’s desperate to feel more of me. This is the greed I’m used to.Every brush of his mouth against mine sends my pulse racing. His hands find their way under my jersey—his jersey—and he pulls back enough just to look at me wearing it one last time before he rips it off of me. I’m just as eager to get his clothes off, but I want to prolong this for as long as I can. I back him up against the door, bunching m