Neither of us took into consideration how hard the separation would be, much less how difficult keeping our relationship a secret would be. When I got back to school, Jet honed in on the difference in my attitude before I'd left compared to when I returned, and I couldn't give her anything other than Jude and I had worked through our differences. I had to sneak phone calls to him and change my tone when she walked in the room. But it was the physical loss of not having him near that was the hardest to deal with. She'd gone to class, leaving me in our room alone. I was biding my time until I could call Jude. As soon as I was certain he wasn't at school, I unlocked my phone and touched his name on my favorites list. "Hey, babe." Those two words uttered from his mouth in a deep, rich baritone released my frustration and warmed my heart. I never thought I'd crave hearing a common term of endearment, but something in his inflection, the casual way he said it, and how the words hit
At Jude's request, we celebrated his birthday at the diner where his mom had worked when he was growing up. And when the dishes had been cleared, one of the older waitresses, who'd known him since he was a child, brought out what appeared to be the entire staff to corral around our table. Together, they sang "Happy Birthday" behind a lemon pie with one lone candle burning brightly in the center of the whipped cream. When they were done, she set the pie in front of him, and he blew out the flame. His eyes glistened, but tears never formed. The lady leaned down and whispered something in his ear. He grinned when she patted his shoulder. I had worried that being here would set off emotions he wouldn't be able or ready to handle, but he soared through the night beautifully and appeared happy.As we left the diner, I snuggled against his side. The smell of cedar and citrus wafted around me in a hug as tight as his actual embrace. And when he held the door open for me to walk through, h
"I'd hoped we were done with Debbie Downer once you and Portia hooked up." Carson squinted to keep the smoke from his eyes when he took a drag off the joint."I don't have a clue what you're talking about." But I did. Ever since she went back to school two weeks ago, I'd tried to play it off, not just with my friends, but with Portia, as well. Evidently, I hadn't been all that successful.Carson leaned back in his lawn chair and dropped one hand on the armrest, while still holding the joint with the other. He licked his teeth beneath his lips, and I studied him with odd interest as his facial expressions changed. They went from confusion to concentration and possibly curiosity. I watched him blink several times, open his mouth, close it, and he finally spoke in a relaxed, low tone. "You were you again. And then you weren't.""That's profound. Thanks for clarifying the personality shift.""You know what I mean. When you came back from spring break, you were the Jude you were whe
I had started to feel like a bouncy ball with one flat side. When I was with Portia, it was as if someone had launched me high into the air. Yet the moment she was out of reach and I couldn't smell the scent of her shampoo or taste the hint of soap on her skin, I crashed to the ground and flew off in odd directions, springing erratically around until I finally settled into a pit of despair in a dusty corner. With no one around to chase my proverbial flight path, I was forgotten until her face lit up my cell phone screen or a text message lifted me from the cobwebs. Ernie and Hensley were on my ass about going back to Dr. Vanderhugh-a fate worse than death. I argued vehemently that my emotional swings were related to stress and not at all connected to grief. I'd long since packed that into a tidy box and stored it in the recesses of my mind, never to be opened again. Even still, every time one of them brought it up, it ripped off the emotional packing tape and exposed the loss again
The best I could hope for, until Portia came home for the summer, was to stay numb. I'd successfully managed to plan our phone calls around going to Carson's house, but she knew something was wrong. I tried to convince her it was just me missing her, although I was fairly certain Hensley told her about the book and my subsequent meltdown. Then, all manner of hell had broken loose last night when I'd given Hensley and Ernie my report card.It was a good thing I hadn't planned to attend Columbia or Carnegie. After my fourth quarter grades, the offers probably would have been rescinded. I didn't give a shit. If I hadn't had straight As going into exams, it would have been far worse. As it was, I ended up with Bs, Cs, and an F for the quarter, which didn't affect my overall GPA enough for the University of Maine to care. It did, however, send the Shaws into a tailspin. Hensley threw out the word suicidal-laughing at her probably wasn't the best response. My "indifference concerned them,"
I'd lain in bed with the lights off for hours last night, waiting for him to come home. There hadn't been any point in trying to close my swollen eyes, sleep wouldn't have taken over, anyhow. Not until I knew he was safe. While I stared at the ceiling, my eyes drifted out the window. It never ceased to amaze me that no matter how much turmoil took place on Earth, the moon and the stars didn't lose their luster. They shone just as bright, and they hung safely in the sky where they'd been for ages, unaffected by any raging storm below. If I could have found a way to reach one of them, I would have. It was funny in a non-comical sort of way, ironic, maybe-until I heard Jude close the front door and pad up the steps. I worried I'd been too quick to pass judgment. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I'd left him, knowing full well he was too high to drive, and something had happened. Yet, the sounds of his shoes taking the steps two or three at a time suddenly catapulted me
Sometimes I wondered if it were possible for me to keep my mouth shut. "Why not?" I posed the question softly, more out of curiosity than accusation. "Truthfully? I don't know. Best guess is...I didn't want them to. I wanted to be angry. I felt justified in it. That one feeling hadn't failed me when my mom was sick or when she died. Every other one had." He lifted his shoulders slightly and then allowed them to fall. "Then spring break happened."I smiled. I couldn't have stopped the toothy grin even if I'd wanted to, which I didn't. I'd never regret anything about that week. He huffed through his nose, and his eyes lost focus. It was clear he was reminiscing and maybe even wishing he could go back to that place in time. "It was as though God answered a prayer and gave me a blessing all at once. Other than my mom, you are the only thing in the world that makes me truly happy...core deep."That was a heavy burden to carry, and one I wasn't equipped to hold. "Jude...""When y
I retreated to the security of my bedroom. It was eerily quiet. Jude had turned the music off or put on headphones, and I hadn't so much as heard footsteps outside my door. There had been no sign of Ernie or Hensley, either. It was as though I were the only one in the house.Curled into a ball on my bed, I picked at Woobie's knotted fur, keeping the little bear close to my face. He reminded me of Jude, and if I closed my eyes and tried hard enough, I could smell Jude's scent on him. Or maybe that was my mind's way of comforting me through the most excruciating pain I ever remembered experiencing. When my mom died and I was in protective services-before I'd been placed with the Shaws-a counselor told me that with each day that passed, the hurt would subside a little more. Even as scared as I had been, I just never missed a mother who hadn't really existed. But the fear had done the same thing the lady said the pain would do. And I got to where I longed for the sun to come up just t