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Chapter Fourteen
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Fear of Loss Chapter Fifteen
Yes.I’m.In.Love.I know it’s unbelievable. The people who know me will definitely can’t believe this that I’m in love. Now I’m lying on Masson’s shoulder and feel the peace of his existence.And.Yes.I’mHappy.With.My.Peace.“Emma, this is the best time to know each other.”“Wanna know something about me?”He says. He looks serious. I’m too happy that he wants to tell me about his life, his past and his future plans.“Yeah, if you feel free to share.”I say. He smile and starts running his fingers into my hair. I feel sleepy as today I’m having this much peace for the first time in my life. He takes a deep breath.“So, I’m telling you about my family. We are two brothers. My younger brother is Grayson. My mom dad are separated. Mom lives with us and dad……”He pauses and swallow saliva in his throat. It seems like he doesn’t want to talk about his father. The name of his makes him sad.“It’s okay, I don’t want to know about him.”I say. I can’t see sadness in the most beautiful
Fear of Loss Chapter Sixteen
“Masson”, I call him. He looks at me. We are still on beech, sitting on beech sheet in each other’s embrace.The phone starts ringing. It’s my phone. Oh God who the hell is disturbing. I grab my phone from my purse and see Olivia is calling. I roll my eyes.Oh God. What a bitch she is.I murmur. I think her goal is to ruin my life and snatch away my loved ones.“Who’s calling?”Masson is looking at me.“Nothing important”, I say.“You can pickup the phone. I haven’t any kind of issue. Believe me”, he says.I tell him that there is nothing important. I don’t want to pickup her call. I don’t know why she is calling me. Is everything okay? Maybe she hasn’t find me in home that’s why she is calling me but she has nothing to do with it. She doesn’t care about my existence or absence, even she must be happy with my absence. I don’t know.My phone starts ringing again. This time I feel it in my stomach. I don’t know why but there is something wrong happening with my body. I quickly put phon
Fear of Loss Chapter Seventeen
Monday, January 24, 2022 2: 22 a.m.We are still waiting in the waiting area of hospital. Olivia is walking here and there in tension. I’m sitting on chair. I’m unable to move from here. I’m stuck here. Olivia is praying loudly for dad. I can’t speak. I can’t pray aloud. I’m just thinking about dad and praying for dad inside.God please.I…. I will never commit sin.Please save my dad.I need him.We need him.The doctor comes out of emergency room. Olivia runs toward doctor but I don’t. I haven’t any energy left to stand up. I don’t know what is happening. I feel something in my stomach.God.Please save dad.My body is shivering. I don’t know what will doctor say. I’m afraid. I’m too much afraid. I can’t listen doctor.Olivia moves behind and is crying hard. Why the hell is she crying? What happens?She.She…. She is crying.Why?No Emma, this isn’t like that. Don’t overthink. Everything will be fine. Dad will bee fine. We will live together. I will accept Olivia. I will a
Fear of Loss Chapter Eighteen
Monday, January 24, 2022 6:29 a.m.I’m still sitting on my room’s floor, crying. I can’t sleep till now. I’m too afraid. I’m unable to do anything. I’m having headache and body pain but I can’t move even to take a pain killer. I don’t need anything. I just want my family back. I can’t accept that I lost my family. I have lost everything. I lost my childhood. I lost my family. I lost my love. I lost my happiness. I lost my emotions. I lost my feelings. The only thing I gained is a fear. Fear of loss.And with this fear I can’t live happily. I just can’t. I want to die. I don’t want to be lonely.God.God please kill me.I can’t live with this fucking pain.The door bell rings. I don’t move. The door bell again rings. I can’t move. I stand up with the help of edge of bed. I move toward mirror, set my condition and wipe out my tears. I’m still same. I can’t show anyone my emotions and feelings because I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I pretend to be strong. But I’m not. I’m
Fear of Loss Chapter Nineteen
Three months later: Monday, April 18, 2022 6: 15 a.m. I wake up and watch time and a small yawn passes from my lips. I step out of bed, sit on bed for a while. I get myself ready to run. I wear my running shoes and dress, grab a bottle of water and leave the home. I inhale a fresh air and starts running. I really feel better running in the morning. It fades away all the tiredness, sorrows and pains from my life for some time. It helps me to heal somehow. I enter home after I finished my run. I move toward my room and go to bathroom, brush my teeth. I then take a shower and come out of bathroom. I dry my hair and quickly get ready for the school. I come out of my room and sit on dinning table to have some breakfast. “Good morning.” Olivia says. “Hello, how are you?” I ask. She tells me that she is okay and asks about me. I tell her that I’m good. It’s been three months that I and Olivia have accepted each other but I don’t call her as mom and she doesn’t call me her daugh
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty
Tuesday, April 19, 2022 10: 20 a.m.I wake up and watch the clock. I shut my eyes and then suddenly open the eyes. I watch time again. Oh shit. I wake up and put my hands on my head. I’m too late for school. I was too tired last night that’s why I can’t wake up early. I’m not in the mood to go to school late so I decide to take a leave today. I step out of bed and go to bathroom, take a shower and go downstairs to have some breakfast. I take some breakfast from refrigerator and starts eating and have some orange juice. Olivia isn’t here. She must be at shop. I watch T.V for some time. I’m getting bore. I go to my room and check out the book shelf but I don’t have books to read. I have already read all the books. I’m free and I don’t like to be free. I want some work to do. I don’t know what to do now. I enter in kitchen and think about cooking. But I don’t know how to cook. Oh God I feel boredom.“What should I do now?”I mumble. I think for a while and then decide to join Olivi
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty One
Tuesday, April 19, 2022 5: 10 p.m.I’m on my counter, receiving orders again, and looking here and there, if he is here or not. I’m too afraid of him. I’m thinking about him all the time that why he is here. I can’t focus on my work and my body is still shivering. My hands are shaking while writing orders. But I have to do work. I can’t leave. I fear that if I go to home now and if he is here, he will follow me up to the home and I don’t want it to happen.“Emma.”Olivia says behind me. I turn around.“Can you please do me a favor?”She asks. I nod.“Can you please go to this address for decoration. I’m too busy, I can’t go. I have some important meeting and you know that…..”“We don’t disappoint our customers.”I say without allowing her to complete her sentence. She laughs.“Don’t worry, I will manage it.”I say and grab the address from her hand and it’s birthday theme in this order. I’m not sure that I can manage it or not but I can’t say no to her as I myself ask her to app
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Masson’s home and then I left home without informing her. I don’t take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I can’t. I’m not brave enough to take this step. I’m becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really can’t. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I can’t. My ideas are failed. I’m too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. I’m tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
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