Searching Time

Surprised and stunned by Kendra’s glaring prowess, I hurriedly folded my laptop and secured it with my left hand, stepped my chair backward, and forced a smile at her as if like a criminal caught in action. My sweat couldn’t escape Kendra’s scrutiny. I gulped and continued to stare at her without saying anything.

 

Our staring duel continued. She broke it when she returned her stare at my laptop. My left hand automatically tightened my grip and Kendra took notice of it. She crossed her arms and then went back to me, 

“So? What have you been doing?” she said with her voice full of accusations.

“You were so into it, you didn’t even notice I hardly knocked on your door!”

Finally, my voice caught up, “Ah… I-I was doing-” I startled, finding the right words, looking back and forth at Kendra and my laptop, “-I was searching.”

Disbelief is seen in her face, “Cut the crap! What is it?”

“Really, I was searching for what I will feature next in my article!” I blurted out.

Hmm, I guess that was a good excuse.

She managed to let out an agreeing sound in which we both know what she really meant was the opposite. Without wasting any time, she snatched my laptop from my hand and hurriedly opened it. I stood up immediately to retrieve it, but to no avail, lost the fight. Right then and there, I gave up.

 

Elements of surprise, laughter, and horror manifested in K’s face. I sat down and waited for her to finish her amusement. Before long, she finally put down my laptop. 

A big smile and sparkling eyes are locked in my direction, “You are one fucking bitch!” she said.

Confused by what she said I remained silent waiting for her next line. “Goodness Ava, I thought you were watching a porno!” she laughed.

I raised my eyebrows, “What do you think of me Kendra Higgins? Goodness! Have you lost your mind?” and defended myself.

“Well, from what I’ve seen earlier, you look like one! You look like a teenager who was caught by her teacher watching porno at school,” she chortled endlessly amused by her own words. 

I waited for her to stop, “Are you done? Happy now? Will you get out of my office? You are disturbing my research!”, and exclaimed impatiently. 

“Oh you mean these,” then she opened the laptop again and revealed my screen. Seeing those images, my cheek felt suddenly hot and blushed. 

“Yeah? Whatever! Get lost Kendra!”, I said awkwardly and turned my face away from her. 

“Just kidding!” Then she jumped beside me and wrapped her arms around my shoulder.

“Come on! Let’s talk it out!” Her invitation sounds more like an interrogation.  I sighed and nodded.

“Is this about Siegfried again?” her tone became serious all of a sudden. 

***

 While waiting for our client, Kendra and I talked about the scene she saw earlier. 

“So, are you going to spill it out or should I make you?” she gave a fair warning.

“Fine!”, then I served her some jasmine tea and sat on the couch across from her. I took a sip of the coffee I made, before telling her something.

 

“You know what Kendra, whenever I think of you and Nikolai, I really couldn’t accept the fact that you are in love with a married man. I keep asking myself why!”, I saw her eyes flickered and her lips twitched a bit, but I looked into her eyes and that made her facial expression calm down. I continued,

“But I guess, what you two have, is way more than what Siegfried and I have. You’ve only known each other for a year but you have done many things together, you are so close to each other. The way he looks at you, and the way you look at him: the way he gives time and effort despite his predicament, and the way you sacrifice yourself for your love, they are just a puzzle to me!” my quiet sobs turned into a teary rant, “How are you so in love with each other?”

She remained quiet, drinking her tea momentarily, and waited for me to get back to my stories, “When I first met Siegfried, I thought he is the perfect man for me. Yes, he is everything a girl can ever wish for her man to be: intelligent, god-like appearance, wealth. So I locked myself thinking, I should be perfect for him. I followed everything of their family’s so-called protocol. I took care of my image to protect his image. I sacrificed my own happiness just to be the girl he expects me to be. At first. I was so in love with him. But now –”

 

“– You have finally realized!” Kendra cut me out. Her eyes are now full of concern towards me, like a best friend she has always been. 

“Do you still love him?”, she asked me, “Or do you just pretend that everything is still okay?”

“No one’s pretending,” I clarified.

“Then let me paraphrase it for you. Are you still in love with him or are you just in love with the idea of making that man fall head over heels for you over again?”, her question silenced me.

She continued with her sermon, “You have been together for nine years now after all. Do you think it's just one of your long term relationship jitters?” 

Another question was thrown so I respond skeptically, “That’s what I thought. But these jitters have been staying more than expected. He never looked at me the way Nikolai does to you. You and Nikolai –”

“– Nikolai and I are Nikolai and I. You and Siegfried are you and Siegfried. You can never compare. You should never compare. Do you think it's just vanilla and all, being the other woman? Not in a bit! That, I tell you,” she bolted.

“But you chose to stay! Why?”, her answer created more confusion.

“Because I love him and I am confident enough to say he loves me. The question is, are you,” she bombarded me with questions that I, myself don’t know about so I sighed,

“I don’t know.”

“So you think casual sex would be fine?”, she asked without any judgment or insult. 

“I don’t know. Am I too shallow? Doing these things just because he won’t have sex with me,” I said in a very low voice, sobbing. 

“Damn no! You know it isn’t just about sex or getting laid. You know something is lacking. You know something is missing. Unfortunately, you are the only one who has the time to face it. Your too-good-to-be-true boyfriend is busy adding up more zeros to his salary. He didn’t even realize he is already losing you,” she took another sip, she even added, “That asshole! He is also my friend, but my best friend comes first.”

I smiled and found comfort.

“Always remember this, it isn’t your fault! Whatever you will do from here on, you have my full support. So, go find that club you are looking for,” she winked at me. 

“Thanks, K. I mean it.”