Eva
On days like this, I feel my skin too tight. Unfitting. I want to rip it completely off, throw it away, run out from it free. But I can't, because I'm trapped.
It's like the sky's so heavy that it keeps pressing me closer to the ground. Breathing gets harder by the second. There's this huge snake, wrapped around my chest, tightening its hold more and more. I choke on all the thoughts, suddenly flooding my mind. Why can't I turn them off, or slow them down?
Words go unspoken, unheard. They get stuck in my throat. I need to scream into the empty, open-air, but all sounds dissolve into the vacuum of the dark void, surrounding me. My mind's vibrating so loud that I have the urge to put my hands on my ringing ears and silence it. I'm getting dizzy with the overwhelming feeling of fear. The impending doom, hanging over me.
What's scarier is I don't know where all this is coming from. Or why. It's invisible, but I know it's there. It's like you're dying, but you aren't. It's what a heart attack feels like, maybe. Except for the pain is probably different. Will my heart burst into this too tight cage? Will the blood choke me and eventually splatter out everywhere? Beads of sweat start forming on my upper lip and I realize drops are already trickling down my spine. I need to do something. I can't stay trapped in my mind. The fact I'm in class makes me even more nervous and scared. What will the others think if I run out of the room? Do they know? Can they see something's off with me? And what if I faint on my way out?
I pick up my pen and start scribbling random things in my notebook, just to keep my mind busy. It does help sometimes, doing something with your hands, not focusing on your head.
But it's not working today.
I need to get away from here as quickly as possible before my chest bursts. It's so hot in this room, even though it's almost November. Someone should’ve opened a window. I glance around and see Jeremy's slumping against his chair in the back as he normally does, but now he's looking directly at me. His brows are furrowed, and I panic even more because it looks like he knows what's going on. Maybe it's really obvious something's wrong.
I ask Miss Chase if I can go out.
"Of course, dear," she smiles, not a trace of suspicion in her voice. I try to stop myself from rushing out, but once I close the door from the outside I quicken my pace as much as possible. I feel like the restrooms are miles away and I'll never reach them. I do. Eventually.
Once I'm finally there I find the girl's WC is empty and quiet. I check just in case. Okay.
I look at myself in the mirror. It feels like my face is crooked or contorted in some weird places.
But there's nothing on the outside, besides I'm slightly paler than normal; but really, that's all.
I splash my face and chest with cold water.
Repeat.
Again.
After I've poured some more of it, I'm almost breathless. My teeth are chattering, but I feel better now.
It helps somehow, I have no clue why. The water's running and I keep my hands under the stream. I splash some more of it and now my whole front is wet, my hair sticking to my neck and forehead. Luckily, I rarely wear white shirts, cause that would be troublesome. Whatever is was and keeps happening to me out of the blue occasionally, has passed and I'm so relieved I relax against the cold restroom tiles. I try to keep breathing deeper, not caring the least how dirty I'm leaning is. Someone has scribbled "This is the strangest life I've ever known" on one of the stalls' doors. I smile at how relatable that is, and not just now.
It's just that having an anxiety disorder definitely puts you in the strangest of situations at the worst of times.
I stay like that for a few more moments before I decide it's time to go back. I gather myself and leave. And that's when the shaking starts. I thought I might skip that part. More like hoping I would.
It's so bad this time I feel I'll chip a tooth. I clench my jaws really, really tight and realize belatedly- I can't go back to class.
Without much thinking I decide I will just go out, there isn't much time left before the class is over anyway. There's a small balcony on the rooftop, which should be empty, as guys who skip classes normally gather in the backyard.
Once I'm up there, I hug myself against the cold and lean my elbows on the rail. The sky's so gray and darker clouds gathering in the distance. It doesn't smell like rain yet but it's starting to get windy and I can tell a storm's coming. The scary feeling of inevitable doom is gone now, the shaking now's only because it's a bit chilly. It's the nicest feeling.
I take the deepest breath, slowly exhale and it's like I can tell the oxygen is finally filling up my lungs. My limbs are a bit heavy with the same sensation you get when you've walked all day and finally sit down. It's the same feeling that I get when I've swum for hours during the day and it feels like I'm still in the water once I'm back in my bed in the evening.
"If I were you, I would not jump. It's not that high and you will just have to exist as a cripple till the rest of your life. No one wants that."
My heart skips a beat and I turn around startled.
Nathan. I gasp. I try to think.
I have no idea what he’s doing here. I glance behind him, but he's alone. Nathan approaches and then leans deep over the rail.
"Yup, not that high as I thought. I didn't mean to startle you, by the way. Hi. " he smiles and I swear I forget everything else.
He's so, so beautiful.
I feel like he's even more handsome than the last time I say him. His gray eyes are slightly darker than I remember. I don't know if it's because of the weather or that's how they normally are - I've never been so close to him before, so I have no clue if I imagine it.
" Hi," I mutter and focus on my hands, which are nervously picking at threads from my sleeves.
"Cigarette?" he asks and passes the box my way.
"Oh, no. Thank you."
He lights his own and exhales. "I'm trying to quit that too, but it doesn't go as planned. It used to help me relax, but now's just a habit when I'm bored. Or drunk. Or both. Which is quite often" he snorts and shakes his head.
I want to say something, without sounding obnoxious. Or dumb. To surprise him, interest him, anything- just to keep him here, talking to me.
Of all the ways we could meet, it had to be like this.
"But I guess that's how I'll feel here from now on." he continues. "Are you cold, by the way?"
"No, no- I'm okay. I needed some air."
"Are you sure? Your hair's wet, so " he starts taking off his jacket, cigarette between his teeth.
"It's okay, thank you. It's just that... I wanted to go out and..."
"Yeah, anxiety and all that. " he finishes for me. "Who wouldn't get it here. "
He stubs his cigarette and pulls away from the rail. "Fine then. "
He takes a few steps and turns back to me
"Just so you know, you missed the one-time offer to wear my jacket and my scent for a while. And now I don't have an excuse to talk to you again."
Uh-uh. What.
"I'll see you around, Miss Shy" he winks and leaves me staring after him. And I just stand there. I don't know how much time passed before it starts raining. I feel the big, heavy drops falling on my bare hands. Twenty, four hundred, thousands now. Slow and clumsy at first, they're now unstoppable.
It's pouring.
When I look back at that time, I realize it was right then and there I fell stupidly and blindly for him. I just chose to deny it for a bit longer after- until I realized how much power a single person could hold over someone. Until I looked around and saw the boy with the mysterious smile had marked my life and me forever, reshaped it in ways I never imagined possible before.
Kyle "Are you taking the medications I prescribed, McDavid?" The team's doctor inquires dead serious and looks at me from behind his desk, glasses pushed down low on the tip of his nose. "Nah, Doc. It's not that bad anymore. " I'm tying my shoelaces as quickly as I can, I can't wait to leave because I hate all those cabinets. The last time I did my checkup he gave me some kinds of painkillers, I don't remember the name and I don't care about them. I know most of the guys on the team take them, especially Jared, but it's not for me. The pills helped me with the pain, but they were also making me sleepy. I couldn't feel much, not just pain. Anything. And even if it sounds funny- I hated that. It was as if I was out of control, even of the discomfort. So I simply stopped taking them eventually. "You tore an adductor a few weeks ago, boy, "Doc continues, "it looks better than last time I checked, but you can't have fully recovered by now. Especially considering how serious the injury
EvaWe finish earlier on Fridays, so we hang out after school with Chloe and Chris. Jeremy and Max came with us too, but Max has a game later and can't stay much. Jeremy turned out to be way more patient than me when explaining Victorian Classics, although he didn't look like it at first. I'm heading home, it's almost 4 pm -mom should still be at work.Rudy's wandering around, so she comes my way and gives me the usual sniff and a lick on the hand."Did I pass the security check for today?"I scratch her behind the ears and once she's had enough, I'm good to go. I put the key in the locker and discover the door's open. Then I see the shoes my mom went out with this morning. I go inside and see her lying on the couch, covered under a blanket. You've got to be kidding me."Mom?" Don't tell me she got fired again. "Hey, Mom? Are you ok?"She pokes her head out of the cover and says, her voice hoarse. "I don't feel very well so they let me go home for the day.""Just for today?"I know I
"Fucking finally, " Jared says as we come in and kisses Christina. She pulls back, although I see she's not pissed off."Are you drunk already?" Chris makes a face at him and he leans towards her again for another smooch."We won, baby."While I'm wondering how come she forgave him for everything he did to her, I see Nathan.Right. He is here. Nathan's lying on the ground, his elbow propped on one of the cushions scattered around. I've always thought the huge living room Max's parents have is too-hippie decorated, but that's the first time I kind of like it. He's smoking and the two girls sitting next to him are giggling about something. Max's sitting cross-legged opposite them, strumming something on his guitar. Both his parents are musicians and I have no idea why he's on the team, but he seems to be very bad at music, so hockey was probably the only other option he had for an extracurricular activity. They're talking about something and I struggle to hear what it is when Nathan's
EvaThey had a private teacher...Jeremy's never mentioned what kind of family they come from, but everyone knows everything about anyone here. The first information that was quickly spread was the fact their father's business was among the most successful ones internationally. The second talks were vivid descriptions of the huge house by the lake they'd bought.I look back at Nathan, and I know I could've asked about how he finds the place, or whatever. But for some reason I say."Is this what you want to do? Play?""No, that's just to pass the time now.""But you're so good.""I just had a lot of time to practice, especially in the past year."I put my hair behind my ear and look ahead."Jeremy mentioned it. I'm sorry- I mean- he didn't say why or anything, just that you skipped a year.""It's fine, I don't hide it. I just spent a year off school. ""Okay...""I don't regret it, though." he says, casually. I was sure he wouldn't continue talkig to me, but he does. "I had more time t
Kyle It's late and the few people left are wasted already, smoking outside on the balcony. The light's dim and someone's put quiet music on Max's vintage record player. Jeremy's spread himself out on the big sofa in the living room, head on the backrest, his dark clothes in total contrast with the colorful furniture. I've noticed he assumes the posture whenever he's tense or uncomfortable, it's like a challenge where he says, "Here I am, come at me." He's still here for some reason, even though his friends left already; I mean even Nathan's not here, although they don't seem to be hanging out much. Now that I think of it, I've never seen them together at school and they don't even come together. Nate usually drives and I think Jeremy rides the bus, which I thought strange at first, but I guess they have their reasons. I wanted to talk to him and never got the chance, so it's a " now or never" situation, kind of. I approach and sit close to him. He flinches but doesn't open his eyes.
JeremyWhen I get home, I see all the lights on the first floor are on. Marta opens the door for me, even though it's after 1 am."Welcome home." She smiles and takes a step away for me to enter. "Uh, yes. Is everything all right?""Your parents are in the living room waiting for you.""Okay, thank you. Sorry, you had to stay up so late.""No, my dear boy. It's my job, after all. " Marta leads the way in and I close the front door behind me.She could be my grandmother because Olivia doesn't hire younger women in the household anymore. I can tell you the reason behind it but I'm sure you can guess why's that. Right, let's go; I know what this is about. "Where is your brother?" Mother asks once I enter the room. "I've been calling you for hours, why don't you pick up your phone?""I left it at home, sorry."I didn't, but I knew why she was calling, and I didn't want to be her spy for the whole night. "You have to be more responsible." My Father. Naturally, he is an example of stoi
EvaI'm sitting by myself, finishing my lunch in the cafeteria. It's almost empty as most students have left already. I'm in no hurry - I'd rather be anywhere else but home, so I'm reading manga on my phone when I hear Nathan's voice coming from somewhere suspiciously close."Woah, are you going to eat all that?" I look up startled and see him standing right in front of my table, looking at my plate. "Um..." I'm chewing and the taste of the chocolate rapidly grows sour in my mouth. I look back down at my plate to see all that's in there- brown pieces of cake scattered all over, crumbs and fudge over the plastic dish. How many pieces are even in there? It looks like a pig's bowl. It's disgusting. I am disgusting. I push the plate away, wishing I could throw up all I've already devoured and empty myself from the heavy food in there, then turn my insides out and rinse them out. "No, I just ..." I lean back in my chair and bite my thumb. "No, I'm done." "Cool, I was wondering if you'r
"Ready?"He says and I almost flinch."I don't know. Yes?""Okay, then. Try to attack me." "How?""Just try and push me. Don't think so much and relax. Fighting's like dancing.""I can't dance.""Well, I'm not very good either, but it sounds cool."I laugh and for the first time he kind of reminds me of Jeremy- in the same way, he jokes about random stuff to distract me from something that's been going on in my head and I've thought I'm the only one noticing. I move and push him. He blocks my hit and urges me to try again. I do and this time's better. It's both strange and nice. I feel better. For one thing, I don't think about my phone anymore. I have no idea how much time we spent doing this, but by the end of it, I'm breathless.Once I got the hang of it and stopped overthinking every single move of mine, I realized he was right- it gets easier when you relax. I'm panting and I'm very aware of the fact my tank tops' wet and Nathan's standing not far from me.Sweat trickles down h