CHAPTER 4: THE LIFE

AFTER ONE YEAR

After one year of isolating myself because of the tragic death that I experienced. I now decided to go on with my life. I need to be strong for myself because I know Jayvee will be upset if he sees me hopeless and dying and my mom will be upset too. Every day she is getting older and older, weaker and weaker. I don't want her to see me weak and lifeless because if it is hard for me; it is hard for her too. That is why I need to be strong. Life must go on, half of me is always reminding me that I need to get back on my feet and make myself whole again while the other half is telling me to stop breathing because of the pain of losing someone that I love. Not just Jayvee but dad too when he died two years ago; He left mama and me a pain that is so indescribable. That is why I don’t want to be selfish to my mother who is trying to be strong for me. I want to be strong too.

I went back to my old school. I enrolled in the university where Jayvee and I met because I want to face everything. The pain of memories that will linger in every corner of the university with Jayvee and my friends. The mourn of every teacher who lost their students because of the accident. I know it’s hard and it might be impossible but I want to face all of it for me to move on completely because the more I deny it or run away from it, the more I will feel the pain of prolonging my agony. So I want the end of sorrow to start today and today is my first day of school. I promised myself that I will be strong enough to face everything for me to move on.

I took a deep breath and Looked at the university before I went inside. It still looks the same but sadder than before. Maybe for me but for others, it is normal like a normal thing that is happening to a student every day in school. I went inside and I looked around. There are a lot of faces that I can’t recognize. Maybe they are new students. I passed the hallway and I saw the bulletin board still hanging there. I looked at what's inside and my tears almost fell when I saw that the photos of my teammates were there. Their photos before the accident and after the accident. It says there “In loving memories” I stare at the bus. It was wrecked. Totally wrecked like a crushed can and it is so impossible that I survived but I thank God because I am. It shows that I still have unfinished business, I still have a mission that I need to accomplish. I looked at their photos one by one and in an instant. I felt like I was missing them so much. The laughter, the song that we were singing is still echoing in my ears. I can still see their smiles and excitement. It is as if it just happened yesterday but it was already a year ago. How time flies. Their death is already one year but it is still fresh in my heart and in my mind. I tried to touch them even just in their photos inside the bulletin board covered with the glass to protect it and it was locked so nobody could open it, only the school officers. I thought I am strong enough to face the truth that they were gone; that Jayvee is gone and he will never come back no matter how long I cried but I am wrong because I feel like I am on a roller coaster going back to the day that our bus going to Baguio fell. In an instant, I remember everything and in an instant, the pain is back and it was more painful than before.

I took a deep breath and shook my head to stop my tears from falling and continued walking. I heard some of the students whispering to each other while looking at me. 

“She is the only one who survived in the bus accident,” They said while whispering to each other; as if I am not here As if I can’t hear them. It irritates me but that’s okay. I know that they are just telling the truth and I need to handle it because even I can't believe how I survived when I saw what the bus looked like after the accident. 

“She is like Lazarus, It’s a miracle,” The other one said. As if I am not standing in front of them. I looked at them and they looked younger than me. I think they are only freshmen or sophomores.

“Lucky for her she survived,” The other one said and all of them are talking and whispering about me as if I am really lucky that I survived. They didn’t know the pain that I was carrying of losing someone you love and remember how they die each night I sleep. The burdens, the pains are like carrying a heavy load for me.

I shook my head and smiled and walked away. I ignore those students because what they said is right. I am like Lazarus and I came back to life. It might be a miracle but I hope it works for everybody, not just for me. While carrying my bag I went to the field located at the back of our school. Where you can see the big, old mango tree. I used to stay there with Jayve before when he was still alive. I looked at the mango tree and it looks older than before but much stronger. The plant and flowers around it grew bigger and plenty. That makes the mango tree look attractive. The cold breeze blew my hair that almost covered my face while I was walking slowly to the mango tree. It seems that the tree is welcoming me again and I can’t wait to get there. While walking I saw a shadow from behind me walking to the mango tree. There are two shadows now; one is mine and the other one is from someone who is walking behind me. That is why I looked back to see who it was but I didn't see anyone walking behind me. So I continue walking but the shadow is still there. It seems that it wants to walk with me. The wind blew again and the shadow faded away as the wind stopped. I am now at the front of the tree and my heart beats fast when I am silently looking at it. I remember those times that Jayvee and I met here. It was our first day of school when he was sitting under the tree while writing in his notebook while I was looking at the top of the tree and seeing if there was some mango fruit that I could pick. He approached me first and asked what course I am taking up and I answered him and we found out that we are taking the same course and we are classmates. Until we became close friends and under this mango tree he proposed and we became girlfriend and boyfriend. Until some things happened which were out of our hand and right in this mango tree. I want to bid him goodbye and at the same time move on with my life. 

I wiped my tears that I didn’t notice were falling from my eyes. I took a deep breath and looked at my watch to check for my class. It is only 10:00 a.m. and my class will start at 10:30 so I still have thirty minutes to stay under this tree. I sit at the improvised bench under the tree that the former gardener made. I put my bag beside me and watched the students. Talking, reading, and having fun with their friends; They were like me before with my friends and Jayvee. There are a lot of new students. I see new faces while looking at them. I saw a man beside the mango tree maybe five steps away from me and he was looking at me and it looked like Jayvee. The height, body build, hairstyle, and even the clothes that he is wearing. That is why my heart is pounding fast again and my body begins to shake. 

“Jayvee” I whispered. I stand up and run to him to see who it was but then he walks to the other side of the tree. 

“Wait!” I said and he didn’t even look back. That is why I followed him. When I was surprised that he was gone and I didn't know where he went. My eyes were wide open and I became scared when I saw a woman hanging dead in the tree. Her eyes almost popped up and her hair was so messy. The wind is blowing her. She is swinging left and right. She is swinging dead at the tree while her head is bowed down and I feel like she is looking at me.

I got scared and shook my head. I walked backward while looking at her. I don’t know if they didn’t notice that someone commits suicide. Is she one of the students? But she doesn’t look like a student or maybe one of the teachers. I wanted to run but I bumped into a man behind me. He is holding a cigarette and a lighter and he tells me not to shout or to tell anyone that he will smoke inside the university campus. I looked up again to see the woman hanging dead at the tree and he looked up too to see what was up there but the woman was gone. 

“Are you okay?” He asked while looking at me. I didn’t answer

“You look pale,” He said while smoking the cigarette that he just lit. I didn’t talk. I just looked at him finishing his cigarette. 

“Seriously? you are smoking inside the campus?” I asked him while watching him smoke. He smiled and looked at me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked me.

“Unless you are going to tell,” He said. I smiled and shook my head

“No, not my type,” I said.

“Good”

“Are you a new student?” He asked. I shook my head and “Come back” I answered.

“How about you?” I asked

“Last year” He answered and he threw his cigarette on the ground and he stepped on it and then he picked a piece of rolled paper like a cigarette inside his pocket and lit it again and smoked it. It smells like a dried, burning leaf or grass I cannot distinguish. 

“What is your name?” I asked

“Devon… Devon David” He answered and coughed hard and his eyes turned red. 

“How about you?” When he noticed me, I kept on looking back. He looked back too and asked me. “Why do you keep on looking back?” and looked back at me. I looked back at him and told him nothing because I know he will not believe me.

“Irish Stephen,” I told him my name and we shook hands. 

“You are weird but nice to meet you, Ms. Stephen,” He said that makes me laugh because Jayvee told me that too when the first time we met except for the “weird” part. He is just a bit taller than Jayvee. His black pants, shirt, and sneakers with his backpack match mine because I am wearing black pants, a shirt, and sneakers too with a backpack. He puffed again at the rolled paper while talking to me. 

“What course are you taking up?” He asked

“AB-Mass communication” I answered

“Oh we are in the same course, I am taking that too,” He said

“I think we are classmates” He added

“Is your first subject is journalism?” He asked

“Yes” I answered and we are classmates. Good to know that I already know someone on campus because I feel like I am a stranger in my old school when I stopped because of the accident. 

“Are you okay?” I asked him when I saw him smiling for no reason but in fairness, he is cuter when he smiles. 

“Yeah, I am fine, maybe the weed is getting to me already,” He said with a smile.

“You smoked weed?” I asked and I couldn't believe it because he didn’t just smoke cigarettes inside the campus but he smoked weed too. 

“Yeah, but only the two of us know it” 

“So what is the feeling?” I asked with curiosity

“You want to try?’ He asked while giving me the last puff

“No… I am fine”

The wind blew my hair again and I saw the petals swaying beautifully as the wind blew, which makes this mango tree more relaxing to hang out. I checked the time on my wristwatch and it was already 10:20 a.m. We only have ten minutes to walk back to the building of our department. That is why I need to go now because I don’t want to be late for my first class on the first day of school.

“Okay, let’s go now,” He said while spraying perfume all over his body to cover the smell of cigarette that sticks on his shirt and put his perfume back inside his bag. 

I took my bag that I left on the bench and together we left the mango tree. I looked back at the mango tree as my last glance for today and I saw the woman hanging dead there again. Swinging as the wind blows.