Chapter 11.

Calm. That's me right about now.

I had a fulfilling spiritual therapy and now I'm sitting on a bench outside , enjoying the cool air but of course plans are thrown out the window when I see Connor coming my way.

The memory of last night invades my calm thoughts and now regret plays deep within me. Last night shouldn't have happened.

I shouldn't have revealed myself so much, having myself exposed and vulnerable and letting him see me so weak. It shouldn't have to be up to him to comfort me and bear my baggage, I just can't do that to him when he too is dealing with his own stuff, I just can't be that selfish.

My thoughts soon disappear when I see him standing in front of me and he is smiling at me, not a big smile just a small one.

" I think I might be in trouble," he says as he takes a seat next to me.

"Bound to happen." I say and he smirks at me and my lips lift into a small smile.

"Hi."

"Hi." I respond.

Silence stretches out between us.

" I think you'll need a new partner in crime." I finally speak up.

"Why, when I already have one." He says while leaning back on the bench.

" Cause it won't end well....."

" What won't?"

Oh why is he asking so many questions, can't he just accept what I've said and move on?

" Being involved with me. I think it's best for you to save yourself before any damage is done." I say as I rise to my feet.

" If this is about last night then....."

" Let's just not get too deep with this and let go."

" Don't I get a say in this?" He asks while rising to his own feet, coming over to stand infront of me.

" If we were on some form of agreement then yes but right now, no. Just focus on you and getting out of here and being a free wing." I start moving and when walking past him, I feel his hand on my wrist which brings a sense of warmth and goosebumps along my arm.

" No more risks."

With those words, I pull my hand back and walk away, not even daring to look behind me.

I had to do what had to be done even though a sense of hurt aches within me, but reason wins right about now.

Guess I'll go back to being me before he rocked up into my life.

*******

Right after what happened earlier, I do what I humanly, possibly can to not run into him. In all my time spent with him, which is a small amount, I've gathered that he is a somewhat stubborn but caring being, who I will continue avoiding until he takes this seriously.

During dinner time I see him staring at me from where he's dishing up for his food. Once our eyes lock, it takes both of us a few seconds to look away and heaven, I break the contact first because I almost, and I mean almost softened about my decision.

You see he's not at fault for my decision, it's all on me. I just find it much easier for me to distance myself from people, before they leave and to not trouble them with my problems.

I guess I'm afraid of having to experience that Luke situation again , where I let down all those walls and let him in, only to have him break me and then leave me bare, then I'd have to be the one to pick up the remaining pieces while being alone.

After being broken down and building yourself up, it's not easy to just let anyone in. I mean trust is a big thing, especially to someone who you believe might not hurt you intentionally.

Not knowing what to expect brings up those high alerts when one seems to be getting too close to the walls you've built. I know it's only been a week and already I feel this way concerning Connor but I can't help it, there's something about Connor which pushes me to trust him but then again to not trust him, it's a conflicting feeling and an adjustment to this heart of mine, of how much of myself can I reveal and not reveal to him.

A sigh of relief escapes me when I'm finally out of there and back in my room. My intention once again is to focus on me and surviving the two weeks trial until I get out of here. Like before I had the same intention yet now, a part of me kind of doesn't care and that's scary enough. I'll just have to force the want harder so I won't be sidetracked.

" Miles away are we?" My head whips to the door where I see Vicky standing.

I hear her enter my room when I don't respond but just look away.

" Bea, what's wrong?" She asks after joining me on the bed and still, I don't dare look at her.

" Nothing." I let out.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me. Did something happen?" She lightly rubs my leg in a soothing way.

"Apart from almost being six feet under, no I'm fine." I bite off which has her take a breath.

Looking at her again, sudden guilt takes over for taking my frustration out on her.

" I'm sorry." I apologise.

" No it's okay."

" No, no, I'm just exhausted and being silly, I should get some rest." I say turning to face the wall.

There's a moment of silence that takes over between us before she rises from the bed and I hear her walking away " Goodnight." She says.

"Goodnight." I respond.

Once the door is closed, I let out a breath that I didnt know I had been holding.

Laying on my back, I stare at the ceiling until I feel sleepy.

It's amazing but pretty scary at how the whole situation with Connor is eating at me, I didn't think just a week of knowing someone, could do that to you.

I guess there's much to learn out of this than I thought.