Kissing is a crime when it involves a triangle. I kissed Zander, and I can't deny it. We kissed, and now I'm more confused than I have ever been. I want to be with Zander. I want to be with Aiden. I have cheated on both with the other. I'm confused and new to the game. I'm in the game, and I don't know how to play by the rules. My parents didn't teach me these rules. They technically don't want me to date until college. Something to do with my mother's questionable past. I get it. They don't want me to repeat some shallow high school love triangle that my mother lived through. But the history in my family is here, repeating itself before my eyes. And the worst part is. I'm still confused. At my core, I want Zander. I want him and everything he stands for. He was there from the beginning. Aiden, on the other hand, is easy. He is not off-limits, and people now recognize us as a couple. I pull away from Zander. "I can't do this. You told me to take my time and gave me space. Well, I
Two weeks pass. I never met Zander in the woods. I haven't spoken with Brittany in ages. The Hogan twins have kept their distance from me, and it's for the better. There's nothing wrong with letting go, as long as moving on is the ultimate goal. And for me, that is the only option. I have been lonely these past two weeks. Other than Aiden's company, I've been alone. The raccoons in our house have taken over once again. I found myself talking with one last night. I think I saw Meeko. He still misses Rocket. Stephanie has ignored me. Not that it matters, though. I haven't seen her in years. We didn't talk much during that time. It's not like I was used to having her in my life anymore. Lunch in high school is about peer pressure. I grab my lunch. The milk is pink today. Strawberry milk is disgusting. It makes my stomach ache. I grab apple juice instead. I gran two sub-sandwiches. As I pay the cashier, I realize I have no one but Aiden to sit with. And if he dumps me, I am truly alon
Aiden takes me to the ballet studio. I blush and giggle inside. So this is what it feels like to fall for a guy. Zander is in the back of my head. He will always be there. My first crush will always live in my memory. We didn't date, but he left his magic on me. And magic lasts forever. The memory of Zander is there, but I won't let it spoil my feelings for Aiden. The dance studio is larger than the one at Stanford. This is Concord Heights, and the walls are made of gold, and angels enchant the hardwood floor. The dancers of Concord Heights go on to study at Julliard. I would be honored to be among them. My ankles feel the footwork within. I remember plies and pirouettes. I can sense them in my ankles and toes. My accident came with a price; the ticking bomb in my ankle is my tumor. My foot tumor is painful. My parents spent thousands of dollars to have it removed. It came back with a silent vengeance. Vengeance stole my talents and dreams from me. I'm a dreamer without a dream. A
I've agreed to be Madame Claire Dumont's newest student. The truth of these words hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't struck me yet. I'm still not sure my body is capable of dancing. My ankle hurts and aches. I've worn a mask to hide this pain for a long time. Pain killers no longer work for me. Their effects are for everyone else. Everyone else is stronger than me. They can hold out and embrace their pain. I've let it turn me bitter. Sometimes I blame my asshole ways on the drugs that I take...it's the person I am now—the person I'm supposed to be staring back at me in the mirror. My pain has ended my various friendships. I wasn't there for Brittany when Kyle ended their long bullshit relationship. Maybe I should have been there, so I have someone to celebrate this victory with. Instead, I have Aiden Buckland, the man I'm falling for but don't know how to tell. He knows I like him. But he doesn't know how much. He doesn't know how much he means to me. How much his kindness has jump-start
Our date was amazing. Fireworks live within me. With each handhold and touch, new colors burst out of me. "You look happy this morning?" Mom says. I haven't spoken to my mother in ages. Not really. She's been off in her own little world. She goes to work early and comes back late. "Do I?" "Are you and Aiden still dating?" Dad interrupts."Yes, daddy. We're still dating. It's only been a month or so.""Well, keep that smile on your face in check," Dad warns as he leaves. Dad has a problem with me dating boys. "Zander came by here looking for you. How is Brittany? You haven't seen her in ages. How is she?" Mom asks.Now I'm annoyed. I don't want to talk about Brittany. I don't want to think about her and Kyle. "We aren't friends anymore, mom."It sounds awful when I say it out loud. I was tired of being under her control. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to let go? I never knew how to let go, how liberating it truly is. Letting go of Brittany took courage. Courage I didn't know I ha
Aiden Buckland and his touch are still tattooed on my body. Tattoos last forever, and so does the memory of touch. Touch has memory. Memory is a powerful thing that transcends everything else. I get ready to leave the house. I'm distracted in the shower. My nakedness feels exposed somehow. My sixteenth birthday is in a week. I have no friends to celebrate with. No one but Aiden to celebrate my womanhood with.Womanhood is powerful, and even without friends, I still wish to celebrate. Sixteen is the year most girls lose their virginity and get wild. Or that's what I've come to understand. I place clothes around the frame of my body. I feel lost without Aiden's warm touch. He guided me back to myself. He brought me back to ballet—the doorbell rings. I know it's Aiden waiting to take me on an adventurous date. He's romantic...he's brave...It's Zander? What the fuck? I blush and close the door. Mother comes waltzing in to save the day as usual. Her slippers drag across the floor, leavi
Zander and I are still kissing in the woods. I know what I've done. I've become a cheater. I'm confused and torn again. But Zander's my dearest friend, and we've found each other again. He loves me, and I love him.Zander and I pull away from each other. We hear a rustle in the leaves. It's Stephanie Burnham. She knows the truth about Zander and me. I know it. "Ash, is that you? I haven't seen you in weeks. You haven't returned any of my calls or texts.""I'm sorry. I've been occupied with Aiden."When I say Aiden's name, Zander backs away from me. It pains me to see him this way. Then, without thinking, I grab his hand in front of Steph. "Ash, stop it...okay? I'm fine, just go.""Did something happen between you two?" Stephanie asks. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of hiding myself. "Yes, something did happen.""Ashley, drop it," Zander begs. "I can't, Zander. She needs to know. Someone needs to know.""Know what? What's going on here?" Steph is at the edge of her seat. She's waiti
I head to the dance studio. My dad's car smells like old socks. Stephanie is with me. "Tell me about you. What's really going on?""When you left...I was sad. Brittany didn't seem like a real friend. She was girly, she wasn't you, but she was there. Then I noticed Zander. We hung out. She told me to stay away. So I did. I missed him. When they turned sixteen, I kissed Zander at his birthday party. He kissed me back. I got scared, and Aiden suggested we pretend to date to get back at him. I agreed. It was stupid. Then there was a spark with Aiden. And then I was torn between the two of them. That's the short version. I thought Zander was a crush, but he's more than that. Aiden and I had a spark...it grew and grew. I don't want to lose them. I want to be friends with them. I want us to forget about romance and be friends. I want to drown out feelings...with other feelings. I shouldn't date, Steph. It's not for girls like me. It's for other women, who make sense.""It does sound complic