Contemplating

Clair pov.

I hastened towards the living room where I knew Lilli would most probably be waiting for me. She most probably would be already searching the university website, looking for a suitable course for me to start. But I was wrong. She was nowhere to be seen. 

Shrugging, I dashed up the stairs. If she was not in the living room, she most probably would be in her room. I walked up to her room and was about to knock when I thought I heard her sobs. Furrowing my eyebrows, I leaned against the door to be sure of it.

“Henry.... It has been over a year now. Why isn’t it still not happening?” 

It most certainly was Lilli’s voice. She was......crying? But why? 

“Hey ....babe. I’m sure it will. With time.” Henry tried to console her. He sounded so gentle and caring.

“But....what if I never.....what if there was a problem with me?” she asked, sounding worried and concerned. She was clearly trying to hold back her sobs.

“What if I’m barren?” That question was a mere whisper, however, I heard it, making my mouth open in shock. I had to swallow a gasp, in fear of them hearing me.

Oh my God. She was struggling with getting pregnant? And nobody knew? All of us made a joke out of it. Good gracious, it must have hurt so bad each time. I started to feel bad for laughing at the jokes and Gabby aunty’s pesters. Each time they would face it with grace, but now I feel both of them must be breaking inside. They just kept it a secret from us.

“Hey...don’t say that love.” Henry’s voice came through the door. I couldn’t help it, but listen attentively. Perhaps it was wrong to eavesdrop on them, but still......

“I’m sure our time has not come yet. When it does, we will have our little bundle of joy.” He cooed. 

I smiled. I could almost imagine how he must be trying to console her. I could almost see how he would hold her while she cried in his arms. How he would wipe her tears away. It was obvious that he was her biggest supporter and vice versa.

It was such a blessing that Henry was such a caring and supportive husband. I would also love to have that....maybe Levi deserves a chance. Maybe I could give it a try.......

No! I shook my head, scolding myself. I can’t. I shouldn’t. Levi doesn’t deserve a broken girl like me. I didn’t want to ruin his life by involving him in my problems. 

“Focus Clair, focus.” I muttered under my breath, careful to be silent enough so that they wouldn’t hear me.

“But I want to do a check up. Just to be sure?” Lilli’s voice sounded a little better now. At least she no longer sounded as if she was holding back her tears.

“Of course babe. We will fix an appointment with the doctor.” Henry assured her.

There was a long pause before Lilli spoke again. 

“Babe......if there is anything wrong with me.....divorce me and find someone else.” Once again, her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Shshshhsh....Don’t you dare say that again.” Henry’s voice was stern.

“And I will not do that. Never. I only want you my love. Nothing is going to change that. We can adopt if nothing works....right?” 

I smiled. Henry was such a sweet person. Definitely the best one for Lilli, the one I saw as a sister. I just knew as long as he was with him she was going to be perfectly fine. 

After wiping my face to get rid of any sweat or tears, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Lilli opened the door after some time. Perhaps she took her time to wipe her face and put up the happy face she always showed us. 

I was right. Her smiling face greeted me. Had I not over heard them, I wouldn’t have even guessed that she was going through a hard time. Maybe I too could learn to put up a brave face just like her. I watched her smiling face, which glowed with her smile as she greeted me. 

“Hey Clair! Let’s look up that website right?” she exclaimed, her voice was full of excitement. 

I too smiled and nodded at her. She was such a sweetheart. I’m sure she would be a great mother. I hope she gets her own child soon. 

“Come in.” She invited me inside and walked in.

“Hey, kid.” Henry acknowledged my presence and I returned his smile. 

“Hey.” 

“Babe. I will go out for a while. Call me. Ok?” Henry said and walked outside when Lilli nodded at him.

She took her laptop and slumped on to the king size bed in her room. I looked around. Her room was huge. With white marbled floor and white wash walls, it’s interior was somewhat similar to the room I was given. However the lace curtains and exquisite furniture made it look better than mine. 

I couldn’t help comparing this penthouse with Mr. Stone’s costly mansion. Both were filthy rich and their homes were extortionate. However, I would prefer this place a million times over Mr. Stone’s place. That place was a dungeon disguised as a palace, where lots and lots of innocents were wronged.

“Come and sit Clair. Don’t stand there.” She said as she patted on to the spot next to her. Sighing, I shook myself out of my day dream and sat beside her. 

“So...they have... bachelor’s in psychology, teaching, business....there are lots more.” She muttered with her eyes fixed on the screen as she scrolled down the page. 

“Psychology.” I said at once. I had made up my mind already. Perhaps then, I could find a way to stop the nightmares and dreadful memories. 

“You sure?” she asked for confirmation. 

“Sure.” I confirmed. 

“Ok. Fill this form and we can submit it online. If you are shortlisted, they will contact you for an interview.” She told me as she gave her laptop for me to fill in the details. 

I filled it in. It was a good thing that Lilli and the gang had contacted the school I went in the village to retreat the exam results I never had the chance to take back then. I felt ecstatic to find out that I had passed with flying colours. But my happiness was laced with bitterness, when I was reminded of my aunt. She had snatched my happiness from me. She deserved to be punished. But right now, I had more things to worry about.

Ever since they got my results, they had been telling me to join the university. They had wanted me to study for a long time, but I kept giving excuses. After all, I was pregnant with Nolan. However, now I feel the need to study so that I can get a decent job. I cannot rely on these people for the rest of my life, can I? And I have to think about Nolan’s future as well.

I handed her the laptop as soon as I was done and watched her happy demeanour, which now I knew was just a mask of what she really felt on the inside. Was it a good idea to talk about it? I wondered as I studied her face. 

“So we are done here. We can go..... What is it?” she asked when she noticed me staring at her. 

I chuckled and looked away. 

Should I tell her that I heard them?

“I.....umm.... I’m sorry.” I muttered, not being able to find the courage to say it out loud. 

But she placed her hands on mine, and gave it a small squeeze. 

“Clair....Come on. You can tell me. I told you. You are like my little sister.”

“And sisters don’t keep things from each other.” I finished for her. 

Sighing, I face her. 

“Ok. But I really am sorry. But I overheard your conversation with Henry just now. I know I should have left. But ......” 

I looked at her face, which was now displaying how broken she was. It certainly was difficult for her to hear me say it. 

“I am sorry Lilli. I sure hope you get a little baby soon.” I whispered, feeling guilty for listening to them.

She chuckled, as she quickly wiped away her tears. 

“No. Please. Don’t be sorry. It is ok. At least now I don’t have to pretend in front of you.” She murmured in between her chuckles as she dabbed her tears away with a tissue.

I shook my head. 

“Lilli. You really don’t have to pretend. I’m sure Adira and the others will support you no matter what.” I told her. This time, it was my turn to give her my support like she had always done for me in the past. 

“I know.” She whispered, as silent tears rolled down her cheek. 

“I just....feel that I shouldn’t disturb others with my problems.” She said, making me stare at her. 

I knew that feeling. I knew exactly what she meant. Forcing a smile, I looked away. 

“But.....we will not be disturbed by it....” I told her slowly, the words sinking in deep in my heart. I bit my lips. 

“We would love to help.” I whispered, meaning every word.

“Thanks Clair. I really appreciate it.” She replied, making me force a smile once again.

As I left her room, I thought deeply about what I had told her. Was it possible that they too would listen to me? That they too would want to help me? Is it worth it? Perhaps my problems will not bother them too much. 

I chewed on my lower lip as I contemplated on whether I should open up or not. But.....my problems and mental issues were far worse than Lilli’s. My life is just too complicated. I made up my mind.

No. I cannot trouble others with it. Let them live their lives peacefully. And hopefully, I will find a good way to cope with those flashbacks and nightmares. I just hope I do it.