I'm sorry

Clair pov.

I watched silently as they prepared to leave. My heart continued to weep for him. For us. But how could I give us a chance? He deserved the best things in the world. Not someone like me. Not someone who is still fighting to forget those horrible memories of being forcefully removed from your home. Or those terrible flashbacks of how me and the other girls were transferred in food containers by those heartless human traffickers. 

In addition to those unwanted memories, my sleep is haunted by nightmares of Mr. Stone. The one who owned me. Who enslaved me during my mid teens. I was barely eighteen when I got pregnant with my first child, Nolan. 

He is the one who fathered my child. But I refuse to acknowledge him as his father. He is not worthy of being called a father. And I most certainly don’t want to let my child know that he is related to such a vile man.

I was lost in my own thoughts when Levi walked in front of me and extended his hand to shake mine. His face showed signs of hopelessness and defeat. Lowering his gaze he gulped down.

“Good bye Clair.” He whispered and followed his parents out side, without waiting for an answer from me.

My heart broke with each step he took. No! Wait! It kept screaming. Gulping down the discomfort in my throat I tried to tell my self that I was doing the right thing. This was for his own good. And perhaps this was the best for all of us.

Alas, as soon as he walked out of the door, I felt the tears spill from my eyes. He was gone. He was gone for good. I will miss him so much. Trying to hide my tears from everyone, I quickly moved behind the pillar. The past week had been the most magical, yet hard and confusing week for me. I realised that I had started to have feelings for Levi but......it was just too complicated. My life was too messed up for a great guy like him to get involved in it. 

I had met Levi two months back when I went to Seol’s national college during an awareness program that I and Adira initiated. Ever since I was saved by Austin and his friends from Mr. Stone two years ago, I had made it the purpose of my life to help those who are in similar situations, in addition to creating awareness. We had successfully completed several such programs in the past. 

Since Austin got engaged to Adira, she too took interest in our work. Surprisingly, she was pretty good at everything. It was as if she knew about everything way before, though she was just new in the city. And that particular program held in the city college was one Adira suggested. As she thought it was important for us to create awareness among college girls. She told about her brother who was a senior there, who might be able to help us get permission to carry out the program. That was where I first met him. The one who had effortlessly captured my heart. Levi. My prince charming. 

Never had I thought even in my wildest dreams that I would fall in love. But with Levi, it only took two months for me to realise that I was madly in love with him. And when he asked me out on a date at Adira and Austin’s wedding reception, I was over the moon.

However, the memories and my disturbing thoughts interfered. What if I ruin this? What if he regrets dating me? What if he hates me once he realises the complete truth? He knows about Nolan and that I am a single mother. But did he know that I was completely damaged on the inside?

No. I couldn’t do it. He deserved better. Way better than me. In fact he deserved the best. Not a damaged person like me.

I tried my best to silence my sobs, fearing that someone might hear me. But my breath and my hiccups made it so hard. Sniffling, I wiped my snot off my face as tears continuously streamed out of my eyes. 

“I am so sorry Levi. You deserve someone better than me. I hope you find the worthy one. Because you are the sweetest guy I have ever met.” I whispered to myself. 

I just had to let it out for the sake of my sanity. Good lord I love him. And he deserves the best. Let’s hope that he finally finds the princess that he deserves.

I spend a great deal of time behind the pillar, crying to my heart’s content. Nolan had already slept and to my good luck he didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Perhaps he sensed his mother’s distress. When I moved away from where I was hiding, everyone had retreated back to their rooms. I tiptoed to the room specialised for me and Nolan. When I opened, I saw he was sleeping peacefully in his crib. 

He looked just like a little angel as he slept. His little thumb was in his mouth as he made small suckling motions with his little pouty lips. The soft jet black hair was matted to his forehead with his sweat. He looked so adorable in his footie pajamas. He was my child. And only mine. 

Smiling at my little Nolan I tilted my head. He was part of me. His future was what mattered most to me. How could I expect Levi to be part of it?

Sighing sadly, I caressed his little head, feeling the softness of his hair. 

“Mommy cannot love anyone. Isn’t it Nolan? But that’s ok baby. I know you will always be there for me.” I whispered to my little one as I fought against my tears. 

However, despite my efforts, my tears betrayed me. And soon, it streamed down my cheeks. My heart wept with me, while my brain scolded me for being so stupid. I felt so torn between my desires and logic. 

Why does it have to be so hard to do the right thing?

I forced myself to change and lie down on my bed, hoping to get some sleep, though I didn’t feel sleepy at all. I have a long day ahead tomorrow. Once again, it is part of my awareness sessions, and this time, it is at the city high school. Perhaps I should focus more on my work. Maybe I should take that course Lilli had told me about. Bachelor’s in psychology. Yeah. Perhaps I should get so busy in life that I don’t remember about my personal life.

I continued to toss and turn on my bed, trying to force my eyes to shut, hoping that somehow I would be able to get some sleep. I have to do a lot of work in the morning anyway. Adira and Austin will leave on their honeymoon for two weeks leaving Lilli and Henry in charge. And I will have to take charge of the volunteer work. 

“Sleep. Damn it!” I cursed under my breath. But all I could think of was the magical moment I spent with Levi at the wedding reception. 

*flashback*

He led me towards the balcony and I foolishly followed him. I knew it was not good. Because I was already so hopelessly falling for this human in front of me. But still, I couldn’t stop myself from fulfilling my desires to spend some time with him. He will leave to go to his village soon anyway. 

We leaned against the railing. My already cold hands trembled as it touched the cold metal of the railing. The cool night breeze played with my hair. The star studded night sky and the colourful city lights made it even better 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” His husky voice made me shiver as goose bumps crawled my skin. Good lord. What was this guy doing to me? I gulped down- hard trying to ease the palpitations of my heart. 

“What do you think Clair?” he asked once again when I took too long to answer. 

“Hmm....yes. oh yeah. It is nice.” I managed to say, my voice rather shaky. Being alone with him was way harder than I anticipated.

“But you know. Nights like these look better in the village. The stars in the sky seem brighter and....it is just better.” He told me looking in to the sky dreamily. 

I sighed as I looked up. He was right. I remember how it was when I was in my village. It sure is better. However, I would never go back. I dreaded that place. Who knows what my aunt might do to me if she finds out that I am finally free. Or worse. What if she tries to do something to my Nolan? I refuse to go back to that hell hole. 

I managed to smile a little and nod in agreement. Just because I hate that place doesn’t mean Levi would hate it. I bet his parents gave him all the love that he deserved. 

My thoughts were invaded by him trying to hold my hand. To my surprise, he was staring at me like he never did. At least I never noticed it. 

I froze.

He lifted his hand and tucked away a loose strand of hair behind my ear making me shiver and goosebumps crawl all over my body. My lips parted in shock. Before I could do anything, he lowered his head towards mine and his lips slowly claimed mine. I felt as if I might melt in to his arms. He held me in his hold, carefully, yet firmly, making sure that I don’t fall down. 

Before I knew it, I was responding to his kiss. My arms snaked around his neck while our lips continued to tease each other. 

When he finally let go of me and placed his forehead against mine, gasping for breath, I was able to look into his eyes as he chuckled. 

Smiling, I traced his lips. 

“Clair.....” he whispered. “I really like you.” 

I was speechless. He...liked me? Of all the people, me? But.....I was...

“Can I ask you out on a date?” he asked once again. 

Yes!!!!! My heart screamed. However, my brain started to wave the red flag. What about Nolan? What about all those trauma? And your nightmares? Does he deserve to suffer because of your mental trauma? My heart sank.

“I....I can’t.” I whispered, stepping back from his arms. 

He was shocked. His happy demeanour quickly transformed into hurt. Oh God. No.

“I... am a single mother...you...you can’t ....I am damaged goods....I can’t Levi....” I stammered as my heart begged for me to stop. But no. I just can’t do this. I turned around and ran away wishing that I never met Levi. little droplets of salty tears flew from my eyes as I ran towards my room. 

I am sorry Levi. Forgive me

*End of flashback*