Guilt, the emotion most of us struggle with on a daily basis. We have so many things to feel guilty about. I had plenty of them. I had lied and I’d taken what I shouldn’t have. I had killed but worst of all, I had dishonored my father.
When you’re guilty of something, the essence of that emotion scars you deeply, and the healing takes much longer than we ever thought possible. That’s if your inner wounds ever do heal. For some it doesn’t, and for others, like me, we simply switch it off.
For guilt to lessen within yourself, you have to forgive yourself first. That’s easier said than done, because, how do you forgive yourself for the sin of murder? How do you live with the guilt when you have taken everything from someone, when you’ve broken their soul, a soul that only wanted to love you?
I have done all these things, and yet it was as easy as the flick of a switch. I could turn that guilt off and that’s precisely what I did every time those emotions threatened to choke me. It was second nature to me by now, but it would threaten to break me, someday.
I was born to Malachi, the Alpha wolf, and Karani Sinclair, his mate. Being the only son of an Alpha had its privileges and its pitfalls. My father was hard on me because someday I had to be a man. I had to lead our pack, but in my mother’s eyes, I could do no wrong. Karani loved me with a fierceness that made even my father back off.
I was also born special, a rare occurrence in itself. I was gifted with the sight of shades, as Karani called it. I could see Death. I could see him stalking you, I could see the changes in your aura as Death prepared himself to take you.
I could also see and feel other people’s emotions and their pain. In a way people’s emotions were projected onto me and they became my own. Most days I wished that I didn’t have the ability to see and feel the things I did.
Being special wasn’t always a blessing, sometimes it was a curse. Being a wolf was special, shifting into your wolf form was liberating and freeing. It changed something in you, and the connection you shared with your pack was one you’d defend with your last breath.
As a future Alpha, that responsibility would one day rest on my shoulders. I’d have to lead, be an example, suffer the consequences of my decisions, make impossible choices, and pray that I succeeded.
I was five when Death encountered me. I saw him one day, just standing there, watching the world silently. I knew he was Death, as if by instinct. I could smell him. I knew he was watching someone specific. Death didn’t see me at first, he thought himself invisible to the human eye. But then, I wasn’t human, was I?
In our family lupiary, a wolf diary that every pack kept, our basic laws were written down. The books were handed down from generation to generation, each Alpha adding to it, recording everything like you would in a family Bible.
Our laws didn’t differ much from human laws but the first and most important law we had was that males weren’t allowed to mate with humans. Wolves mated with wolves because human women were fragile.
Even though we lived in the same world, our world was very different. We had human and wolf laws to follow, and that complicated our lives enough. A human would also never understand the bond a pack shared or how different we truly were.
Wolves had a code that was upheld by all the packs in the world. War was a rare occurrence and we kept mostly to ourselves. It would be fair though to say that there was an exception to every rule and those exceptions were mostly rogues.
Your life mate wasn’t chosen for you by the Moon Goddess as some would have you believe. We could fall in love with whoever we wanted. We did have fated mates, chosen by Freyja, the goddess of fertility, beauty, love, and sex.
When we imprint, we rarely reject that bond, because that bonded half is your missing piece, the perfect person for you. It was something so absolutely beautiful and perfect that the question you had to ask yourself was why you would want to reject it?
Imprinting on your soulmate meant that the goddess favored you and being pointed towards your soulmate was a privilege. You didn’t suffer death if your soulmate died, you could love again, it was crippling, yes, but not life threatening.
In my family, rejecting that bond was akin to committing a sin and an Alpha certainly never rejected the bond that he was gifted from Freyja. Pack bonds worked the same way although no imprinting took place there, you imprinted on your bonded half and your children.
Our pack wasn’t large by any standards and we rarely accepted new members. Staying in the pack was a privilege, being their born leader an even greater one. It was something I was born to do, and I was ready for it, I wanted it, more than I ever wanted anything else.
The bond of being in a pack was a powerful one and the pack would always stay together. We lived in close proximity to each other and if the Alpha left, we all left. The Alpha and Beta bond is another strong connection, one that could only end with death.
The first time I recognized disappointment in my father’s eyes though, I felt like I had cheated him. He was a good father, a good Alpha, and he was a just man. Malachi had no fear, no tolerance for lies, and he sought out the truth in everything he did.
What a pity though that I’d turn out to be the biggest liar of all, a failure to my pack, and that I’d hide all of it from both my parents. Karani was always my biggest champion, my protector and my supporter. She had an unwavering faith in me that I didn’t really deserve.
I can never describe the purity of her love accurately, only that she gave it, lived it, and breathed it. As far as mother’s went, she was the best there was. You can never replace a mother’s love, her care, or her faith, and I would never try either.
I start this story at the beginning, so you can fully understand what happened to us, and the path my life took, why I made certain decisions, some of them that would haunt me forever. Decisions I thought would protect us, but even I made mistakes. We weren’t perfect, not by a long shot.
So, let me introduce myself and share the story that is my life… and hers.
My name is Kiran and I have sinned. I have sinned against both the wolf in me and the human in me. My biggest sin and failure was that I lied. I lied mostly to protect those I cared about, but I also lied to myself.I had many sins and as the future Alpha of our pack, my sins were worse than anyone else doing the same thing. My father, Malachi, was grooming me to take over from him and I’d always taken the responsibility seriously.What was my sin? We weren’t allowed to mate with humans. That means no dating, no relationships, no human life partners, and definitely no sex. In my defense though, I couldn’t help myself and maybe that was where my rebellious streak started.She was such an amazing person. Yes, she was. As in, no longer alive, and that is my second sin. Sarah was your typical high school cheerleader type of girl, except that she was smart and beautiful, but she was also compassionate and caring. She was the best person I knew.Sarah was petite with shoulder length blonde
The moment Sarah had walked into the school, I was in love. At first, I was a bit dumbfounded. How could I be in love with a human? I knew she wasn’t a wolf. You could smell humans from miles away. She had this intriguing air about her.We were fifteen when we met and life seemed uncomplicated and adventurous. That first week, I followed her home every day. I wasn’t stalking her, maybe a little, but not the dangerous kind of stalking.I was fascinated by her and try as I might, I couldn’t get her out of my head. She came up to me one day during lunch and simply asked, “When are you going to ask me out?” That was how Sarah and I had started dating.Sarah wasn’t a one-time thing for me, it wasn’t cheap. What we shared was special. When I first met Sarah, I wasn’t a wolf, meaning, I hadn’t yet shifted into a wolf. I was purely human, a special human, but nonetheless still human and so was she.Before we turned sixteen, we would make out and hold hands. After my initial resurrection thoug
I sent Sarah a text and asked her to meet me at our spot. Our spot wasn’t really a spot, it was just a clearing in the forest furthest away from our house where the roots of an old tree were visible in the earth and it made a natural buttress.“Hey, you,” she said, and smiled sweetly as I arrived, and found her waiting near the tree.I had switched off my feelings for her before I even entered the woods, because I knew that this was going to be hell. She put her arms around my waist and I knew her next move would be to kiss me. We’d been dating for almost two years now, and our familiarity with each other was intimate.Our relationship was more than just making out in odd places. We could talk for hours about our future, our dreams, and what we wanted out of life. Sarah wanted to be a teacher. She loved the idea of being there at the crucial time when young minds were shaped.“What’s wrong?” she asked me when my arms didn’t encircle her like they always did.“We can’t keep seeing each
We had a few other wolf children that went to the same school as us and I made a point of it to look out for them. There were two other families that lived in Seward that weren’t part of our pack, they were lone wolves and preferred the lifestyle.In an attempt to appear as if I was doing fine, I had started dating one of the girls from our pack but it was just for show. We didn’t hang out after school or even hold hands. James disapproved and he made it known almost every day.“Dating Michelle won’t change anything.” We were driving to school and I looked out of the passenger side window and thought about what I was going to say.“I know, but have you seen the way Sarah still looks at me?”It took all my strength to ignore Sarah at school. We had the same friends and the same classes, and it took all my resolve not to break my promise to Malachi. I should have known better because Malachi expected me to be better.“Do you want her to hate you?” James’ question was valid and I thought
I was startled awake, drenched in sweat. Death had been visiting me again. He was stalking through my house, walking from room to room. I didn’t know if it had only been a dream or if it was a sign. I had no inkling that my life would soon change forever.I sat down at the breakfast table and looked at my mother. Her aura was clear, by that I mean it didn’t have death lurking about. I exhaled not realizing that I had been holding it in.“How are things at school?” Karani asked. I hadn’t been home all that much, and it wasn’t due to training or Alpha lessons.“It’s okay, you know, same stuff every day.” I smiled at her.“I’m sorry you miss Sarah so much.” She had a way of just knowing everything. I nodded my head but said nothing. She knew I wasn’t seeing her anymore; I didn’t have to tell her.“Where’s Dad?” I asked and looked toward his study.“He already left for work, but he said he’d see you at the den later.”The den was where I met my father every afternoon to fight. No gloves a
“What’s up with you?” James asked me. He was connected to me in a way that only wolves could understand. We would probably die together one day, that’s how close we were.“Sarah’s pregnant,” I said flatly, and told him the whole story. He was probably the only person that would understand everything. He nodded at all the right places and eventually agreed with me, getting rid of that baby was the only thing to do. I knew it wasn’t right but nothing about that situation was right.“Come on, I know what’ll take your mind off everything. Sam’s having a party tomorrow night,” he said with that wicked smile of his.Another shiver ran down my spine, ‘I should stay home,’ said that little wolf voice inside my head. On the other hand, getting out and having a drink or two might not be the worst thing. Tomorrow was the last day of school and we had some vacation time to look forward to.I arrived home an hour before the party started and I took a quick shower and dressed. I was picking James
We were all in the living room, standing to one side. Marilyn was in the crowd dancing as she kept looking at me and James had just rolled his eyes. Her moves were suggestive but for some reason I wasn’t keen on hooking up with her again.Jasmine walked towards us and I could see that she had been drinking too much. I didn’t want a confrontation over Sarah but she stumbled into my arms and giggled non-stop as I steadied her. She chose that moment to kiss me in front of everybody, she was also Sarah’s best friend and I pushed her away. I could feel Sarah’s eyes on me and when I looked up at her she had tears in her eyes.Sarah walked up the stairs and I just stood there, watching her go. Her aura slowly turned black, and I froze. Death. Confusion took a hold of me because Sarah had never been to my house, yet Death had been lurking there.I chalked it up to being emotional and angry and I convinced myself that my imagination was playing tricks on me. I walked back to where James and Sa
Malachi tried to keep my routine as normal as he could. That meant, training at the den, every day. I wallowed in self-pity, and the prospect of training didn’t lighten my mood.“You have to focus,” he said as his bare fist landed on my nose, and a trickle of blood appeared.“I’m trying to,” I replied, and brought my hands up to protect my face. His punch caught me in the ribs, and I grunted, and felt it break. Malachi had no mercy on me. Another punch came for me and I managed to block it, but missed the punch that caught me on the side of my head.Malachi stopped and looked at me. “It’s no use trying to train you when you fight like a three-year-old girl.” He grinned at me and I returned his grin. He loved his insults especially if they added to my humiliation.We got into Malachi’s Navigator and drove home to shower. Karani just gave us a look as she saw the blood from my nose and told Malachi to take it easy on me. Tomorrow would be a rough day for me.It was the day of Sarah’s fu