3

Dinner came and here I am helping my mother prepare for our dinner.

"Hija, please call your papa, " Sabi ni mama, tumango ako at agad na nilabas ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ng coat ko.

Nakarinig kami ng bosena ng sasakyan at pagbukas ng gate, naglakad ako papunta pinto and from where I standband I saw my father with someone. Agad na napakunot ang noo ko.

Namilog ang mata ko, nakita ko itong nakasunod kay Papa at ngumiti sa mga kasambahay na nakahilera papuntang pinto. Tumikhim ako at pinawala ang pagkagulat, sinalubong ni Mama si Papa at hinalikan ito sa pisngi, agad naman akong lumapit kay Papa at humalik narin sa pisngi niya. 

Napataas ang kilay ko at tinignan siya, nakita ko namang umangat ang gilid ng labi niya may ngiti na pilit na tinatago. I smirked as I look at him and he grinned. Dahan dahan akong naglakad at sumunod na kina Mama at Papa while he were beside me following my lead to our table.

Nakaupo na kami sa harap ng mesa at kumakain, Papa and Mr. Get me pregnant is talking about business and experiences. I glanced at him and saw him glance at me too, agad akong nagbaba ng tingin at nagpatuloy na sa pagkain. 

"So, Hijo my husband told me that you wanted to be a photographer too?" Mama asked, I only listened to them talking. I glanced at him, he was now smiling to my parents. 

"Yes po Ma'am, " He said but mommy cut him off saying it's tita and not Ma'am. "Tita actually nakahiligan ko talaga since highschool ako but then I am the eldest so responsibility comes first" he said. Agad akong napatingin kay mama. 

"Kung sa bagay nga naman, my daughter here Dale is pursuing her hobby, " my mom proudly said, I smiled at that. They never really make it a big deal since Kuya Xavier is now handling the company and now busy with his family, I suddenly missed kuya. 

"Naging client niya ako Tita and I can say that she's good even her staffs are well trained and efficient, " Sagot naman niya, agad akong nagangat ng tingin. He winked at me I feel my cheeks burned at his simple gesture, agad akong nagbaba ng tingin. 

"Thank you, " pasasalamat ko. He only nodded and smiled, they discuss more while I quietly listened to them and answered questions that my parents would ask. 

"Naku! Dale is twenty seven and she has no plans on getting married! Kahit nga boyfriend wala naipakilala samin, simula nung, " tuloy tuloy na sabi ni Mama, agad akong tumikhim at nagbaba ng tingin. Tumahimik naman si Mama. 

"Mama, " I almost whispered, agad akong napapikit. Memories rushed back na parang kahapon lang ang lahat, the feeling, pain, the hatred, and sacrifices.

"Excuse me Mama, Papa," dahan dahan akong tumayo at tinignan si Adair na kaharap kong nakaupo sa lamesa. "Mr. Adams," agad akong naglakad paakyat sa kwarto ko, the tears I've been holding suddenly bursted out noong makapasok na ako sa kwarto ko. Impit akong napaiyak at napaupo sa sofa. 

All these years. I've been fighting my fears, the demons. It's was not easy, akala ko okay na ako. But I was wrong I can feel my hands getting numb as my cry is getting louder each second. 

I suddenly remembered all of it. That hell I've been through, the devil that dragged me there, the way I fought all of them. The way I screamed for help. The day he turned me into the monster I am now, a part of me also died that day and I can't forgive myself.

It was never easy, the day he said I was the one who made him do it. The day I lost my best friend, the day I almost ended my life. 

The day I shut everyone out. 

The day I feel like no one is better, the day I buried my heart with her. The day I promised that no one will ever be worth it.

I pleaded for Solace baby's and her life. I pleaded for time. I pleaded for forgiveness. 

I hated myself to the point that even killing myself is not enough. 

I cried harder. I am still mourning and feeling empty inside, despite my parent's help who patiently guided me through the times I hated myself. 

Narinig kong may kumatok sa pintuan. Agad kong pinunasan ang luha ko at, narinig ko ang marahang lakad. I glanced at my mother, she looks apologetic and I instantly knew why. 

"I'm sorry Hija, " paumanhin nito tsaka ako niyakap ng mahigpit, I cried more letting all out my pain. 

"Ang sakit sakit parin Ma, " bulong ko at yumakap kay Mama, I don't know if broken is the right word to described my pain. I felt so lost to the extent that I don't even know how to go back, there's no trace. 

"Shh, " Alu ni Mama sakin, I hugged her tight. "Hija, please I can't bare to see you like this, " bulong ni Mama at pilit akong kinakalma. Her warmth somehow helped me calm a bit. 

"Anak, " I heard my Dad said, agad naman siyang lumapit sakin at niyakap ako. I looked at him, tears still pooling my eyes. 

"Forgive yourself Hija, " mahinang sabi ni Papa, agad akong umiling at pinunasan ang mga luha sa mukha. 

"How can I forgive myself, Papa? When I can't ever forgive him, " I said and close my eyes. "We will be here for you but only you can help yourself, Hija" sabi naman ni Mama. Umiling ako, how can I help myself when I already lost it years ago?

"How?" I asked them, hoping for a better answer pero umiling lang sila at niyakap akong muli. "I am lost Papa, how can I find myself again when I already lost it years ago, " bulong ko. Trying to doubt me on how will I be able to help myself from this hell hole that I'm now in.

It hurts but they are right, I need to find myself to forgive him and myself. 

"No amount of money can make me forgive myself, I lost my best friend Papa. I'm busy crying and begging for him and sacrificed myself to the point that I lost her a mistake I shouldn't have done in the first place, sana umiwas nalang ako," sabi ko at tumingin sa kanila, I can see my Mama crying pero walang boses iyon. Niyakap siya ni Papa at tinignan ako. 

"We know anak but you and only you can do it, we will be your guidance but we can never be the light," sabi ni Papa at hinalikan ako sa noo. Inalalayan naman ako ni Papa patayo at niyakap, ganoon din si Mama. I sighed. 

"Rest anak, masakit makitang ganito ka," sabi ni mama at inalalayan akong mahiga sa kama ko. She removed my shoes and kiss me on my forehead. She stayed there while papa was excused to go out para kausapin ang bisita niya. 

I closed my eyes and dreamed about what happened. And heaven knows if I can turn back time I would gladly do it without any hesitation and warned the young me, stupid and naive I believed that love would save it all but I was not.